WHAT TO DO TODAY????

I was very young when I started this ritual. A ritual I still do now at 80.
Perhaps every one does that, I never asked.

As soon as I am awake I am thinking" what is exciting today?" It could be anything that sets the mood for me...less homework...a friend back from being sick...and as I grew older....the boyfriend will visit today....mother will take me to see a movie...

When Bob was ill I hardly had time to think what would happen today ..I knew my routine, get him out of bed and cleaned up and dressed....strip the whole bed and start washing...that was my first thought then...for years and years....

After Bob left us I'd wake up and think "I am a widow, I hate that name, there is nothing waiting for me ......no hugs, no rides in the country, BUT also no laundry waiting....then I would do the best thing and crawl back in bed to sleep some more.
Perhaps then when I would wake up again I might think of something worthwhile to get up for.

Two years later we, the family, again faced with disease. I wake up and my first thought is my grandson. I rush to the computer to read the blog and see how yesterday played out. Sabrina is tired of calling every one and repeating conditions. We all agreed that the blog will help us and her.

The day involves in what I read. A bad report lingers in my heart and my bones well until the afternoon until I take a nap and forget the world.

But Thursday Sabrina surprised me and wrote:"the numbers are good, no transfusion on Friday, I am coming to see you and we will have a day out like we used to".
It will be fun!!!!

I wake up Friday morning and my first thought is "Sabrina is coming and she promised fun". I am so excited. I jump out of bed and forget the brittle bones in the back.Ouchie!

I have not seen much of my daughter in the last 3 months. We used to shop every Tuesday and replenish the fridge. Now Rhonda does this on week ends and she is a doll for helping so much with her sister and me. So it is not so much about getting the milk and bread but seeing this wild girl who promised me fun today.

She steps out of her car and I now see make up, eye lashes curly and dark ,eyebrows trimmed and lipstick. hair still has 24 colors but it is a start. She did something to please herself for the first time in months.
I look into her eyes and I see the pain, the worry, the exhaustion.
No sparks no little stars in the blue, blue eyes.

I used to be shocked when I took time to look in the mirror and saw my eyes, they told the whole story of my body and emotions. Sad, sad, exhausted and sad.

She tells me :"Mom, we will not talk about cancer or Big John , today" We will have girl talks. I can go for that.

No sooner are we in the car and her phone rings, Hospice here ....and the talks start for the next 30 minutes about what to do with Big John who wants to return home. He promises the doctors he will not smoke, he smokes in the nursing home, what the blazers is that promise worth. So the scramble is on for
a place for BJ. His wife has been on duty for decades with this demanding man who thinks she is his slave. She moved his bed out and cleaned the whole house from top to bottom to get rid of the smoke smell. She is done. She did her duty. Picking up a giant man when he falls on his one leg is not task for her anymore.
Sabrina is her mouth piece, Sabrina fights for her freedom but these days there is no room at the nursing home, not here, not there, not at the VA. We just live too long, a month ago the dr. said John was dying. He has been dying more often than any cat with 9 lives.

We finally get to lunch and dropping bunch of stuff at the Hospice store.
The rest of the day is fun...we even go nuts and have a donut at Krispy Cream
with a cafe au lait. By evening we are laughing at every bad joke.

I show her my ankle and the protruding 2 screws which have to come out some day, Brie says: Get some W40 Mom . The laughing starts again. We are having a release for a short while . When she sees her brother she tells him : We almost forgot cancer today, I want to sleep over but tomorrow I need to get the yard ready for the fish fry and Zack's 17th birthday!!!

I got up this morning and my first thought was: "yesterday was fun today will be good I have a new fry pot and it will be french fries tonight!Yeh!"It does not take much to get me out of bed.