A Maltese is a small breed of dog in the toy group. The Maltese does not shed and is covered with long, silky, white fur.
The Maltese breed of today is descended from dogs long associated with the island of Malta. It is one of the oldest dog breeds.
That is the introduction to Bijou my new baby.
Bijou is an absolute jewel.
He is very smart, he immitates the Corgy on everything she does.
It is so funny to watch and what is more th Corgy lets him
take HER toys and HER Food , something which was unheard of before.
Bijou has not been for walks yet as it got cooler and I have to get him
a coat. For 10 weeks old I think that is needed.
On WOW today they asked the question of what makes you happy today
and he sure is the number one on my list.
Most of the bloggers there had their pets as number one.
It is true that your BP goes down when you interact with pets.
I have to monitor mine very closely and I have seen this for myself.
Amazing.
When we visit Toto's grave, Bijou and I , I feel that Toto is quite
happy with my choice and he is happy that another pup will
share the love. I feel at peace about the changes.
For this I must thank my son who told me to go with the heart
not with the counsel on the internet to wait 2 months.
I must thank the angel who came with a great gift, Alana.
I must thank Janet who with such loving care brought her Maltese
babies to our attention.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Snow flakes giving a new meaning
Had the best day yesterday all because of a few tiny snowflakes.
Between a dark cloud and sunshine we had just a 10 minute snow flurry.
The first of the year.
Husband came to the door and looked bewildered.
I asked what was wrong and he pointed to the snow flakes.
I explained this was snow and how much he likes snow being a native Californian.
He did n't understand the concept.
He kept staring to the minute flakes.
I had his food ready so he sat down to start eating his oatmeal and after two bites
he went back to the door but this time I saw complete awe and twinkles in his
eyes. He saw snow for the first time (again) and like a toddler he was completely
enchanted with the magic of it all. Flakes falling out of the sky, imagine that!
I had not seen this kind of joy on his face for a long time and I coul n't help it
but I fell right with him in the wonder of nature and soon we were both giggling
like little kids. Snow!!Snow!!
Within minutes the sun won out and the dark cloud had vanished.
I thought the display had been put there so old Bob would have something
to enjoy today.
Between a dark cloud and sunshine we had just a 10 minute snow flurry.
The first of the year.
Husband came to the door and looked bewildered.
I asked what was wrong and he pointed to the snow flakes.
I explained this was snow and how much he likes snow being a native Californian.
He did n't understand the concept.
He kept staring to the minute flakes.
I had his food ready so he sat down to start eating his oatmeal and after two bites
he went back to the door but this time I saw complete awe and twinkles in his
eyes. He saw snow for the first time (again) and like a toddler he was completely
enchanted with the magic of it all. Flakes falling out of the sky, imagine that!
I had not seen this kind of joy on his face for a long time and I coul n't help it
but I fell right with him in the wonder of nature and soon we were both giggling
like little kids. Snow!!Snow!!
Within minutes the sun won out and the dark cloud had vanished.
I thought the display had been put there so old Bob would have something
to enjoy today.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Mom, if dad dies, will you follow?
We are very close to our children.
All three live in the same state and at most are 25 minutes away from us.
They often share their concerns with me as to our departure
from this scenario called living.
All three are concerned that if dad goes mom will follow within months.
Mom and Dad have been so close, one could not be without the other.
Under "NORMAL" circumstances of aging and dying I would agree.
Dementia/Alzheimer is such a long illness, years of caregiving, years of worries
as the "living" picture changes.
Years it takes for the long goodbyes.
Years you prepare yourself for the worst.
A simple cold translated by your fears equal the dreaded pneumonia.
A gesture of rubbing his/her chest and you think they are having heart pains.
Without communication there are so many question marks.
In the last decade there have been so many ways in which I have said goodbye
to the man I adore.
First time he did not know me entered a stranger and he took my beloved to other places.
First time he refused for me to get into OUR bed, I met an imposter, not my lover.
First time he would not eat something I cooked I lost my appreciative audience.
First time he did not know his sister or brother, he lost his family
First time he stole our mail and hid it , I lost my bills yet unpaid.
First time he accused me of stealing his stuff, I was unconsolable.
First time he disliked the small grandchildren I hated the person in front of me.
First time he tried to get into a visitor's car I worried about his safety.
First time he got lost I knew he still needed me 24/7
But with all these manifold goodbyes you start to say goodbye to the person
you knew. You start to do what you need to do if you were a widow.
You put in screen windows, you have the furnace checked, you watch your pennies,
you think as head of the household and keep it all together.
You are alone already but have the added work of taking care of an ill person
with dementia.
I wash him, I feed him what he likes, I keep an eye on what he feeds the dogs,
I keep an eye on his wardrobe. I keep an eye when he gets out of bed for places unknown.
I redirect him when he is lost in the bathroom.
I am watching his body, the mind is unpredictable,
I tell the kids, if Dad should go before me , I will be fine. I will still miss the gentle,
loving man he was, the best husband one could wish for.
But I have said goodbye to that man many years ago.
I will survive, I am a lot more concerned if the process would be reversed.
Who will take such good care of him? It takes all you have to give out of you.
All three live in the same state and at most are 25 minutes away from us.
They often share their concerns with me as to our departure
from this scenario called living.
All three are concerned that if dad goes mom will follow within months.
Mom and Dad have been so close, one could not be without the other.
Under "NORMAL" circumstances of aging and dying I would agree.
Dementia/Alzheimer is such a long illness, years of caregiving, years of worries
as the "living" picture changes.
Years it takes for the long goodbyes.
Years you prepare yourself for the worst.
A simple cold translated by your fears equal the dreaded pneumonia.
A gesture of rubbing his/her chest and you think they are having heart pains.
Without communication there are so many question marks.
In the last decade there have been so many ways in which I have said goodbye
to the man I adore.
First time he did not know me entered a stranger and he took my beloved to other places.
First time he refused for me to get into OUR bed, I met an imposter, not my lover.
First time he would not eat something I cooked I lost my appreciative audience.
First time he did not know his sister or brother, he lost his family
First time he stole our mail and hid it , I lost my bills yet unpaid.
First time he accused me of stealing his stuff, I was unconsolable.
First time he disliked the small grandchildren I hated the person in front of me.
