enf of 2009

Going to check what I wrote a year ago but I do not think that I was figuring on having my worst year yet.
In a way I truly had a lot of help via the VA. Bob is in day care. That should have sufficed to send me singing like a bird and have time to myself.

Somehow, somewhere, I became more and more tired and had less compassion (afraid to say) less patience, less money,
ans was faced with the downhill of the AD disease.
Bob became more violent, a big surprise to me, this was a very gentle man. More distance between him and the family.
I became "she" or the woman and Bobby became more and more hated.

The scenes of anger, frustration became more frequent on all sides. I think he is just as tired of this new mind which does not remember what happened 2 seconds ago.
Imagine for one second if my old and dearest friend would suddenly see a film with him in a rage. How would he feel? He would be devastated. He would be so sorry that he handled us that way, but he does not know.

The cliche , of course, is always "it is not him, it is the disease". Hard for me to put this all together at times.
I also can't understand the word "closure" Guess I need a shrink.

The thyroid is not helping, that plays a big part with being tired and sometimes just exhausted.

I am hoping for a better understanding of it all in 2010.
We are going in the 13th year. I should be used to it by
now/. We never get used to it- is the answer.

Sabrina and Frank. then check me ready to take the dog out in the snow, leggings and all.
Nick is with me and I have to check out the handmade truffels courtesy of Jim.
Just baked some buns, are you hungry? I will make some more.

One of these is studying to be a doctor.
Who would you trust to save your life?
Clue: Just check the T shirt

our family

kids, grandkids, moi and old dad and Frank the in-law who is also our son!!!!

One of his paintings from the past.
A very talented man, now he does not know colors.

catching up

It has been awhile since I blogged.
Reason:

This was and is a blog about my experiences as a 24/7 caregiver to my husband who has Alzheimer.

We are entering the 13th year since his diagnoses.
He is healthy of body and the mind is gone to another land.

This past year was my worst year.
Perhaps because I am worn out.
Perhaps because there I am just too tired all the time to fight it.
Perhaps I have not much left to give.
Perhaps I feel to sorry for myself.
Perhaps it is all becoming too much to my own
memory bank and the concerns that amidst being so immersed in a hundred things to remember that I am concerned about being next.

My respite this year was great, 4 days I was gone.
Daughter Sabrina took in old dad and the other two kids helped too.
There was surprise on all fronts about how much attention is needed.

I was invited to a special birthday for a special friend. She lives in Mass.
Her children paid for my trip and off I flew to
the North.
I was surprised to be among people who do not have to watch someone.
I had time to just sit and ponder, have a glass of wine, cheese and just talk with my best friend.
I could sleep as long as I wanted, did not have to wake up and wonder if the other side of the bed was empty.
I could get used to that.

This year there was violence. Unexpected , totally out of character, but there it was.
Aslap on the face, the ear red and in pain and I could not imagine that this little guy did this to me.
Where was my gentle , ever nice to me, husband.
More medication from the VA and it helps a bit but anything (visitors) can set him off.
A light which he thinks should not be on and
the swinging of the arms start.

I have learned what to look for and how to avoid the blows.
He hit son too. Then again he thinks we are strangers.

So why did I not blog?
I just did not want to bring down the whole world with my sour words , tearful phrases, begging for better days.

Having said that , if you are reading this and you are taking care of someone then you know how I feel and you will know you are not alone in this fight for survival.

I keep telling myself that there is life after A.
I do not want to go first, that would cause chaos in my family.
So I started to diet and try and be healthier the hard part is the mental part.
They, meaning, all involved in this illness keep saying that we have to take care of ourselves first.
If we don't too many of us will become ill.
So I am trying.

We had a nice Christmas eve and he looks good in the photos because the new medication also enhences his appetite. So I already had to purchase new pants as the waist was expanding.

I wish all of you a terrific New Year.
May you have peace in your hearts.
May you dream pleasant dreams.
May you have travel to experience the world around you.
May you be healthier than last year.
May you be prosperous.
May you love the job you are in or find the best one yet.
May all your loved ones be there with you and for you.
My list could go on forever but you got the picture
Happy New Year

Holidays

I am not alone to have the blues around this time of the year.
Yesterday I was looking for something small which old Bob would probably give me for Christmas.
We no longer were giving presents to each other before he became ill but he would make little cards with funny drawings or such. Paper flowers he did often.
Nothing did catch my eye, I just wanted to put something under the tree that would say :OK I am still here.
Truth is hard to swallow, he is n't here.

That reminded me of all the angst I am having to give something to my family and still stay within my budget-read :not overdraw at the bank-

Then again I came across my Christmas story written several years ago and I will repeat it again for my own sake to
remember that the importance of our life is our family around us. When I think that I came here a new bride and now I have 6 grandsons , my kids, and a fabulous son in law.
I am not alone, I have a great bunch of human beings around me who support me night and day. A better Christmas present than that is impossible.

But here was my very best Christmas in 1944:
My best Christmas ever.

Often people ask about your best Christmas memory and this is mine.
Could not ever be duplicated no matter how many Christmases I will live to see.

Christmas Eve 1944
Gent, Belgium

I am 12, mother is 34. She is recovering from a major surgery and a husband who has left her for another woman just a few months ago.

We are finally liberated , we in the north welcomed the allies in September.
In the Southern part, in the gorgeous mountains, hills and forest another battle is in full swing. It becomes to be known as the Battle of the Bulge.
Our gorgeous Ardennes are being mutilated. Worse hundreds of lives if not thousands on all sides of this horrific war are falling in the fresh wet snow.

Mom and I are not aware of this battle, we hear very little of what is going on outside our newly freed Provinces.
We are alone in our very cold house, windows broken covered with lumber,
water rats moved in what used to be our bedrooms.
The roof is shattered in many places from the bombing and air raids.
The wood/coal stove only produces so much heat as we huddle around it
covered in blankets.

Mother is lonely; she is sad, alone for this Christmas for the first time since
her marriages of 16 years. She is still feeling ill. War had not made her
skinny, she is a full fleshed Flemish woman like you see in Rubens renditions.
She lived on potatoes and onion gravy; we are yet to see some meat coming
in our tables but for the grace of the few Americans who are helping us.

So this brave lady who was together with her little family in grave danger all
through the war is now struggling with a new reality. She had been the radio
communicator with the Brits in her bedroom. She was fluent in the language,
thanks to a good education and was my father’s right hand in the underground fight
of what we called “the white brigade”.
She had welcomed the soldiers who parachuted in the night and gave them
clothing and food for the next stop. She had sent her only child to school when
she was wondering if a new air raid would come today, eliminating the factory
and the village. She never knew what the day would bring.

That first Christmas eve when all around us was changed and yet nothing
had changed at all. We were still seeing planes come and go over our heads and
we still saw the air battles, we did not know for sure how far the Germans were and would
they return? In our hearts however we felt that all was going to be fine.
We had hope for the first time in what seemed eternity.
With this in mind Mother decided we should spent Christmas Eve at her sister’s house in town. That was 9 km away (almost 6 miles).
The excitement got a hold of both of us and with enormous energy and good cheer we left the old stove to warm up the rats and started our journey along the
cold waters of the Canal of Terneuzen.

We had walked this foot path for years, I think we knew where there would be a dip in the dirt and mud under the fresh snow, we knew where a large stone would stick out and how to avoid falling in that narrow strip next to the canal.
Next to it was the bicycle path but that worse in need of filling the larger holes.
Even in the dark night we knew our way.
I can still see the cold fog over the water, piercing cold in our bones.
My shoes too tight. I was always growing too fast and my feet were the
first to show the signs.

We started to sing , she could sing , I could barely keep a tune.
But we sang with our vocal chords in full orchestra mode and in the silence
we go from “the Yankees are coming” to “Belle nuit de Noel” and “Petit Papa Noel “.

Along the canal there was only industry, we lived in a lonely little house about 100 yards from an electrical plant. Most plants at this point where not working, almost all had been bombed. The silence along the water was eerie, as the little bit of snow would fall intermittently. Now and then an army truck would drive by on the road and soldiers would yell “Merry Christmas”, some had other messages too.
First time we both heard F word, mother honestly had never heard that one at the
convent where she had studied. She was very puzzled, what did it all mean?
Very few Belgians had cars at that point, perhaps a few doctors.
Only army was on the road, day in and day out.
We were used to that but these camouflaged tanks were a much loved sight.

By the time we reached the blown up bridge of Meulestede we crossed the canal on a makeshift bridge and started to walk between the streets lined with houses.
Here and there one could see lights and the cozy interior of people celebrating.
Mother stopped and told me to look and listen with my heart at the sights and sounds.
“You know Jeannot , she whispered, this is what is called “freedom”.
You see we are finally allowed on the street at night, we are finally allowed to have lights coming out from the houses, that means this is our first Christmas
in many years of total freedom. “
“Freedom means we can now just walk to Tante while watching the stars and
singing, we can peak in the windows and see people with bright lights shining on their faces. Jeannot, never forget this moment”.

I did n’t, I can still see it, I can still smell it, I can feel it in my heart.


Mother was disappointed that we could not get to a midnight mass on our way
but all the churches were still closed. Perhaps no one had wanted to come out
or perhaps the new army had told them to cool it for awhile, I do not know but we passed several churches and no service.

I started to slow down and she found a way of making me go a little faster.
Where she saw light in the houses she rang the doorbell and started to run away.
I had no choice but to run after her and hide around the next corner.
That way we got to my Tante in a jiffy.



I can see the gate at my Tantes house and lights turning on for the
night visitors. No phone to tell them we were coming but the welcome
was heartwarming.

My cousins came out of bed to hug us and I could crawl in bed next to them
tell them about my adventure of the night. No rats here, no damage to their house, they were blessed. I was in heaven close to giggling bodies and it is Christmas.

I do not remember one present given that Christmas, I doubt that we had any
at all but I am still feeling the joy of that night.
The songs come back to me. Belle Nuit.....Petit enfant Jesus.....
Au clair de la lune mon ami Pierot. ................................

Merry Christmas Mom, Tante, wherever you are.
Goeden nacht, zalige nacht.