Fear of rejection, fear of sounding dumb, fear of not enough money, fear of asking too many favors, fear for others, fear of others.
Seems the older I get and the less control I have over my life the more fear walks in.
I do not like it.
How to conquer it? I dunno.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Day is over
It is evening and the day went well because they had me working in the shop till 6
I am exhausted but it will do me good towalk that much, maybe get the mud out of my head.
Bob again gave milk to the dogs when I just told him not to.
Ate hardly anything, keeps giving it to the dogs.
Gave him his milkshake so he would have something in him with calories.
Glad it is time to go to bed.
Last night I opened a shop again, what a nightmare that would be.
Went well in my dream but thanks no longer for me.
Good night world.
Goodnight Ari wherever you are, if you meet Meme tell her I miss her but it is good that she is not here to hear my complaints , or is she?
I am exhausted but it will do me good towalk that much, maybe get the mud out of my head.
Bob again gave milk to the dogs when I just told him not to.
Ate hardly anything, keeps giving it to the dogs.
Gave him his milkshake so he would have something in him with calories.
Glad it is time to go to bed.
Last night I opened a shop again, what a nightmare that would be.
Went well in my dream but thanks no longer for me.
Good night world.
Goodnight Ari wherever you are, if you meet Meme tell her I miss her but it is good that she is not here to hear my complaints , or is she?
Another hot week
The temps have been way too high for this old gal.
The fans are working overtime in all the rooms.
I keep seeing this image of Elizabeh Taylor on a porch in the South fanning herself
was it "a cat on a hot tin roof?" or was it "Giant?" I think Orson Wells was in it too.
So this is the South, I thought, I will not go there.
Well, I have been here over 30 years now.
Get used to it old gal.
You are not going anywhere else or are you?
Home life makes me again angry, I can't make up my mind , be angry, cry, make jokes of it all,
in what file can I find the right mood.
Lets see, there is a file here "Everything is great with the world"
Yeah right.
Oh here is one" Pick yourself up and just do one step at a time"
OK that file will do for today but I can make the steps with a bit of anger.
The whole week I looked at B like he was a stranger.
He is a stranger, he stole my husband.
He continues to think all cars are his.
He checks doors all the time.
We tell visitors to lock their cars.
The girl across the street locks her car!
So far he left the tomatoes alone, one is making it into a red shade without his
assault. Great!
So far 3 watermelons have been allowed to get bigger.
I check them perhaps 4 times a day.
We got a sort of nanny camera and we can see where he goes in
the front and back yard.
It is a great tool, ot was inexpensive, we got it at Toiys R US
Son goes into different modes of grieving but he does not talk much.
He is moody.
I always want to please people so I am trying to see if I can fix it only
to aggravate his mood.
I no longer enjoy my work as I used to but then also I do not want to
come home after work.
What is this a nagging day?
Lets see if I can get to work and see if I can hear some laughter, we are
having an employee day with discounts and chicken and ice cream.
The fans are working overtime in all the rooms.
I keep seeing this image of Elizabeh Taylor on a porch in the South fanning herself
was it "a cat on a hot tin roof?" or was it "Giant?" I think Orson Wells was in it too.
So this is the South, I thought, I will not go there.
Well, I have been here over 30 years now.
Get used to it old gal.
You are not going anywhere else or are you?
Home life makes me again angry, I can't make up my mind , be angry, cry, make jokes of it all,
in what file can I find the right mood.
Lets see, there is a file here "Everything is great with the world"
Yeah right.
Oh here is one" Pick yourself up and just do one step at a time"
OK that file will do for today but I can make the steps with a bit of anger.
The whole week I looked at B like he was a stranger.
He is a stranger, he stole my husband.
He continues to think all cars are his.
He checks doors all the time.
We tell visitors to lock their cars.
The girl across the street locks her car!
So far he left the tomatoes alone, one is making it into a red shade without his
assault. Great!
So far 3 watermelons have been allowed to get bigger.
I check them perhaps 4 times a day.
We got a sort of nanny camera and we can see where he goes in
the front and back yard.
It is a great tool, ot was inexpensive, we got it at Toiys R US
Son goes into different modes of grieving but he does not talk much.
He is moody.
I always want to please people so I am trying to see if I can fix it only
to aggravate his mood.
I no longer enjoy my work as I used to but then also I do not want to
come home after work.
What is this a nagging day?
Lets see if I can get to work and see if I can hear some laughter, we are
having an employee day with discounts and chicken and ice cream.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
A VISITOR
Grandson K is here from Sweden. He is a very nice kid. He is extremely polite, I can't believe how polite he is. He has grown. We see him once a year . He speaks Swedish fluently and does well in school even so he has Aspberger Autism. A pleasure to see him. His dad is delighted.
A change from the tragedies of the last 2 months. Some sunshine.
Read this in WOWOW by Kay Rayan s me nuts. Here’s one of her poems that she wrote about her mother:
A change from the tragedies of the last 2 months. Some sunshine.
Read this in WOWOW by Kay Rayan s me nuts. Here’s one of her poems that she wrote about her mother:
THINGS SHOULDN’T BE SO HARD
A life should leave
deep tracks:
ruts where she
went out and back
to get the mail
or move the hose
around the yard;
where she used to
stand before the sink,
a worn-out place;
beneath her hand,
the china knobs
rubbed down to
white pastilles;
the switch she
used to feel for
in the dark
almost erased.
Her things should
keep her marks.
The passage
of a life should show;
it should not abrade.
And when life stops,
a certain space
––however small––
should be left scarred
by the grand and
damaging parade.
Things shouldn’t
be so hard.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Turn it around
Ok it is a good thing that I am blogging for when I look back on some of these blogs
I am thinking that I have been in the negative pitty pot for far too long.
I have not allowed myself to do that in the past.
What is going on here?
The home situation is what it is.
Accept it and go on with it.
Sounds simple, does it not?
I always thought so, I am very flexible, so what is wrong here, old girl?
So I am a bit depressed, who is n't?
I got to change my attitude.