First time he tried to get into a visitor's car I worried about his safety.
First time he got lost I knew he still needed me 24/7
But with all these manifold goodbyes you start to say goodbye to the person
you knew. You start to do what you need to do if you were a widow.
You put in screen windows, you have the furnace checked, you watch your pennies,
you think as head of the household and keep it all together.
You are alone already but have the added work of taking care of an ill person
with dementia.
I wash him, I feed him what he likes, I keep an eye on what he feeds the dogs,
I keep an eye on his wardrobe. I keep an eye when he gets out of bed for places unknown.
I redirect him when he is lost in the bathroom.
I am watching his body, the mind is unpredictable,
I tell the kids, if Dad should go before me , I will be fine. I will still miss the gentle,
loving man he was, the best husband one could wish for.
But I have said goodbye to that man many years ago.
I will survive, I am a lot more concerned if the process would be reversed.
Who will take such good care of him? It takes all you have to give out of you.
a new treatment for Alzheimer?
Valproic acid, an epilepsy drug also used to treat bipolar disorder, may have benefits against Alzheimer's disease if given before Alzheimer's gets severe, a new study shows.
found on WedMD
found on WedMD
If he could write a book.................
I keep on wondering what quality of life a person has
who is suffering with dementia/ Alzheimer.
Are they thinking happy thoughts?
Are they sad?
Are they aware that they are sick?
Are they able to still love?
My husband smiles a lot. Laughs out loud at the wrong times (like when I cry)
Does not know his best friend has passed, that our dog is gone and that is the
reason we have a new pup.
He does not know that so there are no tears or sadness.
Does he know somewhere deep inside of the dying brain? I do not see it.
Does he know he has dementia? No, he just tells me that he forgets now and then.
I do not think he understands pain. He had a sore in his neck and I found it
while washing him. It must have hurt but he did not say a word about it.
Is he still able to love?
I think he still has moments of warm fuzzy feelings.
I kisses the puppy a lot.
When he knows me I can see the love in his eyes, when he thinks I am
a stranger the eyes are a cold metal like stare, it makes me uncomfortable.
What kind of book would he write now if he could?
Will we ever know?
who is suffering with dementia/ Alzheimer.
Are they thinking happy thoughts?
Are they sad?
Are they aware that they are sick?
Are they able to still love?
My husband smiles a lot. Laughs out loud at the wrong times (like when I cry)
Does not know his best friend has passed, that our dog is gone and that is the
reason we have a new pup.
He does not know that so there are no tears or sadness.
Does he know somewhere deep inside of the dying brain? I do not see it.
Does he know he has dementia? No, he just tells me that he forgets now and then.
I do not think he understands pain. He had a sore in his neck and I found it
while washing him. It must have hurt but he did not say a word about it.
Is he still able to love?
I think he still has moments of warm fuzzy feelings.
I kisses the puppy a lot.
When he knows me I can see the love in his eyes, when he thinks I am
a stranger the eyes are a cold metal like stare, it makes me uncomfortable.
What kind of book would he write now if he could?
Will we ever know?
Friday, October 24, 2008
wet Friday, we need the rain still.
It's late in the day and I am exhausted but did the shopping with daughter Sabrina who was sick with sinus infection. She is such a trouper to take me shopping.
Bob just is getting lost sometimes between the bathroom and bedroom. (3 steps)
Every night it starts around 6 when he starts walking around and around like he needs
to do a marathon in the morning.
He follows me everywhere, I get frustrated, feeling sorry for him, feeling sorry for me.
Then I have to show him where he sleeps and then he asks me where I sleep.
The routine is monotonous it just repeats day after day.
So somehow he remembers that something about the sleeping arrangement worries him.
It has been rather cold today, tried to go and vote but the line was too long to stand in the rain.
Now that I am on 3 days off a week I count the days that I do work.
Two more and I am off.
Like the kids used to do " 3 more sleeps and vacation".
I do hope to be able to leave at the New Year.
They are not going to like it at work.
Bad news today: our CEO of a few months is leaving.
Was she fired? First female CEO we had.
She said she is retiring and they are searching with an international company for a new CEO.
Strange to me is that they do not find one within the ranks to just step up.
Our stock has dropped to 1.90
but then today was also a very bad day on Wall street.
The world is changing.
I better to got bed, I am morose and tired.
Goodnight friends wherever you are.
Bob just is getting lost sometimes between the bathroom and bedroom. (3 steps)
Every night it starts around 6 when he starts walking around and around like he needs
to do a marathon in the morning.
He follows me everywhere, I get frustrated, feeling sorry for him, feeling sorry for me.
Then I have to show him where he sleeps and then he asks me where I sleep.
The routine is monotonous it just repeats day after day.
So somehow he remembers that something about the sleeping arrangement worries him.
It has been rather cold today, tried to go and vote but the line was too long to stand in the rain.
Now that I am on 3 days off a week I count the days that I do work.
Two more and I am off.
Like the kids used to do " 3 more sleeps and vacation".
I do hope to be able to leave at the New Year.
They are not going to like it at work.
Bad news today: our CEO of a few months is leaving.
Was she fired? First female CEO we had.
She said she is retiring and they are searching with an international company for a new CEO.
Strange to me is that they do not find one within the ranks to just step up.
Our stock has dropped to 1.90
but then today was also a very bad day on Wall street.
The world is changing.
I better to got bed, I am morose and tired.
Goodnight friends wherever you are.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
BIJOU 10 WEEKS OLD
This little guy is bringing sunshine and laughter in the house, he is a clown!
He is lovable, he touches our souls.
Politics...it will be over soon
I am angry today and want this election over with.
It tampers with my health ....because...I let it get to me.
I guess since old Bob can't reason about politics and does not know
we are about to get a new President, so I am taking on his voice with mine.
If one is going to name names then I am guessing you would call me a liberal.
Here is what I do when a form is presented and they call for a race:
I write in "human race". Learned that from Frank.
When I hear bashing about sexuality I just tell them that I do not want to know who is sleeping with whom as long as it is not me, I have no interest in other people's sexual activities.
