Christmas eve 2010

Every Christmas we wondered if dad would still be here.
Last year he had problems with the crowd but sat in his
chair and looked confused.
I think we no longer said "will he be here next year".

He is gone.
Last year we did not expect that I would break my ankle and that he would land in a nursing home.....

I miss him so much.
I canceled all celebrations because I can't be false and sit and be merry when
the tears are always right there at the door waiting to fall unto the cheeks.
Hate it.
I do not want to be a drama queen.
I do not want to spoil it for others and yet I did.
I feel I need quiet and lots of sleep.

Wherever you are, Mr Christmas nut , come and ``tell me it will be ok.

I love you and miss you.
This is a horrible evening,

I am hibernating, the derriere is bigger and the nights longer

I got up at noon.
Noon? I said to myself.
So what?
Who cares?
What difference does it make?

Had a nice visit with daughter Rhonda last night.
Perhaps we can get peace in the K clan again.
Let the holidays pass...let the madness go away.

I saw the young shiny faces at my grandson's concert beaming as they sang:
Joy to the world....
I pondered over these words and thought what nations are enjoying "JOY" what nations are having Peace? How many are fighting because of religious beliefs?
How many are dying for their belief.
Soldiers, innocent children, suicide bombers, old people, young people...
it does not end.

Of course I know I am being told that I am in a depression because I lost a dear one. OK , I will go along with that but then I also seem to feel for others at a
different level ...always , always there are people who at the end of the year take stock of how many are missing at the table. How many no longer answer a telephone call. We all have to go sometime but war of any kind is disgusting to me.

I know a couple of people with sons in Afghanistan.
One is a waitress and we we enter the restaurant I am afraid to see her face with tears. She worries, a lot. Another Mom has her son over there for the 4th time.
She wonders how many times he can dodge a bullet, an explosion.

Life goes on and who is the winner?
Is there ever a winner?
Should there be a winner?

I better go back to bed this is getting to me.

when..........

will the sleeping and the crying stop?

Saturday and what fun next? Sleeping

I can't believe it.
I went to bed after the Madrigal, about 10.30
I woke up the next morning at 12.30 PM, lets say it was afternoon.
By the time I did a few things I was having breakfast at 3.30
and my day was shot.
I keep hearing my Mother's voice that if you sleep then you need it.
why do I need this much sleep????

Frustrated, I am.
that is a lot of time lost.

The Good Friday

Yesterday I had a great lunch with friends L and C and after that Sabrina picked me up to go to the Madrigal put on by the Brevard High School.
I took a nap before we left (just to remind myself here how much I sleep)
the Madrigal was a hoot. First of all since I know fabrics and hunted the best for 13 years while making the Father Christmas dolls ,I was surprised at the quality of the costumes. The best brocades , velvets and laces, and the kids walked gently in them so I doubt many repairs are needed after the show. I loved it. The designer is a retired costume maker from Disneyland. She knows her stuff.
The meal prepared by a retired chef who went to the Cordon Bleu school in Paris.
Brevard is lucky to have talented retirees and they are willing to work some more.

The singing was great, the chorus once again in top shape. Several soloist showed their best voices and we were impressed.
The end of the meal with pudding, of course.
The Jester inviting 6 fathers in the audience.'
Frank was one of them. A game insued and the jester told the guys what to say and what gestures to do.....I am a gentleman and went to Paris and bought blah blah blah...with every purchase came a gesture. It was silly funny to see grown man waving arms and pending knees on commands while yelling "Cuckoo, Cuckoo".
Frank was in full swing and did us honor.....
The audience was in stitches and we all went home with a smile on our face.
I was glad I saw it and glad that I had a great laugh, in fact the best I had in a very , very, long time.

Tomorrow Madrigal

Never been to one of them there parties.
Presented in a church by the High School students.
Zack is in it.
I hear it is a hoot.
I can use "hoot".
It will only rain tomorrow so we are OK then.
Also as I write the black ice is melting and it will be
a ok by 3.pm
Could not get onto the steps this morning
do not want another fall.

