World Cup relief.

For about 90 minutes I forget the world and check out the little figures in the giant field           of soccer.
I did not remember how much I had enjoyed this in my youth.
We followed the club at work, all volunteers who were older for the most part and just did not run or kick that well. Most of the time we got clabbered.
Mom who worked in bookkeeping took charge of busses to go to and fro.
We called "amicale". Friendship.
I was a puppy , the youngest on staff as a phone operator and some extra typing.
I loved the trips, since mom sat up front to direct driver and anyone in her site I would scamper to the back where the loud ones were and I enjoyed the merriment and growing up around men for a change.
Old Bob did not like sports, he was an artist above all else. Loved walking and just look at the trees, leaves, flowers, and anything that was nature.
Hated violence of any kind and he found there was too much violence in sports.
Now being alone I suddenly returned to my love of the soccer sport.
I called it football, of course.
THE USA has become better and better at it. Proof is in the pudding, even 2 goals were stolen from us, so far, in the cup by "blind" refs, even so we go on to the next level and I shall have my front row seat in the living room with earphones on not missing a beat, I hope.

World cup

I still call it football, youth memories are sometimes hard to forget.
I was an avid fan of the Gantoise, the football club par excellence (I thought so) in my gorgeous Gent, Belgium.

Oh that was 6 decades ago , when I could still jump up and down when we made a goal.
When we loved to hate the Brits (they were so good at it ) but most of all they would come across the channel on international games and trash the trains, bars and restaurants. They were nicknamed "The hooligans".
Some of us (like frightened girls) did not want to be near them so we did not try and go to international matches.
I for sure did not go looking for trouble because I knew that then at home more BIG trouble would await me.

So why do I all of a sudden become involved with the world cup?
I am not sure but I had the best time yesterday to watch England~USA.
The fact that we were "given" a goal by clumsy Greene should not diminish the great work on the field by the Americans. I was surprised. The goalie was like a Superman, jumped high and low, continued to work with a broken rib and a pain shot at half time.
America is becoming aware BIG TIME of a sport we call soccer.

I was so surprised to find the joy in watching. Did I watch other Cup's before this? No! Why not?I asked myself and then the answer came.
Bob was not interested.
Did I become so much a part of him?
We just blended like a very tightly woven rope.
BUT????did I give up totally to fit in the blend???
Now that I am riding solo in this new road of mine do I find myself again?
Is this good or bad?
I have not a clue anymore as I am not sure who I am at this point.
Meanwhile I am watching the clock I do want to see Germany's game at 2.30.
Don't guess who I am rooting for.

Before "BoB" I thought I was an artist, albeit a poor one, I thought I was very creative. Over the shower I painted a mama elephant showering her baby.
The girls were small did not know good from bad, they adored it.
Running a Bazar with the Episcopalians (yes, I was that too for awhile) I did all the art work.
The old ladies adored me for it.
then came Bob who giggled himself silly over the elephants and my artistic
vein dried up. I truly in my soul thought I was no longer artistic, perhaps in the kitchen as I can cook and he made soup you ate with a knife. I stood my ground there.

I remind you that I had a wonderful marriage. No question. He treated me like a queen until he lost his mind.
Do I have regrets of the loss of "self", no cause I did not know it and now I am finding , very slowly, the young girl and woman from the past.
Not that bad, leave me be I need to see soccer...oh pardonnez moi , football

Fall again? Yup

Walking Bijou in the yard, tripped on whatever , fell flat on my face, well mostly on my left knee (now bleeding) and right hand.
Could not get up as I did not have my cane (foolish me) and can't put the weight on the ankle yet for that job.
So I sat on the pebbled drive way hoping that Bobby will miss me anytime now.
The mosquitoes are out, they had a feast, new fresh blood, they did not even have to dig.
Bijou decided to sit on my lap but soon started to bark at nothing...that got son wondering and the rescue was at hand.
I got my usual lecture, do not go out without a cane. Watch were you are walking.
The ankle was inspected and I am OK,
he washed my knee and put on band aids and all is fine.
I am just a klutz.

Doctors or vultures?

It just amazes me that in a rest home when one is in the final stages of Alzheimer, that all the drs come out of the woodwork to FIX things.