Do I want young girls to go back to the butchers and the clothe hangers
so they can abort? No. Abortion is very emotional,painful, but what happens when there is no money, no experience, no support, no daddy, no housing, no medicine to take care of a child. Are we so well equipped in this country to take care of
that. Like with eldercare we put people's urgent needs between cracks of paperwork until you are either lost or dead.
Does a woman have a right to decide about her body, her child's future?
You are darn right.
Am I religious? That is no one's business.
Religion, Faith, is a private journey.
A wise man once said to my husband : you are NOT going to heaven on a tandem bicycle. So we each had our beliefs and no religious battles were to be found in our home.
I have a sign in my kitchen which tells the story: God does not want religious nuts but spiritual fruit.
I like to think that I am spiritual. That came after a long search in many brick buildings of worship with fancy altars and men in different types of garb telling me stories.
I have been a registered independent for years but became a democrat before the last election. The last 8 years have given me fits of anger.
Especially the war. I know what war is. The day we invaded Iraq I kept thinking of all the 8 year olds afraid of the war noises outside, afraid to think they would die or their mom would die.
People told me over and over again that I was liberated by the Americans.
So true. I never ever forgot that.
But we begged for help, most of Europe on their knees begging.
It also took some time before America took it on as a mission.
What comparison is that with Iraq?
Iraq was an illegal invasion.
How many lives have we lost? how many Iraquis have died?
Why today of all days to be so angry.
I think the bear incident at Western started it.
A young bear cub was brought to the doorsteps of Western Carolina University wrapped in Obama poster, he had been shot in the head.
Today the chancellor is saying that it was NOT political but a prank.
I read many people answering this on line and asking for all of us
to call the chancellor for more follow up. No one is buying that story.
They just happened to have found a bear cub shot and dragged it
to the college. Give me a break.
It tampers with my health ....because...I let it get to me.
I guess since old Bob can't reason about politics and does not know
we are about to get a new President, so I am taking on his voice with mine.
If one is going to name names then I am guessing you would call me a liberal.
Here is what I do when a form is presented and they call for a race:
I write in "human race". Learned that from Frank.
When I hear bashing about sexuality I just tell them that I do not want to know who is sleeping with whom as long as it is not me, I have no interest in other people's sexual activities.
Do I want young girls to go back to the butchers and the clothe hangers
so they can abort? No. Abortion is very emotional,painful, but what happens when there is no money, no experience, no support, no daddy, no housing, no medicine to take care of a child. Are we so well equipped in this country to take care of
that. Like with eldercare we put people's urgent needs between cracks of paperwork until you are either lost or dead.
Does a woman have a right to decide about her body, her child's future?
You are darn right.
Am I religious? That is no one's business.
Religion, Faith, is a private journey.
A wise man once said to my husband : you are NOT going to heaven on a tandem bicycle. So we each had our beliefs and no religious battles were to be found in our home.
I have a sign in my kitchen which tells the story: God does not want religious nuts but spiritual fruit.
I like to think that I am spiritual. That came after a long search in many brick buildings of worship with fancy altars and men in different types of garb telling me stories.
I have been a registered independent for years but became a democrat before the last election. The last 8 years have given me fits of anger.
Especially the war. I know what war is. The day we invaded Iraq I kept thinking of all the 8 year olds afraid of the war noises outside, afraid to think they would die or their mom would die.
People told me over and over again that I was liberated by the Americans.
So true. I never ever forgot that.
But we begged for help, most of Europe on their knees begging.
It also took some time before America took it on as a mission.
What comparison is that with Iraq?
Iraq was an illegal invasion.
How many lives have we lost? how many Iraquis have died?
Why today of all days to be so angry.
I think the bear incident at Western started it.
A young bear cub was brought to the doorsteps of Western Carolina University wrapped in Obama poster, he had been shot in the head.
Today the chancellor is saying that it was NOT political but a prank.
I read many people answering this on line and asking for all of us
to call the chancellor for more follow up. No one is buying that story.
They just happened to have found a bear cub shot and dragged it
to the college. Give me a break.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
NEW DAY, NEW SUNSHINE
A red headed angel came to my door with a lovely note.
The note also contained a gift, a very generous gift for the purchase of my new puppy.
I was beside myself, This had not been my best week and the emotions run from very high to very low. Oddly enough I thought I had lost my Faith. I was not sure anymore in the last weeks on
how to deal with more changes.
After the accident with Toto I was numb. I did not make much sense. I burned pots on the stove, forgot to write checks. Forgot to eat and let the men fend for themselves.
I went into my bedroom and asked for help.
I talked to every one that was on the other side. Asked St Rita what was up for me. She always has to come into play when it is desperate.
There was a knock at the front door and there was this lovely lady with a gift basket.
It was a Christmas basket in October. It was made up by someone who obviously cared since so many Belgian products where included. Fresh fruit in abundance, baked goods, chocolate,
you name it.
I did not know how to react to all this but it was like the Universe was saying"You are not alone".
NextI had emails from strangers who had read my blog, phone calls, and people trying to see where there was Maltese.
I was overwhelmed. I was already on sick leave but my boss and girls from work came by
to just give a big hug and offer support and help if I needed it.
Found a puppy on the internet , the breeder was my second angel.
She had a boy 10 weeks old and we could see him on Friday after work.
Daughter Sabrina brought me there and we got to meet the whole Maltese family.
Before a few minutes passed I had the Mama and the Papa on my lap.
Friendly, well kept, lovely animals.
I picked their son who is just Mister Adorable.
Mind you this is not another Toto, my Toto was unique as this little guy will be
in his own way.
For now I have called him Bijou, french for jewel.
However son was up with him all night and said that Bijou typed his name on the
keyboard as "pooooooooooooo"
I can just see me calling him :"POO POO POO"
don't think so.
Photos later, I am exhausted.
Good night Toto I will see you in my dreams, meanwhle you watch over this little
guy sleeping in a playpen.
I love you Toto and I already falling in love with you, Bijou Poo
The note also contained a gift, a very generous gift for the purchase of my new puppy.
I was beside myself, This had not been my best week and the emotions run from very high to very low. Oddly enough I thought I had lost my Faith. I was not sure anymore in the last weeks on
how to deal with more changes.
After the accident with Toto I was numb. I did not make much sense. I burned pots on the stove, forgot to write checks. Forgot to eat and let the men fend for themselves.
I went into my bedroom and asked for help.