Surprise, Christmas gift I did not ask for but will enjoy a lot

I said NO Christmas gifts, we are all very tight with money this year.
All agreed.
Then Bobby shows up with a new TV for my bedroom-NOT a Christmas present
?????
Then shows up a year of The New Yorker.
Love that magazine.....
I was reading till 1 30 last night , in bed......
the articles are all so varied but so well written.
So I read about a Russian millionaire in jail being mistreated ..it went on to some mock Santa Claus stories....onto Some statues of one artist, still alive, who are being stolen in several different houses across the USA and in London. Statues are heavy and sitting next to very collectable stuff but the thief takes only one item.Artist has a stalker for her works.....then I fell asleep
but I like the New Yorker lay out , got the idea at Lee's house, wanted to steal all her back issues but she thinks I am honorable so I did n't.
Sabrina heard me and ordered for my non christmas present.
Love those kids.

10 days before Christmas

I am in a tizzy.
I want to forget Christmas and New Year.
I just want it to go away.
Are Jewish people so used to the decorations, songs, bombardments of gift giving, churches with different Gods and still same Jesus born, are they
wondering when it will be Dec 26th and the "white Sales" will start at Macy's?

I know I am so fed up with all my shows being replaced with White Christmas songs
and not being able to walk my dog on that same icy white drive way in fear of
breaking another ankle.

I am missing old Bob like crazy.
He was the Christmas glue to all the stuff being hung while I
loved creating a menu.
This year I am numb, I hurt, I ache, I am physically not doing well.
My children are having problems.
When mother ain't happy...you know the rest.
No one wants mother to hurt but no one has the aspirin for morning.
Every one has their own pain in the loss and everyone deals with it in
a different manner. That is how it should be.

I have no answers right now to anything.
Overwhelmed by "things" I should sort, clean, put together.

I would prefer to be alone as no one likes a whiner and that is what I am
right now. If I did not have psoriasis to content with I would probably
start drinking alcohol. My flare up is so huge right now my whole scalp is red
with the psoriasis, the whole friggin scalp.
Not to mention that I have now a red back too covers most of my back.
So wine is out, tomatoes out, but I am still doing my potato route so what the
heck.

If you read this and want good cheer go to the next blogger they probably have 100 photos of the new baby...

Repeat: My Best Christmas EVER, has been p8ublished several times

Christmas Eve 1944
Gent, Belgium

I am 12, mother is 34. She is recovering from a major surgery and a husband who has left her for another woman just a few months ago.

We are finally liberated , we in the north welcomed the allies in September.
In the Southern part, in the gorgeous mountains, hills and forest another battle is in full swing. It becomes to be known as the Battle of the Bulge.
Our gorgeous Ardennes are being mutilated. Worse hundreds of lives if not thousands on all sides of this horrific war are falling in the fresh wet snow.

Mom and I are not aware of this battle, we hear very little of what is going on outside our newly freed Provinces.
We are alone in our very cold house, windows broken covered with lumber,
water rats moved in what used to be our bedrooms.
The roof is shattered in many places from the bombing and air raids.
The wood/coal stove only produces so much heat as we huddle around it
covered in blankets.

Mother is lonely; she is sad, alone for this Christmas for the first time since
her marriages of 16 years. She is still feeling ill. War had not made her
skinny, she is a full fleshed Flemish woman like you see in Rubens renditions.
She lived on potatoes and onion gravy; we are yet to see some meat coming
in our tables but for the grace of the few Americans who are helping us.

So this brave lady who was together with her little family in grave danger all
through the war is now struggling with a new reality. She had been the radio
communicator with the Brits in her bedroom. She was fluent in the language,
thanks to a good education and was my father’s right hand in the underground fight
of what we called “the white brigade”.
She had welcomed the soldiers who parachuted in the night and gave them
clothing and food for the next stop. She had sent her only child to school when
she was wondering if a new air raid would come today, eliminating the factory
and the village. She never knew what the day would bring.

That first Christmas eve when all around us was changed and yet nothing
had changed at all. We were still seeing planes come and go over our heads and
we still saw the air battles, we did not know for sure how far the Germans were and would
they return? In our hearts however we felt that all was going to be fine.
We had hope for the first time in what seemed eternity.
With this in mind Mother decided we should spent Christmas Eve at her sister’s house in town. That was 9 km away (almost 6 miles).
The excitement got a hold of both of us and with enormous energy and good cheer we left the old stove to warm up the rats and started our journey along the
cold waters of the Canal of Terneuzen.

We had walked this foot path for years, I think we knew where there would be a dip in the dirt and mud under the fresh snow, we knew where a large stone would stick out and how to avoid falling in that narrow strip next to the canal.
Next to it was the bicycle path but that worse in need of filling the larger holes.
Even in the dark night we knew our way.
I can still see the cold fog over the water, piercing cold in our bones.
My shoes too tight. I was always growing too fast and my feet were the
first to show the signs.