This week it is the hearing.
You know what he would do with hearing aids? You know how hard it would be for him to even hear at this point?
Do you understand Alzheimer patients? They do not want change, they do not want commotion. They want to plug along at the pace they are in for the moment.
They do not remember what it was to hear everything, they do not want the glasses anymore (Bob threw his away ages ago), they most certainly do not want false teeth at this time.
They no longer comprehend!!!!
They no longer care!!!!
Doctors, please know that and if you dont know that you are very ignorant.
If you do know that then you are out to milk Medicare and your fellow Americans.
Do not touch my husband, I mean it.
Do not send me bills like you did this week for tests not covered by Medicare which we did not order either.
For shame.
Understand what an Alzheimer/dementia patient needs are.
Someone to feed them, someone to keep them clean, someone to watch that they do not wander.
Besides that they do not like changes not commotion.
They do not need to hear or see a world they no longer understand, if the teeth are bad feed them baby food, flan, rice pudding, Ensure, milk shakes.
Hug them when you can.
and for heavens sake do not send a psychiatrist like a friend of mine had to pay for.
Keep all the Drs. out of that rest home and give me some caring loving nurses, that is the need for my husband.

Bullying

Finally some response on the Facebook bullying for grandson. Some one has promised us that it is being taken care off and that we should not worry.


Hope he is right.

No pain BUT

I found the secret to not having pain with my ankle.
I sit all day with the leg up and then hardly any swelling and no pain.
Is that what everyone was telling me when they said "take it easy, slow down"?
OK for how long can I just sit , house is going to fall apart on top of me not counting everything outside that is growing double!!!

84 years

Yesterday he was 84.
The Gemini did , of course, not remember that.
The girls and I went with sheet cake to the home and had a bit of a private party in a nice cozy room.
When I spotted him he had his head down, nurse told him to look up but he did n't. I lifted his face to kiss him and
he looked like it was too much trouble to look up. His back is bent lower and lower with every visit.
He did enjoy a piece of cake and a banana. I rejoiced, at least this much in his stomach. They now feed him alone in his room, he does not like dining room distractions.
I could not stop crying.
This was the fist birthday away from home. We always had a celebration of some sort and he always like birthdays and Christmas.
All thoughts of how much work and
problems existed when he was home just fly away when I see him.
I just want to pick him up and bring him home. It is not to be.
I have to admit that I can't do that any more. Heck I have problems standing upright with this slow healing ankle.
He is still my best buddy but he does not know it.

Bad week 2

Last week was great for getting hot under the collar with our school systems and the law.
Grandson is 14, he is 6 feet 2 and heavy set. He has had bullies since middle school. This past week he had someone start a fight by hitting on the head with a bottle. He had "enough" so he punched him. Well, even so h did not start the fight that started an ugly ball rolling for both parties.
No longer do w say "boys will be boys".
Fine, thought this was over with when a face shows up on his facebook site.
The face of another 14 year old holding a cocked gun towards the camera with a threat: If you do that again I will kill you.
Something in that vein.
He also had photos of a bunch of riffles and guns and a Confederate flag.
I am sure the weapons belong to his father but to see this on the site was alarming.
It took almost a week before it was taken off the Facebook.
Reports were made to the school principal, the police, the magistrate.
At this point we have been told that it is in the "right hands".
W can only hope.
Grandson who is in advanced math/algebra studies had tests this week and could hardly concentrate.
We can't say again "boys will be boys", we now had Virgina Tech, Columbine, a girl committing suicide over bullies and so on.
No doubt the boy needs help , he was not involved in the original argument and is not even a friend of either my grandson nor the other kid.
The police tell us that it is not a threat if you have a condition first....like if you do that I will do that.
So that makes it ok then????
OK to point a photo with a gun aimed for you to see this as aimed at your face?
Frightened? maybe not but concerned ?
hell , yes. I am.

Bad week

This blog started out mainly for coping with Alzheimer in the family.
That now very familiar title given by the Dr. who found this sort of dementia and it now present in a great deal of families.
The blog was my salvation, mental salvation at a time of great despair.
I had several years of the decline of my best friend , partner, husband , under my belt but my deterioration was slow like his decline and kept creeping in further and further into several mini break downs.
The crying was constant.
I did not ever say why me? or why us?
but I constantly was trying to stop it.
Slow it down. Put my head in the sand at times and figure that I was just exaggerating his behavior.
I tried to avoid giving up the driving because it would be extremely upsetting to him but it would be even worse for me (if I was going to be honest).
I do not drive and so my wings too were going to be cut.
So I started to wonder how to overcome all the emotions, anger, guilt, exhaustion, sorrow, helplessness, loneliness.
There were thousands of "what if"s"
Legal and financial matters became my problem completely and they did not frighten me as much as I was used to take over that part but the future now ~that no longer were there paintings to be finished or restoration to be acquired,~ that part looked very grim.

The ones closest to me who knew I could not afford counseling advised me to write a blog and so I started.

It was a salvation of sorts. It helped ,that and my dose of Lexapro, took off the edge of the despair.

Now we are at the end of the blog?
Now that Bob is in a nursing home is it all finished?
Not at all.
In the last 3 months we have learned tons of the red tape.
It still amazes me that people are so
ill prepared when they KNOW there is a problem.
Talked to someone this week end, my age, husband has been diagnosed with memory loss due to hardening of the veins in the brain.
Dr said : it may go slow and it may go fast.
I said: Of course you have ready:
Your will.
Your power of attorney with someone you trust to handle the finances and the medical situations which may come up.
Have you considered if you want to
be resuscitated or kept on tubes?
What about him and you?
All papers in order?
He is a professional retired navy, did you talk to a social worker at the VA yet? For a professional soldier there is room at the inn if he becomes unable to stay at home. For Bob that option does not exist even if he is a Vet. he was not a professional soldier.
Do you know , I told my friend, that he is able to get a pension.
If he was 90 days in the service during a war, even stationed stateside, even if he never fired a shot, he is eligible and so is the spouse. It is according to your income today,
My friend was flabbergasted.
She had NOTHING in order, not even a will and they own 2 houses!
So right now I get on my soap box and tell all to be ready.
If daughter had not the power of attorney in her hot little hands the day I broke my ankle and she had to hunt for a place for her dad , she would have had problems on hand.
The paperwork for Medicare, for admitting, for survival orders etc...are never ending when you are least able to cope.
I was alert up to a point. After any surgery you are not running on all motors like before. You are somewhat in a daze. I let daughter handle everything and she had the knowledge and the authority to do so.
We did all this 5 years ago when Bob was still able to sign his own papers and had a vague idea what was going on.
I even forgot where I had the papers but what a nice surprise to remember them when we needed them.

Memorial day

I have some catching up to do.
Most of you know my affection for the WW2 vets.
They were a welcome sight in my youth in the Flanders. They were a welcome sight for my grandparents and mother in WW1.
How could I ever forget ????
I try to tell the stories to the young who are willing to listen and not roll their eyes in boredom.
So I did with my grandson Peter and his friend, they wanted to know more and more. We went to the old cemetery and put little flags on the Veterans graves.
Soon the boys were reading names and dates and went looking for others.

It started to sink in.

festivals !!!!

Have not been to a festival in a long time. This week end is a double!
Flowers in Hville and White Squirrels in Brevard.
Peter and friend plus Mama will take Meme to both of them.
Life is good, indeed.

Chiropractor

A visit to the chiropractor gave me a lot of relief yesterday. Swelling was down 50 %. No pain when going to sleep, no medicine needed.

I found someone who goes often to the same office and will take me along once or twice a week. I think I will do that and see if we can speed up the healing and being steady on my feet.
Yeah Yeah Yeah

I love you

Today when we visited Bob he was a bit more with it. When we left he said :
I love you!

I pretended that he knew who I was and left with a smile.

The rest home

Visited Bob alone, friends dropped me off. Here is the short version:
Bob sitting in a chair in the hall. Head down. Probably taking a nap. Next to him a woman about 60 years old with a mean look in the eyes, she is in a wheelchair. She is clapping her hands in a rhythm twice, then three times, back to twice. She stares at him. Then she starts to yell at him. He does not budge.I touch him gently not to startle him. He looks at me smiles, ignores the yelling like she is not there. She has pale blue eyes and they look mean and disturbed, her hair is neatly combed.  She yells louder and louder, I get a few words "you do not give a damn" .......another woman comes out of her room , she is almost bald, the bleach blond hair is still flowing on the back of her head. She is paper thin, she is very neat in white slacks and a red blouse, she also is very coherent (a rarity on this floor) she starts yelling back at the accuser.
"You stop swearing at this man, I will have none of it, you swear and I do not like that"
She turns to me and asks if I belong to "him". I answer meekly :He is my husband.
Then she really gets mad because by now the fighter is grabbing Bob's sleeve.
"You leave her husband alone, you are swearing at him, do not touch him"
With that she turns the wheel chair around pushes the noise at full speed down the hall.
Bob did not even see any of it.
He just sits, I gave him a banana and he starts to eat and shows me I should have half. He always did that, he always shared. I tell him he has to eat it all and I wait till it is gone.
It is very quiet now. The rescuing lady comes back and I say "Thank you" she smiles and goes back in her room.
It is so depressing, it is frightening, we think that this too can happen to me.
The thought is very scary. But then I evaluate what just happened to Bob. He just did not pay attention to any of it, he is in another world.
I kiss him goodbye and he waves, I can go he has no objections.
I meet the mean one in the other hallway she is yelling at someone else now.  She has a lot of people like Bob who do not care, me? she scares me.

Painting and hurting

Rhonda started it all with painting the office wall, she has done this as a profession, she is fussy, she takes time.
She fills the cracks on the paneling so you do not know it is paneling under there. I would slap the paint on top!
I am faster, I am also sloppier.

BUT, now that I have open cans of paints around me I am also painting whatever I want to. Old Bob would have protested on some of my wild colors. Old Bob was conservative. I am partly hippy, bohemian, daredevil. Since the house is on the historical (read histerical) roster I can't change the color outside. BUT inside I can now go wild. I am transplanting the Caribean into my office, I need color, warm color.That is my mood now.
No matter that I live in the Blue Ridge Mountain region.
Outside I have been painting whatever planter needed royal blue, turquoise, etc...I have to do it in the morning, the afternoon and evening the ankle is so swollen that I need to sit with the leg up high !!!!The pain is worse now then when I had a cast on! Go figure, I am reading that a lot of "stuff" in there needs healing, tendons, muscle, veins, ligaments, whatever holds my foot together it is healing with some fight.
I am not truly complaining that much, I am lucky I can walk, but I am too much in "doing" and get frustrated. I have time for all this, it will all wait but I am not the waiting type and that I have to learn.
Sabrina coming tomorrow, I am looking forward to seeing Bob and I can ride the electric chair in the store to do my shopping. Sabrina can park in front of the store. Perks to this, I guess, but I can do without them too.

Ari

Ari, tomorrow is an anniversary to remember, two years since you left us.
I still see you sitting on the porch with me and hugging me.
I still miss you a lot. Your son looks like you and his skin has that same glow as yours did. He is a nice kid.
He is so polite and I love it when he is visiting us.
Girl, you taught me so very much, you were a diamond in the rough but you were the best advocate for the ones who no longer could stand up for themselves. I had not seen so much devotion before I met you. I did not know people like you existed. Your work was not your work, it was the passion you had to help others in need so you did it with joy and determination.
You were so young and such a role model for the rest of us.
I so wish you were here to talk to me but then you always will be with us.

May 17 2010

So 3 of my Sunday eve shows are finished for th summer. Bummer.
I am addicted to them so now what.
Soon Idol will be over too.

Had a good day yesterday but overdid it and too much pain in the evening, i just do not know when to stop.

We are having bouts of a bit of rain and thunder, I have to watch the dogs they get so frightened that they try and stay within inches of my legs. Do not want to trip!!!!

Young Bob is having bad days. I so wish I could have a magic wand and help him.

Sunday May 16 2010

I get up and walk like I am 20.
By noon I walk with a cane like I am 90
By evening there is too much pain to walk unless I Aleve it. BUT I have to learn patience and soon I will walk into town and visit too many stores.

Bob doing well at Golden Living and life is getting better and better, the sun is out and I planted 6 flowers now to the couch and leg up!!!!

Graduation day

I am not a big fan of graduations, for sure it is a hassle when you can't hear what they are saying 1/2 mile away and every one is clapping.
I did owe it to the girl who worked very hard for her chemistry diploma cum laude and will probably become a permanent part of our family.
She and my grandson are an item, have been for some time, probably will never marry but have a great devotion for each other and give each other a lot of space and freedom. She is bound for Africa to work on some project and he is bound for I can't even remember where.
I know Istanbul is in there somewhere ....we are to have a vacation together in July in Destin. Should be interesting.
Wild to think I have the freedom now to go some places if invited. This is a big invitation for me as I LOVE Destin.

Anyway, I people watched while the talking went on and on .....hope these professors are not that long winded in classes.  Asheville is a "new town" so to speak, a lot of young people , a lot of artists. So all style of clothing was to be observed. I went very casual , daughter very dressy, I did not give a hoot. I was there was n't I? I got up extremely early to be there too. Not my style anymore, I am a sleep in late baby these days.
Once home Rhonda continued the project of painting my office , she is a perfectionist , hope we are done by Xmas.
I am content.