I talked to every one that was on the other side. Asked St Rita what was up for me. She always has to come into play when it is desperate.
There was a knock at the front door and there was this lovely lady with a gift basket.
It was a Christmas basket in October. It was made up by someone who obviously cared since so many Belgian products where included. Fresh fruit in abundance, baked goods, chocolate,
you name it.
I did not know how to react to all this but it was like the Universe was saying"You are not alone".
NextI had emails from strangers who had read my blog, phone calls, and people trying to see where there was Maltese.
I was overwhelmed. I was already on sick leave but my boss and girls from work came by
to just give a big hug and offer support and help if I needed it.
Found a puppy on the internet , the breeder was my second angel.
She had a boy 10 weeks old and we could see him on Friday after work.
Daughter Sabrina brought me there and we got to meet the whole Maltese family.
Before a few minutes passed I had the Mama and the Papa on my lap.
Friendly, well kept, lovely animals.
I picked their son who is just Mister Adorable.
Mind you this is not another Toto, my Toto was unique as this little guy will be
in his own way.
For now I have called him Bijou, french for jewel.
However son was up with him all night and said that Bijou typed his name on the
keyboard as "pooooooooooooo"
I can just see me calling him :"POO POO POO"
don't think so.
Photos later, I am exhausted.
Good night Toto I will see you in my dreams, meanwhle you watch over this little
guy sleeping in a playpen.
I love you Toto and I already falling in love with you, Bijou Poo
Thursday, October 16, 2008
A new day
I taught my children that they could sit on a pity pot for 3 days and then pick yourself up and do what needs to be done.
Did not always work.
Does not always work with me.
I have sat on that pot many times in the last ten years.
I would like to think that i got up in time and did what needed to be done.
After I lost Toto on Monday I thought I would not make it.
I was not being a drama queen but I so ached and my b p is so high anyway
that I was thinking a stroke was going to be on the way.
So 3 days I sat on the couch, no changing of clothing, no brushing teeth, eating
junk like cookies and coke.
Then something unexpected happened, I decided to have another puppy.
I need to do something with the love I have to give in return I need companionship,
unconditional love that only a four footed fur ball is able to give.
You step on their tail and they come to lick you and say "you are forgiven, I still love you!".
Where else do you find that?
So I searched on the web and found a 10 week old Maltese , just about the same
age that Toto was when we got him.
On the internet he looks adorable.
We shall go and visit him tomorrow and see if we "gell".
or is it "jell". I do not know, I am in la la land.
No other puppy can replace Toto, no way , I would be extremely lucky if he had the same energy and caregiving attitude.
So I feel like a kid on Christmas eve.
I went to work and managed to balance everything.
So I guess I am off the 3 day period and on my way up.
Pull yourself by your expensinve Merrell shoes, old gal, and get going again.
Manana is another day.
Will post a photo when we get Bijou
May change the name by then too.
I am somewhat drunk with new power.
Something to look forward to.
Did not always work.
Does not always work with me.
I have sat on that pot many times in the last ten years.
I would like to think that i got up in time and did what needed to be done.
After I lost Toto on Monday I thought I would not make it.
I was not being a drama queen but I so ached and my b p is so high anyway
that I was thinking a stroke was going to be on the way.
So 3 days I sat on the couch, no changing of clothing, no brushing teeth, eating
junk like cookies and coke.
Then something unexpected happened, I decided to have another puppy.
I need to do something with the love I have to give in return I need companionship,
unconditional love that only a four footed fur ball is able to give.
You step on their tail and they come to lick you and say "you are forgiven, I still love you!".
Where else do you find that?
So I searched on the web and found a 10 week old Maltese , just about the same
age that Toto was when we got him.
On the internet he looks adorable.
We shall go and visit him tomorrow and see if we "gell".
or is it "jell". I do not know, I am in la la land.
No other puppy can replace Toto, no way , I would be extremely lucky if he had the same energy and caregiving attitude.
So I feel like a kid on Christmas eve.
I went to work and managed to balance everything.
So I guess I am off the 3 day period and on my way up.
Pull yourself by your expensinve Merrell shoes, old gal, and get going again.
Manana is another day.
Will post a photo when we get Bijou
May change the name by then too.
I am somewhat drunk with new power.
Something to look forward to.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Goodbye to my best friend
Monday October 13 2008
I lost my best friend.
A four legged little charmer named Toto.
He was a pistol and for some reason decided on
an argument with a larger dog.
He did not win.
For four years he had been the the one
continued sunshine in my life.
The only continued sunshine.
He would go crazy when he saw me coming.
He looked sad when I had to leave for work.
He looked sadly at his Dad who sometimes would push him away.
He would sit on my lap by the computer, his head
resting on my arm and it would bobble with every letter I typed,
up and down he went and yet it did not bother him.
When I sat on the couch he would wrap himself around my neck,
he was my white fur piece.
He wanted to sleep in his crate in the night and be left alone.
So by 9 he would stand by the door looking at me , as if to say:
Come on time to sleep!.
In the morning we had our walk before work and he
had his designated areas but when it rained he decided
he would do neither.
So early on I started to spoil him and take him under the umbrella
to the car port next door so there he felt it did not rain and
he was ok.
My son in law thought this to be extremely funny.
When he was little I had to take him up the steps.
We bought him on the voting day in November 2004
we hoped for Kerry so we named him that.
The next day when we knew Kerry did not make it
old Bob decided to name him Toto from the movie.
I have not changed my clothing in 3 days, have left the
stove on when it should have been off.
Have made no progress in anything like housework
and could not care less.
I mostly sit and cry or sleep.
I feel like my heart is in pieces, I am surprised it does not
just come out of my chest.
My mother who was not a fan of animals would have said:
It is just a dog, Jeannot.
Since then I heard people who have mourned more for their
dogs then some humans.
I decided to have another puppy.
Can't replace Toto, not ever, he was unique.
I need to hold something and to love something.
I need a fur ball in my lap.
I need company.
Both Joan Rivers and Cindy Adams wrote about their puppies
and how they saved them when their husbands died.
At that time I thought they were crazy dames, well,I have joined the club.
My son is helping me to buy another puppy, these little guys
cost money, jeez! I know I should rescue one from the shelter
but Maltese rarely show up there and that is what I want in
temperament. I am not going to feel guilty about that too.
I have enough guilt every day to fill 3 life times.
We thought to name the puppy Obama and hoping that
this time it will bring the candidate some luck.
A snow white puppy named Obama.
That is fun.
We shall see , I am to look at one on Friday.
Wish me luck.
Wish for me to find some piece of mind. (Yup I am talking to myself)
I lost my best friend.
A four legged little charmer named Toto.
He was a pistol and for some reason decided on
an argument with a larger dog.
He did not win.
For four years he had been the the one
continued sunshine in my life.
The only continued sunshine.
He would go crazy when he saw me coming.
He looked sad when I had to leave for work.
He looked sadly at his Dad who sometimes would push him away.
He would sit on my lap by the computer, his head
resting on my arm and it would bobble with every letter I typed,
up and down he went and yet it did not bother him.
When I sat on the couch he would wrap himself around my neck,
he was my white fur piece.
He wanted to sleep in his crate in the night and be left alone.
So by 9 he would stand by the door looking at me , as if to say:
Come on time to sleep!.
In the morning we had our walk before work and he
had his designated areas but when it rained he decided
he would do neither.
So early on I started to spoil him and take him under the umbrella
to the car port next door so there he felt it did not rain and
he was ok.
My son in law thought this to be extremely funny.
When he was little I had to take him up the steps.
We bought him on the voting day in November 2004
we hoped for Kerry so we named him that.
The next day when we knew Kerry did not make it
old Bob decided to name him Toto from the movie.
I have not changed my clothing in 3 days, have left the
stove on when it should have been off.
Have made no progress in anything like housework
and could not care less.
I mostly sit and cry or sleep.
I feel like my heart is in pieces, I am surprised it does not
just come out of my chest.
My mother who was not a fan of animals would have said:
It is just a dog, Jeannot.
Since then I heard people who have mourned more for their
dogs then some humans.
I decided to have another puppy.
Can't replace Toto, not ever, he was unique.
I need to hold something and to love something.
I need a fur ball in my lap.
I need company.
Both Joan Rivers and Cindy Adams wrote about their puppies
and how they saved them when their husbands died.
At that time I thought they were crazy dames, well,I have joined the club.
My son is helping me to buy another puppy, these little guys
cost money, jeez! I know I should rescue one from the shelter
but Maltese rarely show up there and that is what I want in
temperament. I am not going to feel guilty about that too.
I have enough guilt every day to fill 3 life times.
We thought to name the puppy Obama and hoping that
this time it will bring the candidate some luck.
A snow white puppy named Obama.
That is fun.
We shall see , I am to look at one on Friday.
Wish me luck.
Wish for me to find some piece of mind. (Yup I am talking to myself)
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Caregivers have to take care of themselves!!!!
Today I am not a happy camper.
Let’s rephrase that.
“Happy” is such an elusive word, correct only in some rare special moments.
So....
Today I am not a contented camper.
My b.p.was way too high so I had to bum a ride to the doctor.
Not my favorite place to go.
Doctors always find something wrong.
Like going for new tires and the guy tells you that you also
need new brakes , a cv joint and a host of other “little things” he is happy to announce to you.
Doctors have machines now, they whirl and spit out green numbers on little screens.
Could their machine ever be mistaken?
Could the nurse not read 880 when it is 000
I think so.
That peeve put aside I go into the office and tell the medical magician that I have back pain and signs of a kidney or bladder infection plus my blood pressure which
is going higher every day. I seem to follow the gold market not the dow.
I have a sweet doctor, he has known me for decades.
I told him ahead of time that I only have mild stress in life.
As he knows, my husband has dementia, my new widowed son is highly depressed, I have 3 dogs, one cat and a tank of crabs , part of this belonging to son.
I am losing my hair and will soon need to wear a small beanie like the monks
or the Jewish people at Temple. Take your pick.
I might consider a wig like Dolly Parton.
Anyway, my doctor he just smiles. Tells me to double my blood pressure meds and come back in one month.
Before he closes the door behind him he reminds me that it would be nice to
check my blood for cholesterol and diabetes.
I sit for a while and ponder what just happened.
Did he say a word about my kidney?
Daughter tells me he will find out with the blood work.
I go there once a year and every time he tells me the same sing song
“lets check for cholesterol”.
He thinks that every plump old lady has to have a high cholesterol number and be ready to jump into the diabetes category.
Three more days go by and I hear nada from the white coat person and his staff or nurses who now wear cute tops decorated with mums and or kittens.
Phone call done by daughter as I can’t hear very well on the phone.
Lets call it like it is I am now deaf. Low cholesterol but deaf.
The nurse tells daughter that my potassium is very low.
That my thyroid figure is low and I am to take thyroid meds like tout de suite.
Only my blood pressure is high.
How about my Mom’s discomfort? asks the dutiful daughter.
“Oh”answers the girl on the other end, there is no mention of this in
her chart. If she is uncomfortable she will need an anti-biotic.
I will send it all to the pharmacy of your choice.
A letter will follow explaining our findings.
Click, end of conversation.
So I thought I’d sleep on all this and star medicating in the morning.
I did not have a very good night sleep.
I had over drugged my husband.
He was quite stoned as my son put it.
I had purchased generic pills like Tylenol PM so he can sleep.
I did forget that one pill of the generic is the same volume as 2 Tylenol PM.
Ok , so I was a bit absent minded and gave him 2 generics.
If you follow that, it is like 4 Tylenol PM’s.
Ouch.
Well, not really ouch, he did not feel a thing. In fact the poor man could not
stand up to go to the bathroom. He sank to his knees and then fell, thank God, without hurting himself.
Called my son into the room for help. I said that I thought he had a stroke.
My son simply said: he is stoned, Mom.
Stoned? why is that I wanted to know.
OK, Mom, what meds did he take tonight ..........BINGO....the light went on
and then I remembered I had given two of the new generic pills.
I did not sleep much.
I kept looking and trying to see if the man next to me was dying and if the police were going to be at my door with arm bracelets that did not match my sterling jewelry.
Son kept telling me that he simply was going to sleep it off and of course he did,
he had the sleep of the angels, calm, quiet and a wreck for a wife next to him.
So this morning I took a long walk to the cemetary near my house, it is quiet there.
It is also an ancient place, most graves go back to the late 1800’s.
My daughter in law rests here. So does her mother.
I just go and talk to her, my head knows that all that is buried under
the dried grass is a gorgeous antique box and some ashes.
My head knows that. My head also knows that I can talk to her.
She is around if I beckon her. I tell her to watch over her husband.
He is not doing very well, he is lonely. Yes, she was a lot of tragedy combined with love and question marks. He loves her, he loved her through everything that was dished out for them.
I leave the grave and walk Toto while I am in a complete daze. It is like I half belong in here with the silent ones and half belong to this world with the leaves falling around me and Toto sniffling at every tree.
I do not even notice until it is too late that Toto just pooped on Mr Cagle’s grave.
I never allow him to do that. I was angry that I was so out of it.
All the literature about Alzheimer, all the people who have gone that route, all the friends and all the family have one mantra for me:
“Take care of yourself!”
I hear them and I do not know what that means.
For some people taking care of themselves would be to get a manicure, a facial.
I never went for that before so that thought is nixed.
For some people a trip by a pool and a martini is taking care of themselves.
I can’t truly leave this house for more than 1 day.
Taking care of yourself = eating lots of vegetables, fruit and excersize said my vegetarian friend.
My idea is and always has been that lettuce was God’s gift to rabbits.
Not a gift for me.
I walk and I seem to be running around the house all day long. I am not a couch potato. Oh but I am somewhat of a computer addicted personality and that, my friend, is the only way I know on how to take care of myself.
I can sit and write down how I feel and I will not hurt anyone with my words
or deeds, I can just write down what my ache is deep inside this chest.
I can write to tell my soul that all will be better tomorrow, that perhaps,
I can still touch a smigdeon of Faith, I can still know that somehow somewhere I will find the courage to see tomorrow. Perhaps see a rainbow. Perhaps I will know how to be good to myself.
Let’s rephrase that.
“Happy” is such an elusive word, correct only in some rare special moments.
So....
Today I am not a contented camper.
My b.p.was way too high so I had to bum a ride to the doctor.
Not my favorite place to go.
Doctors always find something wrong.
Like going for new tires and the guy tells you that you also
need new brakes , a cv joint and a host of other “little things” he is happy to announce to you.
Doctors have machines now, they whirl and spit out green numbers on little screens.
Could their machine ever be mistaken?
Could the nurse not read 880 when it is 000
I think so.
That peeve put aside I go into the office and tell the medical magician that I have back pain and signs of a kidney or bladder infection plus my blood pressure which
is going higher every day. I seem to follow the gold market not the dow.
I have a sweet doctor, he has known me for decades.
I told him ahead of time that I only have mild stress in life.
As he knows, my husband has dementia, my new widowed son is highly depressed, I have 3 dogs, one cat and a tank of crabs , part of this belonging to son.
I am losing my hair and will soon need to wear a small beanie like the monks
or the Jewish people at Temple. Take your pick.
I might consider a wig like Dolly Parton.
Anyway, my doctor he just smiles. Tells me to double my blood pressure meds and come back in one month.
Before he closes the door behind him he reminds me that it would be nice to
check my blood for cholesterol and diabetes.
I sit for a while and ponder what just happened.
Did he say a word about my kidney?
Daughter tells me he will find out with the blood work.
I go there once a year and every time he tells me the same sing song
“lets check for cholesterol”.
He thinks that every plump old lady has to have a high cholesterol number and be ready to jump into the diabetes category.
Three more days go by and I hear nada from the white coat person and his staff or nurses who now wear cute tops decorated with mums and or kittens.
Phone call done by daughter as I can’t hear very well on the phone.
Lets call it like it is I am now deaf. Low cholesterol but deaf.
The nurse tells daughter that my potassium is very low.
That my thyroid figure is low and I am to take thyroid meds like tout de suite.
Only my blood pressure is high.
How about my Mom’s discomfort? asks the dutiful daughter.
“Oh”answers the girl on the other end, there is no mention of this in
her chart. If she is uncomfortable she will need an anti-biotic.
I will send it all to the pharmacy of your choice.
A letter will follow explaining our findings.
Click, end of conversation.
So I thought I’d sleep on all this and star medicating in the morning.
I did not have a very good night sleep.
I had over drugged my husband.
He was quite stoned as my son put it.
I had purchased generic pills like Tylenol PM so he can sleep.
I did forget that one pill of the generic is the same volume as 2 Tylenol PM.
Ok , so I was a bit absent minded and gave him 2 generics.
If you follow that, it is like 4 Tylenol PM’s.
Ouch.
Well, not really ouch, he did not feel a thing. In fact the poor man could not
stand up to go to the bathroom. He sank to his knees and then fell, thank God, without hurting himself.
Called my son into the room for help. I said that I thought he had a stroke.
My son simply said: he is stoned, Mom.
Stoned? why is that I wanted to know.
OK, Mom, what meds did he take tonight ..........BINGO....the light went on
and then I remembered I had given two of the new generic pills.
I did not sleep much.
I kept looking and trying to see if the man next to me was dying and if the police were going to be at my door with arm bracelets that did not match my sterling jewelry.
Son kept telling me that he simply was going to sleep it off and of course he did,
he had the sleep of the angels, calm, quiet and a wreck for a wife next to him.
So this morning I took a long walk to the cemetary near my house, it is quiet there.
It is also an ancient place, most graves go back to the late 1800’s.
My daughter in law rests here. So does her mother.
I just go and talk to her, my head knows that all that is buried under
the dried grass is a gorgeous antique box and some ashes.
My head knows that. My head also knows that I can talk to her.
She is around if I beckon her. I tell her to watch over her husband.
He is not doing very well, he is lonely. Yes, she was a lot of tragedy combined with love and question marks. He loves her, he loved her through everything that was dished out for them.
I leave the grave and walk Toto while I am in a complete daze. It is like I half belong in here with the silent ones and half belong to this world with the leaves falling around me and Toto sniffling at every tree.
I do not even notice until it is too late that Toto just pooped on Mr Cagle’s grave.
I never allow him to do that. I was angry that I was so out of it.
All the literature about Alzheimer, all the people who have gone that route, all the friends and all the family have one mantra for me:
“Take care of yourself!”
I hear them and I do not know what that means.
For some people taking care of themselves would be to get a manicure, a facial.
I never went for that before so that thought is nixed.
For some people a trip by a pool and a martini is taking care of themselves.
I can’t truly leave this house for more than 1 day.
Taking care of yourself = eating lots of vegetables, fruit and excersize said my vegetarian friend.
My idea is and always has been that lettuce was God’s gift to rabbits.
Not a gift for me.
I walk and I seem to be running around the house all day long. I am not a couch potato. Oh but I am somewhat of a computer addicted personality and that, my friend, is the only way I know on how to take care of myself.
I can sit and write down how I feel and I will not hurt anyone with my words
or deeds, I can just write down what my ache is deep inside this chest.
I can write to tell my soul that all will be better tomorrow, that perhaps,
I can still touch a smigdeon of Faith, I can still know that somehow somewhere I will find the courage to see tomorrow. Perhaps see a rainbow. Perhaps I will know how to be good to myself.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Ed Bagley visits us
I thought it odd that old B. was sitting at the table and doing a lot of mumbling.
He is usually quiet and has a hard time making a sentence.
Now he seemed to be talking to himself and I needed to find out
what the story was.
"What are you talking about" I asked.
"This man on TV, right there (as he pointed) he was at my house all the time"
I looked at TV and saw Ed Bagley ordering a special cake.
A "green motif" cake no less.
Bob continued in long sentences.
"he lived here on that street ( a design on the table) and we lived here...
and he was at my house all the time. "
"he was a nice man, I like him a lot but then I think he brought us vegetables".
Once this whole session was over with, he put his head down ever so slightly and
fell asleep again at the kitchen table.
Ed Begley no doubt looked like someone he remembered from his youth.
Well, that same day Prez Bush came on.
Bob never, ever, liked him. Bob was a born democrat.
He looked at the TV and mumbled.
He had not reacted to the Prez in a long time but now he got agitated
about the man on the telly.
I asked him what was going on and he replied:
" that man, that man is bad".
I asked why and he replied : " I do not know but bad is bad".
back to the snoozing.
I was very surprised that he had some recollection of Bush as he has no
idea an election is going to happen and Bush will be gone.
I was not that lucky when it came to bed time.
He had again built a barricade between my side of the bed and his.
My roll pillows come in handy for that, 3 rolls and voila!
He said he did not want me to touch him. Therefore the separation.
He did not know me.
I lost it. I told him some nasty things and knew I was talking to a wall but I could not keep it in.
I think I even used a four letter word, which is not normal for me.
I threw the pillows on the other side of the room and crawled in bed.
A few hours later, he woke up, took my hand and kissed it.
All was well again. He knew somehow it was OK to be next to him.
My last four letter word to him then was "Love ye"
He said "me too" and we slept.
All was well again.
How many times have I done this? Dozens of times.
Do I get used to it and laugh at it? Sometimes and sometimes I just can't handle it like a lady.
He is usually quiet and has a hard time making a sentence.
Now he seemed to be talking to himself and I needed to find out
what the story was.
"What are you talking about" I asked.
"This man on TV, right there (as he pointed) he was at my house all the time"
I looked at TV and saw Ed Bagley ordering a special cake.
A "green motif" cake no less.
Bob continued in long sentences.
"he lived here on that street ( a design on the table) and we lived here...
and he was at my house all the time. "
"he was a nice man, I like him a lot but then I think he brought us vegetables".
Once this whole session was over with, he put his head down ever so slightly and
fell asleep again at the kitchen table.
Ed Begley no doubt looked like someone he remembered from his youth.
Well, that same day Prez Bush came on.
Bob never, ever, liked him. Bob was a born democrat.
He looked at the TV and mumbled.
He had not reacted to the Prez in a long time but now he got agitated
about the man on the telly.
I asked him what was going on and he replied:
" that man, that man is bad".
I asked why and he replied : " I do not know but bad is bad".
back to the snoozing.
I was very surprised that he had some recollection of Bush as he has no
idea an election is going to happen and Bush will be gone.
I was not that lucky when it came to bed time.
He had again built a barricade between my side of the bed and his.
My roll pillows come in handy for that, 3 rolls and voila!
He said he did not want me to touch him. Therefore the separation.
He did not know me.
I lost it. I told him some nasty things and knew I was talking to a wall but I could not keep it in.
I think I even used a four letter word, which is not normal for me.
I threw the pillows on the other side of the room and crawled in bed.
A few hours later, he woke up, took my hand and kissed it.
All was well again. He knew somehow it was OK to be next to him.
My last four letter word to him then was "Love ye"
He said "me too" and we slept.
All was well again.
How many times have I done this? Dozens of times.
Do I get used to it and laugh at it? Sometimes and sometimes I just can't handle it like a lady.
Safety first
Safety. Like with little children you must consider the safety of an Alzheimer patient.
I purchased a new stove last year and I was petrified that my husband would try the buttons and turn it on.
This is a flat top glass stove so if you put anything on there and someone turns it on that could
mean a disaster.
Daughters who remembered what to do with the little ones bought covers for the buttons at a baby store.
I cant even start the stove when they are on.
Bought gadget for some of my closets so he can't open them.
He soon even forgot to try.
We puchased an alarm system for the driveway, it beeps when someone comes in or goes out.
We can hear if he goes beyond the driveway.
We also installed 2 nany cameras (purchased at Toys R Use about 150.00) places them where
we want to see where he goes.
These are not very expensive gadgets but they do help a lot.
The necklace with his ID will only work when he puts it on and he does not like to
wear it.
I had purchased a long thick foam to prevent him from falling out of the bed.
He did fall one time and that is a great concern.
The foam did not work.
He would push it so it would finally fall on the floor.
I now push a heavy overstuffed chair right by his side of the bed.
He tends to sleep on the edge these days but the chair is so heavy
and he can't fall in between either.
So that worked.
I undid the locks in the bathroom, he would lock the door and go to the bedroom (adjacent) and
no one could get to him or the bathroom.
My friend had to get one of these steering wheel locks for the car as her husband still wants to drive.
My husband broke several keys in the car door trying to get in.
Son now owns the car but he does not understand that.
Removed all small rugs, that helps both of us, neither one of us needs a broken hip.
I have to be here to help him and a hospital stay would mess him up beyond anything.
He lost his wedding ring twice, he was very attached to it and very upset.
He is one of these guys who never removed it.
We were lucky to find it again after each loss but then I got smart, I went on eBay,
found a sterling with gold wash wedding ring like his and ordered that
while I hid the old one.
He wears this new one and does not know the difference.
Oddly he now wears it on his right hand.
I usually have extra milk in the house, he will open a new one before the other is empty.
Somehow I never knew actually how much milks I had left, often I had 2 half full.
SO now I mark a big "NO" with black marker on the milk jar and he does pay attention to that.
For how long is a ?????
I purchased a new stove last year and I was petrified that my husband would try the buttons and turn it on.
This is a flat top glass stove so if you put anything on there and someone turns it on that could
mean a disaster.
Daughters who remembered what to do with the little ones bought covers for the buttons at a baby store.
I cant even start the stove when they are on.
Bought gadget for some of my closets so he can't open them.
He soon even forgot to try.
We puchased an alarm system for the driveway, it beeps when someone comes in or goes out.
We can hear if he goes beyond the driveway.
We also installed 2 nany cameras (purchased at Toys R Use about 150.00) places them where
we want to see where he goes.
These are not very expensive gadgets but they do help a lot.
The necklace with his ID will only work when he puts it on and he does not like to
wear it.
I had purchased a long thick foam to prevent him from falling out of the bed.
He did fall one time and that is a great concern.
The foam did not work.
He would push it so it would finally fall on the floor.
I now push a heavy overstuffed chair right by his side of the bed.
He tends to sleep on the edge these days but the chair is so heavy
and he can't fall in between either.
So that worked.
I undid the locks in the bathroom, he would lock the door and go to the bedroom (adjacent) and
no one could get to him or the bathroom.
My friend had to get one of these steering wheel locks for the car as her husband still wants to drive.
My husband broke several keys in the car door trying to get in.
Son now owns the car but he does not understand that.
Removed all small rugs, that helps both of us, neither one of us needs a broken hip.
I have to be here to help him and a hospital stay would mess him up beyond anything.
He lost his wedding ring twice, he was very attached to it and very upset.
He is one of these guys who never removed it.
We were lucky to find it again after each loss but then I got smart, I went on eBay,
found a sterling with gold wash wedding ring like his and ordered that
while I hid the old one.
He wears this new one and does not know the difference.
Oddly he now wears it on his right hand.
I usually have extra milk in the house, he will open a new one before the other is empty.
Somehow I never knew actually how much milks I had left, often I had 2 half full.
SO now I mark a big "NO" with black marker on the milk jar and he does pay attention to that.
For how long is a ?????
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Change day by day
A new experience today.
Time for Bob’s pedicure.
Lately he has the hardest nails, they are so difficult to cut.
I saw he started a grown in toe nail so I worked on it for
a good hour, soaking, then adding oil to soak it some more.
Finally I had it all short and neat.
I was perspiring it was such a hard job.
Put on his socks and shoes and he got up and smiled
like a Cheshire cat.
“What?” said I?
“Good” was his answer.
He has a hard time making a sentence.
He kept smiling and checking his feet.
The thought came to me that his toe must have hurt him.
He never showed any discomfort but now that I think about it,
it had to be hurting.
Is there a level that with dementia/Alzheimer’s you do not feel pain?
Or is the pain there and you no longer know what it is telling
you?
I then told him he had to shave but he did not understand, I started to shave him with his electric shaver and he seemed to
like that until I got to his chin.
He quickly took the shaver and finished the job.
For a minute I thought he did not remember how to do that
but he did.
The heat went on for the first day this season and as he passed by the radiator he put his hand on it.
With a lightning fast removal of his hand he had a little cry , like a little puppy. He asked me”What is?”
I explained that it was the heat and we need it when it is cold
outside. Too much information he stepped away from the radiator like it was a bomb.
Could not grasp on to new effect on this object.
So the changes come sometimes together in one day or take weeks to come to a head.
I came home from work and he was proudly showing me a dozen chestnuts he had found in the yard.
Like a child, a smile of his is precious.
Look, what I have for you!!
Not a word being spoken but the eyes and the smile said it all.
I said: well that is a bunch, I am so proud of you.
While I said that I saw a painting of his on my kitchen wall
and I thought how often I praised him for his fabulous work.
Now I praise him for finding chestnuts.
It is not fair, or is it?
Who is to judge?
Time for Bob’s pedicure.
Lately he has the hardest nails, they are so difficult to cut.
I saw he started a grown in toe nail so I worked on it for
a good hour, soaking, then adding oil to soak it some more.
Finally I had it all short and neat.
I was perspiring it was such a hard job.
Put on his socks and shoes and he got up and smiled
like a Cheshire cat.
“What?” said I?
“Good” was his answer.
He has a hard time making a sentence.
He kept smiling and checking his feet.
The thought came to me that his toe must have hurt him.
He never showed any discomfort but now that I think about it,
it had to be hurting.
Is there a level that with dementia/Alzheimer’s you do not feel pain?
Or is the pain there and you no longer know what it is telling
you?
I then told him he had to shave but he did not understand, I started to shave him with his electric shaver and he seemed to
like that until I got to his chin.
He quickly took the shaver and finished the job.
For a minute I thought he did not remember how to do that
but he did.
The heat went on for the first day this season and as he passed by the radiator he put his hand on it.
With a lightning fast removal of his hand he had a little cry , like a little puppy. He asked me”What is?”
I explained that it was the heat and we need it when it is cold
outside. Too much information he stepped away from the radiator like it was a bomb.
Could not grasp on to new effect on this object.
So the changes come sometimes together in one day or take weeks to come to a head.
I came home from work and he was proudly showing me a dozen chestnuts he had found in the yard.
Like a child, a smile of his is precious.
Look, what I have for you!!
Not a word being spoken but the eyes and the smile said it all.
I said: well that is a bunch, I am so proud of you.
While I said that I saw a painting of his on my kitchen wall
and I thought how often I praised him for his fabulous work.
Now I praise him for finding chestnuts.
It is not fair, or is it?
Who is to judge?
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