We started to sing , she could sing , I could barely keep a tune.
But we sang with our vocal chords in full orchestra mode and in the silence
we go from “the Yankees are coming” to “Belle nuit de Noel” and “Petit Papa Noel “.

Along the canal there was only industry, we lived in a lonely little house about 100 yards from an electrical plant. Most plants at this point where not working, almost all had been bombed. The silence along the water was eerie, as the little bit of snow would fall intermittently. Now and then an army truck would drive by on the road and soldiers would yell “Merry Christmas”, some had other messages too.
First time we both heard F word, mother honestly had never heard that one at the
convent where she had studied. She was very puzzled, what did it all mean?
Very few Belgians had cars at that point, perhaps a few doctors.
Only army was on the road, day in and day out.
We were used to that but these camouflaged tanks were a much loved sight.

By the time we reached the blown up bridge of Meulestede we crossed the canal on a makeshift bridge and started to walk between the streets lined with houses.
Here and there one could see lights and the cozy interior of people celebrating.
Mother stopped and told me to look and listen with my heart at the sights and sounds.
“You know Jeannot , she whispered, this is what is called “freedom”.
You see we are finally allowed on the street at night, we are finally allowed to have lights coming out from the houses, that means this is our first Christmas
in many years of total freedom. “
“Freedom means we can now just walk to Tante while watching the stars and
singing, we can peak in the windows and see people with bright lights shining on their faces. Jeannot, never forget this moment”.

I did n’t, I can still see it, I can still smell it, I can feel it in my heart.


Mother was disappointed that we could not get to a midnight mass on our way
but all the churches were still closed. Perhaps no one had wanted to come out
or perhaps the new army had told them to cool it for awhile, I do not know but we passed several churches and no service.

I started to slow down and she found a way of making me go a little faster.
Where she saw light in the houses she rang the doorbell and started to run away.
I had no choice but to run after her and hide around the next corner.
That way we got to my Tante in a jiffy.



I can see the gate at my Tantes house and lights turning on for the
night visitors. No phone to tell them we were coming but the welcome
was heartwarming.

My cousins came out of bed to hug us and I could crawl in bed next to them
tell them about my adventure of the night. No rats here, no damage to their house, they were blessed. I was in heaven close to giggling bodies and it is Christmas.

I do not remember one present given that Christmas, I doubt that we had any
at all but I am still feeling the joy of that night.
The songs come back to me. Belle Nuit.....Petit enfant Jesus.....
Au clair de la lune mon ami Pierot. ................................

Merry Christmas Mom, Tante, wherever you are.
Goeden nacht, zalige nacht.

2000-2010 in the world

Not in the right order but remember:
Bush versus Gore
Papal transition
U S Invasion of Iraq
Bush: Mission accomplished
Florida Hurricanes
Hurricane Katrina
London Bombings
Beltway sniper
Mudslides in the Philippines
Obama runs for President
Obama wins
Global financial crisis
Sarah Palin
Hillary Clinton runs for President
Lance Armstrong wins 7th tour de France
Amthrax
Sept 11
disaster in Darfur
Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme
Illegal immigration debate
Home Land Security
Died: The Concorde
MIR space station
The Oldsmobile
Telegrams
Kodachrome
Anheuser Busch
Lehman Brothers
started : The tea party

born: Wikipedia
Ipod
The Euro
Crocs
faceboo
You tube
G-20 summits
worth watching : China invested 1.6 billion dollars in Africa in 2000
China has invested 17 billion in Africa by 2009

wow: The defense budget in 2001 was 316 Billion
(13 billion to Afghanistan)
The defense budget in 2010 is 693 billion
(102 billion to Afghanistan and 61 billion to Iraq)

What was said : Bill gates in 2004: "Tw
o years from now , spam will be solved!"

OK enough information for my file.
No I am not that smart, nor a journalist.
I stole all that from TIME magazine.

