a letter to my best friend

just got up
i have been up every 2 hours as I drink so much water
so far I can urinate on command
I hold my breath till can do it and then I am relieved
clean out is no big deal but until I get there to have it done
that is something with huge pain
had 4 clean outs , one here in ER and 3 so far in dr office
yes they use a catherer is that the word?
I just want it over with
I am so friggin tired and cant do anything but sit and fall asleep
brie will be here the week end
rhonda on call till friday morning
neither have slept much
they are so concerned about being there and listening to phone calls.
This would be much easyer if I was like in the past a person with faith.
I can't summon it up.
Prayers were always my biggest medication and that has left me.
now i work with rational thought
It is there, it is a fact, it has to come out.
IF it is my time to go then I will go either on the operating table, a blood cloth, pneumonia afterwards or driving to Asheville or going downstairs to get the laundry trip and hit my head.
The how and when is a mystery.
But one day it will happen.
To all of us.
So no big deal, the surgery, I want to live a bit more and if I do fine that would be swell and dandy if I don't then I will not know about it.
I will just leave the kids with more of a mess with hundreds of beads and cabochons, a demanding dog who will miss me, and too much "tristesse".
Easyer to say 10 Our Fathers and then feel good go on with the day, it aint there and I can't fabricate renewal it has to come from wherever faith comes.
Tomorrow hospital for pre preparation and tests.
Lung Xrays are OK