I am thinking that I have been in the negative pitty pot for far too long.
I have not allowed myself to do that in the past.
What is going on here?
The home situation is what it is.
Accept it and go on with it.
Sounds simple, does it not?
I always thought so, I am very flexible, so what is wrong here, old girl?
So I am a bit depressed, who is n't?
I got to change my attitude.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Another Loss
I so wish to be able to write some uplifting , great news and saying that all is well in the world.
All well in my world. We know about the rest of the world.
Yesterday another BLACK DAY . Perhaps a day of liberation to heart ache for a mother.
Yesterday a friend found daughter-in-law 's mother had passed on.
Her only child died 2 months ago, I think to the day.
I believe her heart ached just too much.
She had a heart attack.
We are still reeling from the shock of A leaving us at age 32 and now her mom.
I feel like a black cloud is following us.
It is hard to be upbeat and positive when all this is happening in such a short time.
You do not have the time to get over the first shock.
Then I saw that Paradise Ca. was in trouble with fires and a good friend of my
husband's lives there , so far no telephone conversations received.
Outside the birds are chirping , the sun is shining and we are in for another hot but lovely day.
I got to get a grip and turn the tide of tears.
All well in my world. We know about the rest of the world.
Yesterday another BLACK DAY . Perhaps a day of liberation to heart ache for a mother.
Yesterday a friend found daughter-in-law 's mother had passed on.
Her only child died 2 months ago, I think to the day.
I believe her heart ached just too much.
She had a heart attack.
We are still reeling from the shock of A leaving us at age 32 and now her mom.
I feel like a black cloud is following us.
It is hard to be upbeat and positive when all this is happening in such a short time.
You do not have the time to get over the first shock.
Then I saw that Paradise Ca. was in trouble with fires and a good friend of my
husband's lives there , so far no telephone conversations received.
Outside the birds are chirping , the sun is shining and we are in for another hot but lovely day.
I got to get a grip and turn the tide of tears.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
BAD DAY
I got up with the feeling a black cloud is following me everywhere.
So then the tears come for no reason.
I would say it is PMS but I am 76 now.
Old B is sleeping a lot right at the table, goes to bed for 5 minutes comes back and
sleeps some more at the table in a very uncomfortable position.
Forgets when he ate and when he drank so he drinks all day long and we all
drink something different so he takes from us all whatever the mood strikes him
or the color of the bottle or can.
He eats sometimes one meal after another because he tells me he is hungry,
i THINK he does not know what it means.
So he end up sneaking it to the dogs who are later ill and throwing up all
over the place. He loves to give them milk.
He is getting on my nerves this week.
Messed up one of my necklaces till it broke.
I knew I should have put it away right away but so many other chores were calling so in
no time it was broken.
Bad hair day, they say , no bad day PERIOD. today.
So then the tears come for no reason.
I would say it is PMS but I am 76 now.
Old B is sleeping a lot right at the table, goes to bed for 5 minutes comes back and
sleeps some more at the table in a very uncomfortable position.
Forgets when he ate and when he drank so he drinks all day long and we all
drink something different so he takes from us all whatever the mood strikes him
or the color of the bottle or can.
He eats sometimes one meal after another because he tells me he is hungry,
i THINK he does not know what it means.
So he end up sneaking it to the dogs who are later ill and throwing up all
over the place. He loves to give them milk.
He is getting on my nerves this week.
Messed up one of my necklaces till it broke.
I knew I should have put it away right away but so many other chores were calling so in
no time it was broken.
Bad hair day, they say , no bad day PERIOD. today.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
No celebration this week end
We opted for peace and quiet this week end.
I worked even on the 4th.
Most retail keeps on going.
I did not mind but forgot to wear red white and blue.
Oh well, brown for the day did fine too.
No fan of G W B I do not feel like I should wish him a
happy birthday either.
WOWOW site had bunch of wishes.
I was furious as they put in Coultier too as a visiting
friend.
I guess we have to have freedom of speech.
Its been a bummer at home , papers on the adoption of O and
young B mostly in a silent mood.
He keeps too much inside.
I went to the cemetary and brought a cement planter with flowers
in.
Son wants to buy a stone but they are expensive.
One turns around and one needs money for this or that
it is unending.
For the first time I am not longing to go to work in the morning.
I am thinking more and more about retiring but still need the
money from the store to make up for expenses and c c
It was an expensive month.
New fridge, new computer desk and chair.
My best buy was a rug at Lowes
it was a sample.
They were selling all the samples for 20.00
they were flying out of the store.
I got a nice one which looks like a handmade oriental
one does not notice the numbers woven into the rug for the sample mark.
Furniture over it.
It looks like a million bucks!!!!!
Son starting to paint my hallway.
It is his week end project.
Meanwhile we are getting ready for a yard sale this week end.
I do not like them but have too muich stuff which has to find a better home.
I have given away tons already at Goodwill but some are good antique
glass ware.
Hoping for a better week ahead
I worked even on the 4th.
Most retail keeps on going.
I did not mind but forgot to wear red white and blue.
Oh well, brown for the day did fine too.
No fan of G W B I do not feel like I should wish him a
happy birthday either.
WOWOW site had bunch of wishes.
I was furious as they put in Coultier too as a visiting
friend.
I guess we have to have freedom of speech.
Its been a bummer at home , papers on the adoption of O and
young B mostly in a silent mood.
He keeps too much inside.
I went to the cemetary and brought a cement planter with flowers
in.
Son wants to buy a stone but they are expensive.
One turns around and one needs money for this or that
it is unending.
For the first time I am not longing to go to work in the morning.
I am thinking more and more about retiring but still need the
money from the store to make up for expenses and c c
It was an expensive month.
New fridge, new computer desk and chair.
My best buy was a rug at Lowes
it was a sample.
They were selling all the samples for 20.00
they were flying out of the store.
I got a nice one which looks like a handmade oriental
one does not notice the numbers woven into the rug for the sample mark.
Furniture over it.
It looks like a million bucks!!!!!