2000-2010

A decade has gone by and what happened during the 10 long years.
For sure this past decade was the hardest of my life.
The diagnosis had been delivered but I was still living with hope that perhaps it was a mistake so decided to be in Canada when the clock struck "2000".
We were on a tour way up north, a train ride tour in snow country and a celebration for New Year eve in Canada. We did not buy into the horror stories of the change into the new century. We were going to have a ball.
Bob got lost in the motel, then he took twice the wrong suitcase and started a fight about it with the owner. We stopped at an aviation museum and the enormous hangars frightened him. He ran outside.
In the train I saw a couple and he was clearly out of it, I saw her go with him to the small rest room and I thought "is this an Alzheimer patient?" and what is she doing on the train with him. Clearly she came for her own enjoyment and some extra work. I pondered over that during the whole vacation, would I go on a trip with Bob in that condition?
2003 We went back to our old favorite place, Spain. We went with friend Allen.
I had reinforcement and Bob was still alert to know where we were going and what we would do on the trip.So I thought. He got lost in the men's room in the airport. two exits were there and I did not count on that. I sent a man inside to find Bob, he was gone.
We found him in the other corridor.
Small stuff but scary.
By 2007 we entered a worse stage, a meaner one, and extremely demanding on my vigil and patience. Son moved in when he lost his wife but that upset old Bob.
He did not want another man in the house. He did not know his own son anymore.
It tore at the heart strings of my son. Yelling at each other was an often unwanted scene. Old Bob hid everything in sight and accused us of stealing.
The last year in that decade I fell and broke my ankle forcing him into a nursing home and me in rehab. He was there 6 months to the day and left us for good.
It was a very unhappy decade.

OK so The Canadians are sending us more cold weather

Supposed to be very cold this week end and into next week.
Showers or snow expected too.
I am getting the vapors thinking of the heating bill.
I am no longer walking my dog on the street.
If I fall again I am a very cold duck.
I keep him in the yard now and he is going on strike.

Doing great the last week, I am actually excited I do not have to do
anything for the holidays. No stress.
Why did I not think of that last year when Bob was still with us and
I just wanted to do it for him, I think he did not know what it all
was about and he hated all the family here on Christmas eve.
In fact I think it was all for us to have him here and to be able to
hug him and fuss over him. It was all for us, not for him.

The Direct TV box is burned out...............

that is for Bob's TV, so there is an unhappy camper in our house.
He falls asleep (badly) with the TV on.
I offered with a grand gesture that he can come into my room and watch
my NEW TV.
He does not like Grey's Anatomy. Shucks.
I do not like some of his shows....
age difference would you say?
Yeah try like 40 years.............
technically he is taking care of a grandmother.

c'est la vie

Even a could be King gets in hot water sometimes......

One has to wonder why Prince Charles and wife, what's her name? Camila? go out dressed to the nines when there has been notice posted of a demonstration by students. Why go out? Their car was hit by a can of paint and a window cracked.
Both looked shocked and frightened. I am guessing that is not the norm of their trips into the city.

Stay Home guys, there is trouble out there at night.
Old folks are better off staying inside.
There is always the telly or card playing with dear old Mum.

People have different reactions to one of my blogs....

A few days ago I posted a blog about aging.
It was just me making fun of myself.
I thought it was funny.
Reactions were from the young: This was so sad......
From my peers: this is not everyone's experience, my face is hardly wrinkled at all.....
From the middle of the road : Wow , you made me laugh all day when I thought of it.

Relax people, if you have a chance to become old, lucky for you-I think, but most of all changes will happen that is a given, try and laugh about it if you can.

I am perfectly fine with who I am.
Do I have a choice about the wrinkles? No.
Do I have a choice that I can't get up on my old knees? No. I do not want new ones at this point.
Can I stop the clock in any way? No.
I am lucky that I remember so much and that I can still do my bookkeeping and use my eyes and my hands. I am very lucky I can walk today without side effects from my fall. I am lucky that I lived longer then Bob, he would not have been able to
be a widower, he was not that strong.
So it is not all bad, not all sad.

Like they say it is not for sissies.

could not help myself , stole this one from Facebook:

Jasmine
was in forbidden relationship with Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with
7 male dwafts. Pinnochio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan
walked without clothes on. A stranger kissed sleeping beauty and she
...married him. Cinderella lied and sneaked out at night to attend a party.
These are the stories our parents raised us with, and then they
complain our generation is messed up.

on AGING .............the good and the bad.............

