Hair is gone!

The nice part of all the work in April. al the planting, seeds in the sub basement, deciding which and where, all of this comes into bloom just about now.
I am so thrilled , I planned well.
With bending and kneeling a bit of a problem these days I had started to put in hostas last year.
Now they are coming up in full glory and they are starting to bloom too.
More perenials put in this year and lo and behold the lupins are doing just great.
Planted some small ones rather late and here they are blooming with 3 blooms a stem.
I grew up with them in my grandfather's yard. I had such troubles getting them to bloom and then found out they needed nitrogen.

Life is getting calmer, my old office is being transformed into son's bedroom again.
I managed to collected years and years of paper junk in my office so the shredder has
been overheating quite often and the roomba's are doing hourly work.
It will be nice to have that over with.

SOn cut his hair and donated it for a wig.
The hairdresser came to the house to do it as he cant go there.
SHe was so impressed with the thick curly healthy 13 inches of hair.
She needed to cut and cut several times to get across his mane.
He then also cut his beard but I think the beard will come back.
He looks good with a beard and he gets rashes when he shaves.
He looks in his twenties.
He also has smiled more than once the past 2 days so maybe the pain
is subsiding just a bit.

Life is getting calmer, thank God,
life is gettign easyer, thank God.
Maybe we will all be fine for the rest of the year, it has been a very hard year so far.
There is always tomorrow. There is always hope.
Going to work now and hope we stay open and someone needs a dress or
slacks for that new job of theirs.

Frugal

Frugal is a word that is missing in my dictionary.
I was reminded of that this morning when I saw an interview with
Suzie Ohrman or Orman.
She is the money goddess with advice for everyone.
On TV she gave me food for thought...how long will the thought last??????????
well till the next visit at a jewelry counter anyway.
This blonde who said that she is now worth in the 8 figures said that the
earrings she was wearing were the only pair she owned.
She did not need 2 pairs. She had one pair and that is all she needs in life.
That sounded truly scary to me.
I have mine on hooks so I went and took a quick count on how much
money I have hanging on the wall.
Well, since I do not buy diamonds nor gold , it did not amount to a great fortune
perhaps a great meal with friends at an expensive restaurant.
I am beginning to wonder if we ladies, girls, in all of the USA, leave out everything else,
if we would just have one pair of earrings what would happen to the jewelry industry?
In the store where I work we sell plenty of them.
Would I then have my hours cut or my job cut because that is a loss of sales?
Yikes.
Told my daughter and she answered:
Mom, you should email Suzan O and ask her why we need 3 of her books which
I have on the shelve? Maybe one would be enough!
Suzan and her partner also live in a modest house in San Fran.
of course today to buy a modest house in San Francisco you still need a lot of dough.
So I decided that just for today I would not look at another earring.
Maybe not even tomorrow ........there is hope to become more frugal....
until ............never mind.

Hubby has been sleeping a lot lately, he is losing steam so I worry.
Of course I was born worrying.
Son is a level headed guy and tries to get me to stop making up things to worry about.

It has been hot again and I am delighted to have drivers to take me to and fro work.
The garden is doing very well , I have my share of flowers and had a great, great load of cherries. The sour kind for pies. What a job to pit them! Yikes.
First time ever that I have success with lupins and they are a memory to my grandfather's garden. He had bunches and bunches of them. They grow well in Belgium/
here I needed something for them, forgot what it was. Anyway it is working.

Time to get to bed, I am worn out today and have to work all week except for 1 dayoff.

Let there be Peace................

SLowly , ever so slowly I am finding some peace within.
The last month was truly trying.
I am finding that like old Bob used to be. I do not do "saying goodbye forever" very well.
I am not stoic, I do not stay quiet about it, and tears come more quickly the older you get.
At least so in my case.
But this week I am starting to think more ahead and less on what could have been.
After all I have been living with "what could have been" for 10 years and it is time
to think of what today is and perhaps there is a tomorrow to enjoy too.
Son had been snow white complected for weeks now and today I saw some color
in his face.
He is getting his bedroom ready and I am moving out so much junk.
Gosh if I was on one of these shows they would throw away the whole lot.
Being addicted to eBay and trying to stay in the retail game to make a few bucks
is hard to forget.
3 PeoplE at work are on vacation or sick, one needing knee surgery so we
are on a skeleton crew but we had to cut hours anyway in payroll.
I have to admit that I am beginning to think of the time when I can retire and just be a house wife, sounds really grand right now.
Old B is doing a lot of wandering around the house, goes to lay down on the bed and comes back out after 10 minutes, walks a bit and goes back to bed for 10 minutes and starts the
whole thing all over again.

Had a very nice lunch with L and C and they let me talk.
Do I give them a chance to interfere with my stories? Of course not.
If you read this, guys, thanks for the therapy
do not send me a bill.

I am going to the cemetary often and start to throw out the flowers
which are faded. Toto was very bad and peed on her flowers
and after I scolded him I thought how she would think this extremely
funny. That is the way she was .

She is at peace and now I got to work on it too and so it will be.
I do not want to spend money on doctors, just trips.
Bon soir , girl, maybe one day I will go to Bulgaria which was your dream.

Trip to Boy Scout Camp

B looked so sad yesterday. Daughter and I were scheduled to drive 3 1.2 hours to a Boy Scout Camp to visit the grandson. I asked B if he wanted to go for a long ride and his eyes began to sparkle. Getting dressed appropriately is a big issue now so we had to think that one out.
He gets cold so fast now when we are sweating. After awhile he decided it was not worth the trouble and announced that he'd rather be home.
He said he did not feel well and he did not look well.
Then starts the guilt, should I leave him or not?
My son told me to go and enjoy the ride as he would watch him with care.
That helps but does not relieve me of the black thoughts :"what if he got sick while I am gone? worse yet what if he died?
on the other hand there is the need to get away.
Daughters ask "mom do you want to go with me?"I do not ask where and answer:
Yes and yes.
The conflict about wanting to get out of the house and the need to watch him all the time
is an enormous conflict even now with son being here 24/7.
It was a gorgeous ride towards Mayberry (yes that Mayberry) the mountains were gorgeous and we drove into never never land.
Gosh I hope the Scouts to be well equipped to find their way.
Grandson was moping. He wanted to see us but he also wanted to go home with us.
His Mom did not see it his way.
A few tears, a camping dinner, more tears and then finally the goodbye.
Come to think of it he never did hug me goodbye.
Ride back and getting dark so I am getting this gadget thrown into my lap and
watch a movie. Swell. Now I get to see something like 13 going on 30.
A chick flick, but it gets me home without thinking of the winding road over
40. Do not like it! The moon was full and gorgeous and looking out for us.
Came home about 11 and found out that son had ordered pizza so they did get fed!!!
B in bed snoring never remembered I had been gone.
C'est la vie !

Goodbye to Ari

Dear Ari,
Yesterday was our day to say goodbye to you.
One by one the cars came to the old cemetary.
A green rug had been laid out and the antique box was on
a small stand.
Quite a few people came who I did not know.
Then I saw Dusty, his shoulders drooping, his eyes hidden behind sun glasses.
The Tattoo shop must have been empty, they were all there.
More sunglasses.
Chris Hudson and his wife but they stood at different ends
you know things are not working out well there.
The Edwards came and Sabrina found out that she had been working
with some of the people and even taught guitar to one of them.
Small world.
Jimmy and Nick were there too, they looked very preppy, black tops and khaki's
Nick even took a shower.
It was a little past 2 when the vans came and the wheelchairs came running down the hill
towards you.
My heart stopped for a second. My knees grew weaker and I thought this is what
Ari is all about , this is her family.
Your Mom came last and could barely walk. What a broken heart.
The testimonials flowed one after the other.
You would have been embarrassed but they were all truths.
No one had to make up bullshit for you like they often do at funerals.
The words came from our hearts , the words came flowing from our gratitude to
have known you.
Bob managed to talk and said you were his best friend.
He will need a lot of mending but he will do it.
Oscar is in Texas and I think it probably was better for him not to
have been there.
a 9 year old has a different view of it all , we would not be able to shield him from
long lasting memories.
I saw even the funeral man have a tear or two and he has seen it all.
It was all very , very touching, we all were together to say goodbye yet
we all knew that we were better people because we had known you.
Au revoir my dear but I know we will meet again in a much better place.
Love you and will always remember you as the girl with the golden heart.
A heart which was tattooed with the words that we are all here equal
and we all need love, you knew that when some of us did not.
Behave there with the angels and please do not ask for sterling wings.
Meme

The heatwave

Went to Dallas this past week end.
Flew there, picked up 3 cats and one dog , packed A's car and returned immediately on
a 1100 miles journey home.
We ate fast food so we would not leave the animals alone and found a friendly pet motel at
Howard Johnsons.
The ride on Sunday took 15 hours and we are still paying the piper.
My head is spinning from the ride.
The two Bob's alone at home had their own adventure , there was the 82 birthday
and daughter 1 came with a cake and balloon.
Old B asked her to write her name down as he was going to frame it.
He managed to overflow the sink so we needed boogie boards to navigate the kitchen
(I was told) and he never figured out that I was gone.
I worried like the mother hen I am but they did fine without me.
I for one could have used another night on the road in a motel and a bit more rest.
The animals were sweethearts.
We found homes for the cats but the old dog named "Courage" is withus.
That is now a three some of dogs and they seem to think that following me
is what they are supposed to do.
It will take some time to get used to that menagerie.
Fortunately they are all house broken.
The Corgy is the only one who wants all the food bowls for herself, all 3 of them.
I am not back at work, too tired.
Too hot!!!!!kitchen is 85 degrees

The box with an A

Final stage will be June 14.
Son wants it private, will call people if they wish to come and say
a few words or just be there.
I had this antique tea caddy which is quite beautiful , inlaid with mother of pearl.
A liked boxes, I gave her quite a few and so did my son.
Somehow I could not get myself to let go last Christmas and give her the box.
It was strange as I am a giver by nature and why did I want to keep this?
When we viewed the cremation boxes we were not impressed.
Hate the thought that there is again an internment but her son wants a place
with Saint Francis on like they did with the cat. He is 9.
So the ashes will be buried in a box.
As I dug up the antique jewel my son looked at it and said:
Mom, did you see the Initial?
I had this box for about 25 years and never saw an initial before.
Never paid attention to it.
There as plain as anything was an "A".
My hair was standing up in my neck.
There was no doubt to any of us that this was to be her box.

Friend at the store lined it with white satin and made a pocket in lace and embroidery to put the bag with ashes into it.
I just could not do the lining and I was happy that someone would do it for me.

Son does not want flowers but donations to some animal site are welcome,
I am so old school I want to bring a bouquet of roses, I can't bear to see
an empty plot. My daughter said I must abide with my sons wishes.
I just do not know.
June 14 will be a sad day for a goodbye and then every day is a sad day for goodbyes,

Going to big D

It is hot and sticky and my old house does not have a/c but the fans are
whirling like mini tornadoes in the room creating my paperwork to go flying about.
Could no sleep well and son was up all night. He has problems with the heat
and was spoiled with having air the last years.

I am leaving with S tomorrow for Dallas Texas.
We are flying from Charlotte and returning with A's car.
Not just the car, son would have left it there for whatever charity but
to my son , animals are more important than most people.
The animals had been put in a shelter and B. would have none of it.
Enter : volunteers.
S and I like to fix the world, she now is taking on my mantra and
does it more than I ever did.
So on our way we will be and bring back in one small car:
One rather large dog, pedigree non existent and 3 cats.
One cat is a prima dona and another one has had so many surgeries
with half a colon still working, she is the sweetest but messiest.
Would you like to have the motel room next to us.?
Add to this that S brought this menagerie to Texas last October.
The shelter was about to let them all go to sleep when son found them.
He is elated.
How will I feel with dog number 3?
The jury is still out.
I was that way when the Corgy came with son a few months ago
(to help me out) now I am a slave to the Corgy.
The Queen of England with her entourage of Corgy's no doubt feels the same way.
Now my question is:
If it is hot here how hot is it in Texas?
Do not answer that.

I said it before, I got rid of the dining room stuff.
Put my table along the sidewalk and within minutes a lady needed it.
Goodwill etc... come and get things when they feel like I
just make short history of it.
My dining room chairs were handcarved in oak and belonged to my
grandfather who had exchanged sugar for them in WW!
yed the first one.
Grandfather was foreman in a sugar factory in Belgium (beets)
and he wanted nice chairs hence the barter.
My mother got them when she married in 1929 and I dusted these
things for most of my 76 years.
I wrote an email to daughters : do you want 3 chairs each or I sell them.
Emails never were answered with such speed.
Yes and yes.
So now I am making the dining room in a little office/salon.
Does "SALON" not sound grand?
Well, I have enough fauteuils to fill it.
My old office will be returned to its previous owner, my son.
It will take me a few, no telling what I all stored in there since I started eBay 11 years ago.

Son put in my new Staples desk in a corner , so now I kill 2 birds with one stone,
from this vantage point I can see the kitchen and spy on old Bob and
I can see the birdfeeder and admire the bright colored friends who eat me out of
dollars and "sense".

Wish me luck with this transformation and a trip to my least favorite city "Dallas".
Why could it not have been San Francisco? Or ......................
It is what it is.

PS not happy with the Stanley cup going to Detroit either.
not happy at all

and life goes on,

It seems that the days blend into each other and I wake up and say:
June 3 ? where did May go?
I look at my stack of May mail, untouched.
The bank account not checked.
Probably on empty like my head.
I guess I have been in a state of a different consciousness where bills and
checks and money just do not matter.
Then it hits you "Important notice or we cancel,,,bla blah blah..............
Life must go on.
We cant mope, we have to pick up the pieces and work the puzzle of life.
It is a crazy quilt and we just added a corner with lots of lace and sterling trinkets, memories of a young woman who entered our life for a purpose.
For me she thaught me that the world is not made up with gorgeous people
all size 2 and forever young.
She thaught me that there is a large world out there with people who have mental problems, who live a whole life with an illness which does not permit them to walk,
who are cripple so their crippled hands will take 2 hours to finish a lunch but they finish it with their dignity to be able to still to that much.
People who can't do a simple task like going to the bathroom by themselves.
She showed me that mentally challenged people can fall in love, can love animals, can
crave french fries , can believe in God or believe in nothing.
She gave me an insight to a world I did not know.
Children who have Prade Willi, a disease which makes them feel hungry from the moment they wake up till it is bed time. Imagine always being hungry to the point you will eat hair,
paper etc..... I never knew this existed , not in my world.
Where had I been for 7 decades?
For sure this girl and her words will be with me forever , she made an inpact in my life.
She told me to fight this system of ours which does not see the needs of such people.
She had more compassion in her silver ring lined little pinky than most of us and yet she struggled with her own demons and could not always be helped.

The only time we had an argument was when I worked for her and used the wrong color pen, she would say : Not again, Meme, black, black , black, we only use black pens!
To this day when I use a blue pen I am thinking about that.

I guess I better stop yacking and see if I can get my numbers head on and start writing some very overdue bills, with a black pen.

The machine goes on..............

Yes, I am beginning to feel like a machine.
I no longer can fix everything even so I once thought so.
I can't change anything for my son who now can't face the title "widower"
at age 35.
We have yet to have the memorial and I am beginning to be unraveled.
I honestly do not know where I get it to get up in the morning and go to
work and or start the household chores.
Old Bob 's behavior for the moment is in the background that does not mean
that I am so po'd at him that he cut all the branches on my grapevine.
They had grapes for the first time!
And I was beaming.
He broke his housekey in the car lock yesterday.
We are now covering the car which cost 20.00 and I wonder why we did
not think of that before. (the cover)
Will he peak under the cover?
My house is topsy turvy with stuff coming in from my son's life.
I am trying to give him back his old room.
So sorting out what I no longer need and figuring out that I too became a packrat.
I do everything on automation
Son said that even when I garden I do it with so much tension , I should enjoy the gardening, he tells me and yet when he watches me I am like a machine, must do now, must finish by 5, must water now.
Son is not doing well at all. He keeps everything inside and shows this strong front which leaks with anger.
If I do not learn to "take it easy" (hate these words) I am going to be in trouble.
BP is up way up for both son and I while old B has a normal BP.
Of course he does not know what goes on , not any of it.