Son starting to paint my hallway.
It is his week end project.
Meanwhile we are getting ready for a yard sale this week end.
I do not like them but have too muich stuff which has to find a better home.
I have given away tons already at Goodwill but some are good antique
glass ware.
Hoping for a better week ahead
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
COOLING DOWN
Last few days have cooled down a lot so I am welcoming the breeze and the house is
lovely and cool. I am sure this too shall not last after all we just entered July.
Have an apple tree which for the first time has some fruit. Should say HAD,
Bob went and picked the small green apples. Just like he did with the cherries.
I am wondering how long the tomatoes will last.
At least I can do fried green tomatoes but not when they are the size of a dime
and feel like a rock.
Flowers have surprised me I think the organic feeding of worm poop is good for them.
I am impressed. Hostas are blooming more too.
Had a great day yesterday with Sabrina, she had to shop for a bird in the office,
Pet shopping is fun. It comes with the choices, the connections, the hope for the
future joy . She settled on 2 nice finches. We think they are husband and wife but then
again they could be a gay couple. The huge cage in Sabrina's office will add to the
ambiance of the clients being adjusted by the chiropractor.
Son had a few bad days with decisions to his step son and the wishes and hindsight that
he should have adopted the child he raised for the last 7 1/2 years.
We all can do so very well with hindsight but at the moment there are things
which come into play to make these decisions not possible, money for one thing.
Money talks, big money screams at ye, lawyers are costly and not always truly working for you.
This is the situation he has to deal with.
A loss of a friend, spouse, and now a child.
Life is not always easy but at least we can hope for a better tomorrow.
I am so wishing that his tomorrows will become filled with sunshine and leave the dark clouds behind. He had enough of these to last the rest of his life.
We are having sales upon sales in the shop but then we went to Coldwater Creek and they had better sales than us. WOW. It is a buyers market.
Read that Starbucks will close a bunch of stores and downsize in a big way.
I cant afford to retire just yet but there is a possibility that closing trend may be
coming for a lot more of the chain stores.
Hope we can hang in there.
lovely and cool. I am sure this too shall not last after all we just entered July.
Have an apple tree which for the first time has some fruit. Should say HAD,
Bob went and picked the small green apples. Just like he did with the cherries.
I am wondering how long the tomatoes will last.
At least I can do fried green tomatoes but not when they are the size of a dime
and feel like a rock.
Flowers have surprised me I think the organic feeding of worm poop is good for them.
I am impressed. Hostas are blooming more too.
Had a great day yesterday with Sabrina, she had to shop for a bird in the office,
Pet shopping is fun. It comes with the choices, the connections, the hope for the
future joy . She settled on 2 nice finches. We think they are husband and wife but then
again they could be a gay couple. The huge cage in Sabrina's office will add to the
ambiance of the clients being adjusted by the chiropractor.
Son had a few bad days with decisions to his step son and the wishes and hindsight that
he should have adopted the child he raised for the last 7 1/2 years.
We all can do so very well with hindsight but at the moment there are things
which come into play to make these decisions not possible, money for one thing.
Money talks, big money screams at ye, lawyers are costly and not always truly working for you.
This is the situation he has to deal with.
A loss of a friend, spouse, and now a child.
Life is not always easy but at least we can hope for a better tomorrow.
I am so wishing that his tomorrows will become filled with sunshine and leave the dark clouds behind. He had enough of these to last the rest of his life.
We are having sales upon sales in the shop but then we went to Coldwater Creek and they had better sales than us. WOW. It is a buyers market.
Read that Starbucks will close a bunch of stores and downsize in a big way.
I cant afford to retire just yet but there is a possibility that closing trend may be
coming for a lot more of the chain stores.
Hope we can hang in there.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Hair is gone!
The nice part of all the work in April. al the planting, seeds in the sub basement, deciding which and where, all of this comes into bloom just about now.
I am so thrilled , I planned well.
With bending and kneeling a bit of a problem these days I had started to put in hostas last year.
Now they are coming up in full glory and they are starting to bloom too.
More perenials put in this year and lo and behold the lupins are doing just great.
Planted some small ones rather late and here they are blooming with 3 blooms a stem.
I grew up with them in my grandfather's yard. I had such troubles getting them to bloom and then found out they needed nitrogen.
Life is getting calmer, my old office is being transformed into son's bedroom again.
I managed to collected years and years of paper junk in my office so the shredder has
been overheating quite often and the roomba's are doing hourly work.
It will be nice to have that over with.
SOn cut his hair and donated it for a wig.
The hairdresser came to the house to do it as he cant go there.
SHe was so impressed with the thick curly healthy 13 inches of hair.
She needed to cut and cut several times to get across his mane.
He then also cut his beard but I think the beard will come back.
He looks good with a beard and he gets rashes when he shaves.
He looks in his twenties.
He also has smiled more than once the past 2 days so maybe the pain
is subsiding just a bit.
Life is getting calmer, thank God,
life is gettign easyer, thank God.
Maybe we will all be fine for the rest of the year, it has been a very hard year so far.
There is always tomorrow. There is always hope.
Going to work now and hope we stay open and someone needs a dress or
slacks for that new job of theirs.
I am so thrilled , I planned well.
With bending and kneeling a bit of a problem these days I had started to put in hostas last year.
Now they are coming up in full glory and they are starting to bloom too.
More perenials put in this year and lo and behold the lupins are doing just great.
Planted some small ones rather late and here they are blooming with 3 blooms a stem.
I grew up with them in my grandfather's yard. I had such troubles getting them to bloom and then found out they needed nitrogen.
Life is getting calmer, my old office is being transformed into son's bedroom again.
I managed to collected years and years of paper junk in my office so the shredder has
been overheating quite often and the roomba's are doing hourly work.
It will be nice to have that over with.
SOn cut his hair and donated it for a wig.
The hairdresser came to the house to do it as he cant go there.
SHe was so impressed with the thick curly healthy 13 inches of hair.
She needed to cut and cut several times to get across his mane.
He then also cut his beard but I think the beard will come back.
He looks good with a beard and he gets rashes when he shaves.
He looks in his twenties.
He also has smiled more than once the past 2 days so maybe the pain
is subsiding just a bit.
Life is getting calmer, thank God,
life is gettign easyer, thank God.
Maybe we will all be fine for the rest of the year, it has been a very hard year so far.
There is always tomorrow. There is always hope.
Going to work now and hope we stay open and someone needs a dress or
slacks for that new job of theirs.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Frugal
Frugal is a word that is missing in my dictionary.
I was reminded of that this morning when I saw an interview with
Suzie Ohrman or Orman.
She is the money goddess with advice for everyone.
On TV she gave me food for thought...how long will the thought last??????????
well till the next visit at a jewelry counter anyway.
This blonde who said that she is now worth in the 8 figures said that the
earrings she was wearing were the only pair she owned.
She did not need 2 pairs. She had one pair and that is all she needs in life.
That sounded truly scary to me.
I have mine on hooks so I went and took a quick count on how much
money I have hanging on the wall.
Well, since I do not buy diamonds nor gold , it did not amount to a great fortune
perhaps a great meal with friends at an expensive restaurant.
I am beginning to wonder if we ladies, girls, in all of the USA, leave out everything else,
if we would just have one pair of earrings what would happen to the jewelry industry?
In the store where I work we sell plenty of them.
Would I then have my hours cut or my job cut because that is a loss of sales?
Yikes.
Told my daughter and she answered:
Mom, you should email Suzan O and ask her why we need 3 of her books which
I have on the shelve? Maybe one would be enough!
Suzan and her partner also live in a modest house in San Fran.
of course today to buy a modest house in San Francisco you still need a lot of dough.
So I decided that just for today I would not look at another earring.
Maybe not even tomorrow ........there is hope to become more frugal....
until ............never mind.
Hubby has been sleeping a lot lately, he is losing steam so I worry.
Of course I was born worrying.
Son is a level headed guy and tries to get me to stop making up things to worry about.
It has been hot again and I am delighted to have drivers to take me to and fro work.
The garden is doing very well , I have my share of flowers and had a great, great load of cherries. The sour kind for pies. What a job to pit them! Yikes.
First time ever that I have success with lupins and they are a memory to my grandfather's garden. He had bunches and bunches of them. They grow well in Belgium/
here I needed something for them, forgot what it was. Anyway it is working.
Time to get to bed, I am worn out today and have to work all week except for 1 dayoff.
I was reminded of that this morning when I saw an interview with
Suzie Ohrman or Orman.
She is the money goddess with advice for everyone.
On TV she gave me food for thought...how long will the thought last??????????
well till the next visit at a jewelry counter anyway.
This blonde who said that she is now worth in the 8 figures said that the
earrings she was wearing were the only pair she owned.
She did not need 2 pairs. She had one pair and that is all she needs in life.
That sounded truly scary to me.
I have mine on hooks so I went and took a quick count on how much
money I have hanging on the wall.
Well, since I do not buy diamonds nor gold , it did not amount to a great fortune
perhaps a great meal with friends at an expensive restaurant.
I am beginning to wonder if we ladies, girls, in all of the USA, leave out everything else,
if we would just have one pair of earrings what would happen to the jewelry industry?
In the store where I work we sell plenty of them.
Would I then have my hours cut or my job cut because that is a loss of sales?
Yikes.
Told my daughter and she answered:
Mom, you should email Suzan O and ask her why we need 3 of her books which
I have on the shelve? Maybe one would be enough!
Suzan and her partner also live in a modest house in San Fran.
of course today to buy a modest house in San Francisco you still need a lot of dough.
So I decided that just for today I would not look at another earring.
Maybe not even tomorrow ........there is hope to become more frugal....
until ............never mind.
Hubby has been sleeping a lot lately, he is losing steam so I worry.
Of course I was born worrying.
Son is a level headed guy and tries to get me to stop making up things to worry about.
It has been hot again and I am delighted to have drivers to take me to and fro work.
The garden is doing very well , I have my share of flowers and had a great, great load of cherries. The sour kind for pies. What a job to pit them! Yikes.
First time ever that I have success with lupins and they are a memory to my grandfather's garden. He had bunches and bunches of them. They grow well in Belgium/
here I needed something for them, forgot what it was. Anyway it is working.
Time to get to bed, I am worn out today and have to work all week except for 1 dayoff.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Let there be Peace................
SLowly , ever so slowly I am finding some peace within.
The last month was truly trying.
I am finding that like old Bob used to be. I do not do "saying goodbye forever" very well.
I am not stoic, I do not stay quiet about it, and tears come more quickly the older you get.
At least so in my case.
But this week I am starting to think more ahead and less on what could have been.
After all I have been living with "what could have been" for 10 years and it is time
to think of what today is and perhaps there is a tomorrow to enjoy too.
Son had been snow white complected for weeks now and today I saw some color
in his face.
He is getting his bedroom ready and I am moving out so much junk.
Gosh if I was on one of these shows they would throw away the whole lot.
Being addicted to eBay and trying to stay in the retail game to make a few bucks
is hard to forget.
3 PeoplE at work are on vacation or sick, one needing knee surgery so we
are on a skeleton crew but we had to cut hours anyway in payroll.
I have to admit that I am beginning to think of the time when I can retire and just be a house wife, sounds really grand right now.
Old B is doing a lot of wandering around the house, goes to lay down on the bed and comes back out after 10 minutes, walks a bit and goes back to bed for 10 minutes and starts the
whole thing all over again.
Had a very nice lunch with L and C and they let me talk.
Do I give them a chance to interfere with my stories? Of course not.
If you read this, guys, thanks for the therapy
do not send me a bill.
I am going to the cemetary often and start to throw out the flowers
which are faded. Toto was very bad and peed on her flowers
and after I scolded him I thought how she would think this extremely
funny. That is the way she was .
She is at peace and now I got to work on it too and so it will be.
I do not want to spend money on doctors, just trips.
Bon soir , girl, maybe one day I will go to Bulgaria which was your dream.
The last month was truly trying.
I am finding that like old Bob used to be. I do not do "saying goodbye forever" very well.
I am not stoic, I do not stay quiet about it, and tears come more quickly the older you get.
At least so in my case.
But this week I am starting to think more ahead and less on what could have been.
After all I have been living with "what could have been" for 10 years and it is time
to think of what today is and perhaps there is a tomorrow to enjoy too.
Son had been snow white complected for weeks now and today I saw some color
in his face.
He is getting his bedroom ready and I am moving out so much junk.
Gosh if I was on one of these shows they would throw away the whole lot.
Being addicted to eBay and trying to stay in the retail game to make a few bucks
is hard to forget.
3 PeoplE at work are on vacation or sick, one needing knee surgery so we
are on a skeleton crew but we had to cut hours anyway in payroll.
I have to admit that I am beginning to think of the time when I can retire and just be a house wife, sounds really grand right now.
Old B is doing a lot of wandering around the house, goes to lay down on the bed and comes back out after 10 minutes, walks a bit and goes back to bed for 10 minutes and starts the
whole thing all over again.
Had a very nice lunch with L and C and they let me talk.
Do I give them a chance to interfere with my stories? Of course not.
If you read this, guys, thanks for the therapy
do not send me a bill.
I am going to the cemetary often and start to throw out the flowers
which are faded. Toto was very bad and peed on her flowers
and after I scolded him I thought how she would think this extremely
funny. That is the way she was .
She is at peace and now I got to work on it too and so it will be.
I do not want to spend money on doctors, just trips.
Bon soir , girl, maybe one day I will go to Bulgaria which was your dream.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Trip to Boy Scout Camp
B looked so sad yesterday. Daughter and I were scheduled to drive 3 1.2 hours to a Boy Scout Camp to visit the grandson. I asked B if he wanted to go for a long ride and his eyes began to sparkle. Getting dressed appropriately is a big issue now so we had to think that one out.
He gets cold so fast now when we are sweating. After awhile he decided it was not worth the trouble and announced that he'd rather be home.
He said he did not feel well and he did not look well.
Then starts the guilt, should I leave him or not?
My son told me to go and enjoy the ride as he would watch him with care.
That helps but does not relieve me of the black thoughts :"what if he got sick while I am gone? worse yet what if he died?
on the other hand there is the need to get away.
Daughters ask "mom do you want to go with me?"I do not ask where and answer:
Yes and yes.
The conflict about wanting to get out of the house and the need to watch him all the time
is an enormous conflict even now with son being here 24/7.
It was a gorgeous ride towards Mayberry (yes that Mayberry) the mountains were gorgeous and we drove into never never land.
Gosh I hope the Scouts to be well equipped to find their way.
Grandson was moping. He wanted to see us but he also wanted to go home with us.
His Mom did not see it his way.
A few tears, a camping dinner, more tears and then finally the goodbye.
Come to think of it he never did hug me goodbye.
Ride back and getting dark so I am getting this gadget thrown into my lap and
watch a movie. Swell. Now I get to see something like 13 going on 30.
A chick flick, but it gets me home without thinking of the winding road over
40. Do not like it! The moon was full and gorgeous and looking out for us.
Came home about 11 and found out that son had ordered pizza so they did get fed!!!
B in bed snoring never remembered I had been gone.
C'est la vie !
He gets cold so fast now when we are sweating. After awhile he decided it was not worth the trouble and announced that he'd rather be home.
He said he did not feel well and he did not look well.
Then starts the guilt, should I leave him or not?
My son told me to go and enjoy the ride as he would watch him with care.
That helps but does not relieve me of the black thoughts :"what if he got sick while I am gone? worse yet what if he died?
on the other hand there is the need to get away.
Daughters ask "mom do you want to go with me?"I do not ask where and answer:
Yes and yes.
The conflict about wanting to get out of the house and the need to watch him all the time
is an enormous conflict even now with son being here 24/7.
It was a gorgeous ride towards Mayberry (yes that Mayberry) the mountains were gorgeous and we drove into never never land.
Gosh I hope the Scouts to be well equipped to find their way.
Grandson was moping. He wanted to see us but he also wanted to go home with us.
His Mom did not see it his way.
A few tears, a camping dinner, more tears and then finally the goodbye.
Come to think of it he never did hug me goodbye.
Ride back and getting dark so I am getting this gadget thrown into my lap and
watch a movie. Swell. Now I get to see something like 13 going on 30.
A chick flick, but it gets me home without thinking of the winding road over
40. Do not like it! The moon was full and gorgeous and looking out for us.
Came home about 11 and found out that son had ordered pizza so they did get fed!!!
B in bed snoring never remembered I had been gone.
C'est la vie !
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Goodbye to Ari
Dear Ari,
Yesterday was our day to say goodbye to you.
One by one the cars came to the old cemetary.
A green rug had been laid out and the antique box was on
a small stand.
Quite a few people came who I did not know.
Then I saw Dusty, his shoulders drooping, his eyes hidden behind sun glasses.
The Tattoo shop must have been empty, they were all there.
More sunglasses.
Chris Hudson and his wife but they stood at different ends
you know things are not working out well there.
The Edwards came and Sabrina found out that she had been working
with some of the people and even taught guitar to one of them.
Small world.
Jimmy and Nick were there too, they looked very preppy, black tops and khaki's
Nick even took a shower.
It was a little past 2 when the vans came and the wheelchairs came running down the hill
towards you.
My heart stopped for a second. My knees grew weaker and I thought this is what
Ari is all about , this is her family.
Your Mom came last and could barely walk. What a broken heart.
The testimonials flowed one after the other.
You would have been embarrassed but they were all truths.
No one had to make up bullshit for you like they often do at funerals.
The words came from our hearts , the words came flowing from our gratitude to
have known you.
Bob managed to talk and said you were his best friend.
He will need a lot of mending but he will do it.
Oscar is in Texas and I think it probably was better for him not to
have been there.
a 9 year old has a different view of it all , we would not be able to shield him from
long lasting memories.
I saw even the funeral man have a tear or two and he has seen it all.
It was all very , very touching, we all were together to say goodbye yet
we all knew that we were better people because we had known you.
Au revoir my dear but I know we will meet again in a much better place.
Love you and will always remember you as the girl with the golden heart.
A heart which was tattooed with the words that we are all here equal
and we all need love, you knew that when some of us did not.
Behave there with the angels and please do not ask for sterling wings.
Meme
Yesterday was our day to say goodbye to you.
One by one the cars came to the old cemetary.
A green rug had been laid out and the antique box was on
a small stand.
Quite a few people came who I did not know.
Then I saw Dusty, his shoulders drooping, his eyes hidden behind sun glasses.
The Tattoo shop must have been empty, they were all there.
More sunglasses.
Chris Hudson and his wife but they stood at different ends
you know things are not working out well there.
The Edwards came and Sabrina found out that she had been working
with some of the people and even taught guitar to one of them.
Small world.
Jimmy and Nick were there too, they looked very preppy, black tops and khaki's
Nick even took a shower.
It was a little past 2 when the vans came and the wheelchairs came running down the hill
towards you.
My heart stopped for a second. My knees grew weaker and I thought this is what
Ari is all about , this is her family.
Your Mom came last and could barely walk. What a broken heart.
The testimonials flowed one after the other.
You would have been embarrassed but they were all truths.
No one had to make up bullshit for you like they often do at funerals.
The words came from our hearts , the words came flowing from our gratitude to
have known you.
Bob managed to talk and said you were his best friend.
He will need a lot of mending but he will do it.
Oscar is in Texas and I think it probably was better for him not to
have been there.
a 9 year old has a different view of it all , we would not be able to shield him from
long lasting memories.
I saw even the funeral man have a tear or two and he has seen it all.
It was all very , very touching, we all were together to say goodbye yet
we all knew that we were better people because we had known you.
Au revoir my dear but I know we will meet again in a much better place.
Love you and will always remember you as the girl with the golden heart.
A heart which was tattooed with the words that we are all here equal
and we all need love, you knew that when some of us did not.
Behave there with the angels and please do not ask for sterling wings.
Meme
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The heatwave
Went to Dallas this past week end.
Flew there, picked up 3 cats and one dog , packed A's car and returned immediately on
a 1100 miles journey home.
We ate fast food so we would not leave the animals alone and found a friendly pet motel at
Howard Johnsons.
The ride on Sunday took 15 hours and we are still paying the piper.
My head is spinning from the ride.
The two Bob's alone at home had their own adventure , there was the 82 birthday
and daughter 1 came with a cake and balloon.
Old B asked her to write her name down as he was going to frame it.
He managed to overflow the sink so we needed boogie boards to navigate the kitchen
(I was told) and he never figured out that I was gone.
I worried like the mother hen I am but they did fine without me.
I for one could have used another night on the road in a motel and a bit more rest.
The animals were sweethearts.
We found homes for the cats but the old dog named "Courage" is withus.
That is now a three some of dogs and they seem to think that following me
is what they are supposed to do.
It will take some time to get used to that menagerie.
Fortunately they are all house broken.
The Corgy is the only one who wants all the food bowls for herself, all 3 of them.
I am not back at work, too tired.
Too hot!!!!!kitchen is 85 degrees
Flew there, picked up 3 cats and one dog , packed A's car and returned immediately on
a 1100 miles journey home.
We ate fast food so we would not leave the animals alone and found a friendly pet motel at
Howard Johnsons.
The ride on Sunday took 15 hours and we are still paying the piper.
My head is spinning from the ride.
The two Bob's alone at home had their own adventure , there was the 82 birthday
and daughter 1 came with a cake and balloon.
Old B asked her to write her name down as he was going to frame it.
He managed to overflow the sink so we needed boogie boards to navigate the kitchen
(I was told) and he never figured out that I was gone.
I worried like the mother hen I am but they did fine without me.
I for one could have used another night on the road in a motel and a bit more rest.
The animals were sweethearts.
We found homes for the cats but the old dog named "Courage" is withus.
That is now a three some of dogs and they seem to think that following me
is what they are supposed to do.
It will take some time to get used to that menagerie.
Fortunately they are all house broken.
The Corgy is the only one who wants all the food bowls for herself, all 3 of them.
I am not back at work, too tired.
Too hot!!!!!kitchen is 85 degrees
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The box with an A
Final stage will be June 14.
Son wants it private, will call people if they wish to come and say
a few words or just be there.
I had this antique tea caddy which is quite beautiful , inlaid with mother of pearl.
A liked boxes, I gave her quite a few and so did my son.
Somehow I could not get myself to let go last Christmas and give her the box.
It was strange as I am a giver by nature and why did I want to keep this?
When we viewed the cremation boxes we were not impressed.
Hate the thought that there is again an internment but her son wants a place
with Saint Francis on like they did with the cat. He is 9.
So the ashes will be buried in a box.
As I dug up the antique jewel my son looked at it and said:
Mom, did you see the Initial?
I had this box for about 25 years and never saw an initial before.
Never paid attention to it.
There as plain as anything was an "A".
My hair was standing up in my neck.
There was no doubt to any of us that this was to be her box.
Friend at the store lined it with white satin and made a pocket in lace and embroidery to put the bag with ashes into it.
I just could not do the lining and I was happy that someone would do it for me.
Son does not want flowers but donations to some animal site are welcome,
I am so old school I want to bring a bouquet of roses, I can't bear to see
an empty plot. My daughter said I must abide with my sons wishes.
I just do not know.
June 14 will be a sad day for a goodbye and then every day is a sad day for goodbyes,
Son wants it private, will call people if they wish to come and say
a few words or just be there.
I had this antique tea caddy which is quite beautiful , inlaid with mother of pearl.
A liked boxes, I gave her quite a few and so did my son.
Somehow I could not get myself to let go last Christmas and give her the box.
It was strange as I am a giver by nature and why did I want to keep this?
When we viewed the cremation boxes we were not impressed.
Hate the thought that there is again an internment but her son wants a place
with Saint Francis on like they did with the cat. He is 9.
So the ashes will be buried in a box.
As I dug up the antique jewel my son looked at it and said:
Mom, did you see the Initial?
I had this box for about 25 years and never saw an initial before.
Never paid attention to it.
There as plain as anything was an "A".
My hair was standing up in my neck.
There was no doubt to any of us that this was to be her box.
Friend at the store lined it with white satin and made a pocket in lace and embroidery to put the bag with ashes into it.
I just could not do the lining and I was happy that someone would do it for me.
Son does not want flowers but donations to some animal site are welcome,
I am so old school I want to bring a bouquet of roses, I can't bear to see
an empty plot. My daughter said I must abide with my sons wishes.
I just do not know.
June 14 will be a sad day for a goodbye and then every day is a sad day for goodbyes,
Going to big D
It is hot and sticky and my old house does not have a/c but the fans are
whirling like mini tornadoes in the room creating my paperwork to go flying about.
Could no sleep well and son was up all night. He has problems with the heat
and was spoiled with having air the last years.
I am leaving with S tomorrow for Dallas Texas.
We are flying from Charlotte and returning with A's car.
Not just the car, son would have left it there for whatever charity but
to my son , animals are more important than most people.
The animals had been put in a shelter and B. would have none of it.
Enter : volunteers.
S and I like to fix the world, she now is taking on my mantra and
does it more than I ever did.
So on our way we will be and bring back in one small car:
One rather large dog, pedigree non existent and 3 cats.
One cat is a prima dona and another one has had so many surgeries
with half a colon still working, she is the sweetest but messiest.
Would you like to have the motel room next to us.?
Add to this that S brought this menagerie to Texas last October.
The shelter was about to let them all go to sleep when son found them.
He is elated.
How will I feel with dog number 3?
The jury is still out.
I was that way when the Corgy came with son a few months ago
(to help me out) now I am a slave to the Corgy.
The Queen of England with her entourage of Corgy's no doubt feels the same way.
Now my question is:
If it is hot here how hot is it in Texas?
Do not answer that.
I said it before, I got rid of the dining room stuff.
Put my table along the sidewalk and within minutes a lady needed it.
Goodwill etc... come and get things when they feel like I
just make short history of it.
My dining room chairs were handcarved in oak and belonged to my
grandfather who had exchanged sugar for them in WW!
yed the first one.
Grandfather was foreman in a sugar factory in Belgium (beets)
and he wanted nice chairs hence the barter.
My mother got them when she married in 1929 and I dusted these
things for most of my 76 years.
I wrote an email to daughters : do you want 3 chairs each or I sell them.
Emails never were answered with such speed.
Yes and yes.
So now I am making the dining room in a little office/salon.
Does "SALON" not sound grand?
Well, I have enough fauteuils to fill it.
My old office will be returned to its previous owner, my son.
It will take me a few, no telling what I all stored in there since I started eBay 11 years ago.
Son put in my new Staples desk in a corner , so now I kill 2 birds with one stone,
from this vantage point I can see the kitchen and spy on old Bob and
I can see the birdfeeder and admire the bright colored friends who eat me out of
dollars and "sense".
Wish me luck with this transformation and a trip to my least favorite city "Dallas".
Why could it not have been San Francisco? Or ......................
It is what it is.
PS not happy with the Stanley cup going to Detroit either.
not happy at all
whirling like mini tornadoes in the room creating my paperwork to go flying about.
Could no sleep well and son was up all night. He has problems with the heat
and was spoiled with having air the last years.
I am leaving with S tomorrow for Dallas Texas.
We are flying from Charlotte and returning with A's car.
Not just the car, son would have left it there for whatever charity but
to my son , animals are more important than most people.
The animals had been put in a shelter and B. would have none of it.
Enter : volunteers.
S and I like to fix the world, she now is taking on my mantra and
does it more than I ever did.
So on our way we will be and bring back in one small car:
One rather large dog, pedigree non existent and 3 cats.
One cat is a prima dona and another one has had so many surgeries
with half a colon still working, she is the sweetest but messiest.
Would you like to have the motel room next to us.?
Add to this that S brought this menagerie to Texas last October.
The shelter was about to let them all go to sleep when son found them.
He is elated.
How will I feel with dog number 3?
The jury is still out.
I was that way when the Corgy came with son a few months ago
(to help me out) now I am a slave to the Corgy.
The Queen of England with her entourage of Corgy's no doubt feels the same way.
Now my question is:
If it is hot here how hot is it in Texas?
Do not answer that.
I said it before, I got rid of the dining room stuff.
Put my table along the sidewalk and within minutes a lady needed it.
Goodwill etc... come and get things when they feel like I
just make short history of it.
My dining room chairs were handcarved in oak and belonged to my
grandfather who had exchanged sugar for them in WW!
yed the first one.
Grandfather was foreman in a sugar factory in Belgium (beets)
and he wanted nice chairs hence the barter.
My mother got them when she married in 1929 and I dusted these
things for most of my 76 years.
I wrote an email to daughters : do you want 3 chairs each or I sell them.
Emails never were answered with such speed.
Yes and yes.
So now I am making the dining room in a little office/salon.
Does "SALON" not sound grand?
Well, I have enough fauteuils to fill it.
My old office will be returned to its previous owner, my son.
It will take me a few, no telling what I all stored in there since I started eBay 11 years ago.
Son put in my new Staples desk in a corner , so now I kill 2 birds with one stone,
from this vantage point I can see the kitchen and spy on old Bob and
I can see the birdfeeder and admire the bright colored friends who eat me out of
dollars and "sense".
Wish me luck with this transformation and a trip to my least favorite city "Dallas".
Why could it not have been San Francisco? Or ......................
It is what it is.
PS not happy with the Stanley cup going to Detroit either.
not happy at all
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
and life goes on,
It seems that the days blend into each other and I wake up and say:
June 3 ? where did May go?
I look at my stack of May mail, untouched.
The bank account not checked.
Probably on empty like my head.
I guess I have been in a state of a different consciousness where bills and
checks and money just do not matter.
Then it hits you "Important notice or we cancel,,,bla blah blah..............
Life must go on.
We cant mope, we have to pick up the pieces and work the puzzle of life.
It is a crazy quilt and we just added a corner with lots of lace and sterling trinkets, memories of a young woman who entered our life for a purpose.
For me she thaught me that the world is not made up with gorgeous people
all size 2 and forever young.
She thaught me that there is a large world out there with people who have mental problems, who live a whole life with an illness which does not permit them to walk,
who are cripple so their crippled hands will take 2 hours to finish a lunch but they finish it with their dignity to be able to still to that much.
People who can't do a simple task like going to the bathroom by themselves.
She showed me that mentally challenged people can fall in love, can love animals, can
crave french fries , can believe in God or believe in nothing.
She gave me an insight to a world I did not know.
Children who have Prade Willi, a disease which makes them feel hungry from the moment they wake up till it is bed time. Imagine always being hungry to the point you will eat hair,
paper etc..... I never knew this existed , not in my world.
Where had I been for 7 decades?
For sure this girl and her words will be with me forever , she made an inpact in my life.
She told me to fight this system of ours which does not see the needs of such people.
She had more compassion in her silver ring lined little pinky than most of us and yet she struggled with her own demons and could not always be helped.
The only time we had an argument was when I worked for her and used the wrong color pen, she would say : Not again, Meme, black, black , black, we only use black pens!
To this day when I use a blue pen I am thinking about that.
I guess I better stop yacking and see if I can get my numbers head on and start writing some very overdue bills, with a black pen.
June 3 ? where did May go?
I look at my stack of May mail, untouched.
The bank account not checked.
Probably on empty like my head.
I guess I have been in a state of a different consciousness where bills and
checks and money just do not matter.
Then it hits you "Important notice or we cancel,,,bla blah blah..............
Life must go on.
We cant mope, we have to pick up the pieces and work the puzzle of life.
It is a crazy quilt and we just added a corner with lots of lace and sterling trinkets, memories of a young woman who entered our life for a purpose.
For me she thaught me that the world is not made up with gorgeous people
all size 2 and forever young.
She thaught me that there is a large world out there with people who have mental problems, who live a whole life with an illness which does not permit them to walk,
who are cripple so their crippled hands will take 2 hours to finish a lunch but they finish it with their dignity to be able to still to that much.
People who can't do a simple task like going to the bathroom by themselves.
She showed me that mentally challenged people can fall in love, can love animals, can
crave french fries , can believe in God or believe in nothing.
She gave me an insight to a world I did not know.
Children who have Prade Willi, a disease which makes them feel hungry from the moment they wake up till it is bed time. Imagine always being hungry to the point you will eat hair,
paper etc..... I never knew this existed , not in my world.
Where had I been for 7 decades?
For sure this girl and her words will be with me forever , she made an inpact in my life.
She told me to fight this system of ours which does not see the needs of such people.
She had more compassion in her silver ring lined little pinky than most of us and yet she struggled with her own demons and could not always be helped.
The only time we had an argument was when I worked for her and used the wrong color pen, she would say : Not again, Meme, black, black , black, we only use black pens!
To this day when I use a blue pen I am thinking about that.
I guess I better stop yacking and see if I can get my numbers head on and start writing some very overdue bills, with a black pen.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The machine goes on..............
Yes, I am beginning to feel like a machine.
I no longer can fix everything even so I once thought so.
I can't change anything for my son who now can't face the title "widower"
at age 35.
We have yet to have the memorial and I am beginning to be unraveled.
I honestly do not know where I get it to get up in the morning and go to
work and or start the household chores.
Old Bob 's behavior for the moment is in the background that does not mean
that I am so po'd at him that he cut all the branches on my grapevine.
They had grapes for the first time!
And I was beaming.
He broke his housekey in the car lock yesterday.
We are now covering the car which cost 20.00 and I wonder why we did
not think of that before. (the cover)
Will he peak under the cover?
My house is topsy turvy with stuff coming in from my son's life.
I am trying to give him back his old room.
So sorting out what I no longer need and figuring out that I too became a packrat.
I do everything on automation
Son said that even when I garden I do it with so much tension , I should enjoy the gardening, he tells me and yet when he watches me I am like a machine, must do now, must finish by 5, must water now.
Son is not doing well at all. He keeps everything inside and shows this strong front which leaks with anger.
If I do not learn to "take it easy" (hate these words) I am going to be in trouble.
BP is up way up for both son and I while old B has a normal BP.
Of course he does not know what goes on , not any of it.
I no longer can fix everything even so I once thought so.
I can't change anything for my son who now can't face the title "widower"
at age 35.
We have yet to have the memorial and I am beginning to be unraveled.
I honestly do not know where I get it to get up in the morning and go to
work and or start the household chores.
Old Bob 's behavior for the moment is in the background that does not mean
that I am so po'd at him that he cut all the branches on my grapevine.
They had grapes for the first time!
And I was beaming.
He broke his housekey in the car lock yesterday.
We are now covering the car which cost 20.00 and I wonder why we did
not think of that before. (the cover)
Will he peak under the cover?
My house is topsy turvy with stuff coming in from my son's life.
I am trying to give him back his old room.
So sorting out what I no longer need and figuring out that I too became a packrat.
I do everything on automation
Son said that even when I garden I do it with so much tension , I should enjoy the gardening, he tells me and yet when he watches me I am like a machine, must do now, must finish by 5, must water now.
Son is not doing well at all. He keeps everything inside and shows this strong front which leaks with anger.
If I do not learn to "take it easy" (hate these words) I am going to be in trouble.
BP is up way up for both son and I while old B has a normal BP.
Of course he does not know what goes on , not any of it.
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