My opinion only so do not get excited.
I am 78 3/4 and next year will be my last 7... then I am thinking that no way, just no way will I get an 8....we shall see.
Reason I am fighting this is because I just KNOW that I am somewhere between 40 and 50. No way that I am 3 decades older.
My brain is almost always on target so why should it lie to me now.
But then there is the mirror.
That mirror of mine (in the bathroom) is especially gentle because it is a soft light. Why then does it punish me with this stranger looking at me.
An old stranger on top of it.
This stranger often has hairs on her chin, the likes of when I was horrified in my teens to see them on my Bonma's chin. I figured then that this would never happen to me because Bonma also was addicted to snuff and that made her nostrils very wide.
So I was safe, I would not use snuff and I would have a tiny nose and no hair on the chin.
Think again smart ass. The nose is not tiny and I need it sometimes to use the breathing junk for asthma, the hairs are multiplying every day, soon I will be having a beard. Come to think of it this morning my hair was all over the place and I laughed at the image, I looked like Mark Twain, so help me I did.
So I should work on a moustache.
The good thing about hair is that I no longer have to shave my legs. That is great for I always would be bleeding and I hated the smell of Nair.
I once had tons of hair on top of the head, even 4 years ago I had very long hair and tons of it. It is falling and falling and soon I will check out Dolly Parton's closet for a wig.
Maybe the mixed up thyroid is doing me in or maybe stress.
What is there to stress about when you are retired and only have MOI to think about?
Oh! I can name a few hundred items on my stress list.
I was born stressed out, I came out looked at my parents and said "this is not where I am supposed to be" Original stress 1.
Don't ask me about pubic hair, the tummy is too big and I can't see anything anymore down south.
So talking about tummies...well, between that and my wounded knees I can't get up anymore from a flat on the ground position....I tried that again last week when I fell walking the pooch. A very small man helped me up. He may have to see his chiropractor now. I now I do, my back feels like an iron gate when I move and it smarts and complaints about needing oil.
The worst part for me is not hearing anymore.
YET, believe me when I say that sometimes that is a very good thing.
Like when relatives are arguing at the table and I have no idea what they are saying...I was told that was a good thing.
Best of all is that I have "ears" for listening to TV and that is heavenly.
Hearing aids are just that "an aid" never replace what you had.
No matter what you pay for the gadget you have to adjust them according to the environment. Still no perfection.
I would give you my first born and maybe even the other two if they made something that brings back the hearing from when I was 20. Any takers???
Did not think so.
I heard a joke last week. Old lady said she can do 3 things all at once.
She can sneeze, pee in her pants and pass gas all at the same time.
Everyone laughed out loud. I was silent.
June Allyson had the answer:"Depend" and when you are deaf and pass gas you do not hear it and figure that no one in the room heard you either. It is a
good feeling to know you are still "protected" .
So what to do at THAT age? You do what you want to do. Never mind the other world.
I flirt with young waiters, they smile and are quiet about telling me that I look like their grandmother, I smear my face with everything that says "wrinkle be gone" then my dog wants to lick it off, or I slid out of bed.
I still want to make my bucket list but what to put on it is a ?????
does a bucket list have to be realistic? or can you just ask for anything?
Like I want to sing like a soprano. (I can't carry a tune)
Like I want to roller blade (with iron in my ankles = do I want more on the other ankle?)
I'd like to travel to China but it takes a falling dollar.
Like can I get rid of the psoriasis without deadly meds?

Shuck it (notice I cleaned it up) forget the bucket list.
Get back to the grocery list and ignore the scale , the mirror, and the pains.

GREAT NEWS ABOUT MY JEWELRY

Ihad posted 5 necklaces on Facebook and told them that they will go to Hospice next Tuesday. A promise I made myself because Hospice was there for us.
An old friend from WOWOWOW saw them and offered me a check for Hospice if I would send them all to her. I accepted her generous offer and will make others for Hospice. I was thrilled. I can't afford to give such a check to Hospice but I could make the necklaces. It gives me a thrill that someone wanted them.
Good day, good uplifting thoughts.

Save this blog it is fun reading:

Well worth reading every day :

http://to-the-manner-born.blogspot.com/

Happy Chanukah by Adam Sandler :

The Chanukah Song
Written By: Adam Sandler

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do Kirk Douglas, James Caan and the late Dina Shore-ah
Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzarelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew
You don't need 'Deck the Halls' or 'Jingle Bell Rock'
'Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock --
both Jewish!
Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs
Celebrates Chanukah
O.J. Simpson,......NOT A JEW!
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew -- he converted.
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish -- not too shabby!
Some people think that Ebeneezer Scrooge is,
well he's not, but guess who is
All Three Stooges!
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is
Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope I get a harmonicah
On this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your MARIJUANICA
if you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah