comes the calm.
I was so angry this morning when I blogged. Now near bed time I am exhausted but in better spirits.
I know that I just can't change the situation.
It is the nature of this disease , the food is of little interest and the afflicted becomes skeleton like.
It is hard to watch, I keep telling myself that if I could have him back home again I could try and feed him more.
To what end? to prolong this horrible state he is in?
How unkind of me.
Do I want him to continue like this, a mere shell of what he was?
Am I crying more for myself or for him?
Good news dept.:
The kids are trying to readjust the marriage, they had a bad bump in the road. I think they can make it work.
28years is long stretch and most of it was good. A relief to my ears today.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Horrible days
It does not get any easier ............
call yesterday.........he fell, did not get hurt.
Nutritionist talking to us
Alzheimer nurse too
questions about when they will take different measures to get him to eat.
His wish would be not to prolong this and we have the paperwork in order for that.
He is losing 1 1/2 lbs a week now. at 126lbs right now, in march before I broke my ankle he was 145.
They say he is also more violent.
He sat with his eyes closed, looked up slightly from the side of his bowed head and took my hands and held on.
Rubbing his back hurts me, it is all bones sticking out.
He then put his hands on this back as to make a cushion there.
Nurse said he is not in pain, I think he is what does she know.
They had short sleeves on him, he is always wearing long sleeves, he is always cold so we changed him.
He has a new room mate, a luny bin, sorry, named Moe.
I am angry, I am hurting, I do not know how to handle all the emotions right now.
Zack came with us. He is a big boy with a soft heart. It looked like he was afraid to touch this tiny man.
Paper work finally in order, more costs for lawyer.
I am a rag today.
Bobby started to show me the beginning of the film....basterds.
The first scene at the Frenchman's house became my film, the girls looking out from the clothe line and see them coming, the interrogation became my story. I may sound like a drama queen but the film totally changed to me standing there, the house being searched, drawers being opened , men with ugly faces, ugly uniforms, men I had learned to hate.
Me standing there looking at the regulator clock, knowing my dad's gun is in the bonnet of the clock.
If they find that, I was told, we will all die immediately.
My 8 or 9 years have not taught me that I should not stare at danger.
The sound of the boots on our bare wood steps are loud. Their language is loud. I hate it.
Father is talking in German to them, my mother is frozen near the stove, rubbing her hands or folding her arms.
Her eyes get grey when she is angry, they are almost black now. I worry when I see that look, it is usually for my benefit when I did something wrong.
They leave satisfied that there is nothing here and they did not like this house to move into.
My father, a cop, (without weapons during the war) must have done some fast talking. He knows them, he was 7 when they invaded Belgium and his father was taken as a prisoner, leaving his mother with 8 children and no food.
He had learned early to steal in their camp and bring food home. He knew too much about them.
The day at the nursing home, the lawyer, the doctor, now the beginning of the movie and I was, am still, a total wreck. While this is going on in my old head my child is having issues in her marriage and can't stop crying.
I go to bed wondering why I had to stay alive, I was in real danger for so many years, so were my parents. They managed to end their lives in peace and quiet and some contentment.
I just do not like the way mine is going right now. I am fucked up today, plain english just fucked up and fed up.
call yesterday.........he fell, did not get hurt.
Nutritionist talking to us
Alzheimer nurse too
questions about when they will take different measures to get him to eat.
His wish would be not to prolong this and we have the paperwork in order for that.
He is losing 1 1/2 lbs a week now. at 126lbs right now, in march before I broke my ankle he was 145.
They say he is also more violent.
He sat with his eyes closed, looked up slightly from the side of his bowed head and took my hands and held on.
Rubbing his back hurts me, it is all bones sticking out.
He then put his hands on this back as to make a cushion there.
Nurse said he is not in pain, I think he is what does she know.
They had short sleeves on him, he is always wearing long sleeves, he is always cold so we changed him.
He has a new room mate, a luny bin, sorry, named Moe.
I am angry, I am hurting, I do not know how to handle all the emotions right now.
Zack came with us. He is a big boy with a soft heart. It looked like he was afraid to touch this tiny man.
Paper work finally in order, more costs for lawyer.
I am a rag today.
Bobby started to show me the beginning of the film....basterds.
The first scene at the Frenchman's house became my film, the girls looking out from the clothe line and see them coming, the interrogation became my story. I may sound like a drama queen but the film totally changed to me standing there, the house being searched, drawers being opened , men with ugly faces, ugly uniforms, men I had learned to hate.
Me standing there looking at the regulator clock, knowing my dad's gun is in the bonnet of the clock.
If they find that, I was told, we will all die immediately.
My 8 or 9 years have not taught me that I should not stare at danger.
The sound of the boots on our bare wood steps are loud. Their language is loud. I hate it.
Father is talking in German to them, my mother is frozen near the stove, rubbing her hands or folding her arms.
Her eyes get grey when she is angry, they are almost black now. I worry when I see that look, it is usually for my benefit when I did something wrong.
They leave satisfied that there is nothing here and they did not like this house to move into.
My father, a cop, (without weapons during the war) must have done some fast talking. He knows them, he was 7 when they invaded Belgium and his father was taken as a prisoner, leaving his mother with 8 children and no food.
He had learned early to steal in their camp and bring food home. He knew too much about them.
The day at the nursing home, the lawyer, the doctor, now the beginning of the movie and I was, am still, a total wreck. While this is going on in my old head my child is having issues in her marriage and can't stop crying.
I go to bed wondering why I had to stay alive, I was in real danger for so many years, so were my parents. They managed to end their lives in peace and quiet and some contentment.
I just do not like the way mine is going right now. I am fucked up today, plain english just fucked up and fed up.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Lunch on Wednesday
an email arrived,
said my friend:
we want you to join us Wednesday for lunch at the cute little inn on Howard street.
We are celebrating.
I answered : Celebrating what?
He answered : Celebrating Wednesdays!
How lucky to have friends who celebrate Wednesdays!!!!!
I love it.
said my friend:
we want you to join us Wednesday for lunch at the cute little inn on Howard street.
We are celebrating.
I answered : Celebrating what?
He answered : Celebrating Wednesdays!
How lucky to have friends who celebrate Wednesdays!!!!!
I love it.
word for the day:
nesting
simplify
painting
hot as hell summer
delay vacation
back to nesting and painting
no time for writing
simplify
painting
hot as hell summer
delay vacation
back to nesting and painting
no time for writing
Monday, July 12, 2010
Cheap entertainment
and I mean cheap.
Big Brother started again.
I know it is the most stupid show around but I was curious who was going to join this year.
It was entertaining (?)this time they have a few people with brains , one guy member of Mensa and another with a PHD etc....then there is a Jewish guy who wears a yarmulke , quite religious and only eats Kosher and will go home quite skinny, I am sure.
Then there is the Vegas girl with boobs much larger than Dolly, she does not need to swim, she floats.
She announces on the first evening:"I am just not a stupid bit boob girl, I have brains too. Oh did you see that we have a Jewish guy here, he is wearing his Yom Kippur.".
OK, she could have called it a mitre .
Sometimes it pays to shut the mouth!!!
Big Brother started again.
I know it is the most stupid show around but I was curious who was going to join this year.
It was entertaining (?)this time they have a few people with brains , one guy member of Mensa and another with a PHD etc....then there is a Jewish guy who wears a yarmulke , quite religious and only eats Kosher and will go home quite skinny, I am sure.
Then there is the Vegas girl with boobs much larger than Dolly, she does not need to swim, she floats.
She announces on the first evening:"I am just not a stupid bit boob girl, I have brains too. Oh did you see that we have a Jewish guy here, he is wearing his Yom Kippur.".
OK, she could have called it a mitre .
Sometimes it pays to shut the mouth!!!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
World Cup 2010
last game
Holland versus Spain
I love them both.
Lived 20 years only 7 km away from Dutch border.
Lived 5 years in Southern Spain.
Hard to pick a fave.
I may be leaning towards Spain, I love the SOUTHERN Spanish people.
Love them Andalucian's.
Buena Suerta!
I will be glued in my seat this afternoon
Holland versus Spain
I love them both.
Lived 20 years only 7 km away from Dutch border.
Lived 5 years in Southern Spain.
Hard to pick a fave.
I may be leaning towards Spain, I love the SOUTHERN Spanish people.
Love them Andalucian's.
Buena Suerta!
I will be glued in my seat this afternoon
Sleeping partner
Hard to get old habits out of the old head.
Wake up in a daze during the night ~as usual~ feel of Bob is still there , yes, i can feel his body against mine. We are OK, he is not up and he is not lost.
Back to deep sleep.
Crack of dawn Bijou decides he has to pee so he licks my face till I wake up.
Dazed I turn around the familiar "body" is replaced by a warm Maltese.
Somehow during my sleep I do not know the difference.
Perhaps that is a good thing as I then continue to have a good night's rest.
Wake up in a daze during the night ~as usual~ feel of Bob is still there , yes, i can feel his body against mine. We are OK, he is not up and he is not lost.
Back to deep sleep.
Crack of dawn Bijou decides he has to pee so he licks my face till I wake up.
Dazed I turn around the familiar "body" is replaced by a warm Maltese.
Somehow during my sleep I do not know the difference.
Perhaps that is a good thing as I then continue to have a good night's rest.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
A good day
't was a good day today, I ran around smiling, forgetting most of the time that I limp a bit. Forgetting the ouch now and then and just writing and smiling.
Saw the game Germany~Spain.
You can guess who I rooted for.
They won!
Now Sunday the finals for first and second place : Holland and Spain
I am fond of both places.
Growing up 7 km from the border and then having 5 great years at the Costa del Sol, Spain.
Even the very very poor kids in our village would kick around a "football" as they called it. You don't need thousands of dollars in equipment to hone that sport.
So either one who wins I will be happy with. A nice position to be in.
Now what made me smile again all day?
a nice letter from my friend LM.
An invitation for lunch on Friday with C and L.
A cool office. Thanks to the portable A C,
trying not to think about the electric bill it will bring.
Bobby in very good spirits. Love that kid, well, "man".
On to bed!
Saw the game Germany~Spain.
You can guess who I rooted for.
They won!
Now Sunday the finals for first and second place : Holland and Spain
I am fond of both places.
Growing up 7 km from the border and then having 5 great years at the Costa del Sol, Spain.
Even the very very poor kids in our village would kick around a "football" as they called it. You don't need thousands of dollars in equipment to hone that sport.
So either one who wins I will be happy with. A nice position to be in.
Now what made me smile again all day?
a nice letter from my friend LM.
An invitation for lunch on Friday with C and L.
A cool office. Thanks to the portable A C,
trying not to think about the electric bill it will bring.
Bobby in very good spirits. Love that kid, well, "man".
On to bed!
Visit to Shuller
Yesterday was not a fun day.
I kept putting it off.
Went to Funeral Parlor and made arrangements for Bob. Since I and him wanted nothing but cremation I told Mr.Shuller that he was not going to make money on us. I was right his lowest package deal for cremation was something like 2800.00 , we only needed 1100.00 of his services.
He is the best man, he is kind, does not push you on anything and he took care of our Ari a few years ago. He is a Southern Gentleman. I think he is Southern. Oh well.
It was noon when we left, I am not a drinker and I wanted a stiff drink.
Instead I did what I do better, ate and went shopping.
I spent too much but that the hay.
I have to have a couple of vices.
Still if I had been near my friend L I would have had a few glasses of wine and cheese and just been under the table in no time. I am a cheap drunk.
She is now in Mass.
Old Bob was having a class and we peaked in the glass door , he sat sound asleep in his chair. He thought it was all boring I am sure. We left, we did not want to wake him or disturb the class.
We saw him and that is what matters as he does not remember us.
Back to my old hobby.
During the hippy time, late sixties, we lived in California and had a shop.
Bob, his friend Allen and I we knotted beads until our fingers were raw~slight exaggeration here~ so I am going to get back at it. My new~old hobby.
So I needed equipment. when did I need a magnifying glass with a light no less? They have a special tool to knot now???Where was that in 1968?
Walk into Michaels one day and see the beads. Pure heaven! My favorites since I went to Venice in 1969 are the milifiori ones (one thousand flowers) glass beads. Now you can make your own in resin and classes are everywhere.
Who would have thought?
So it will be a new adventure.
I am no longer looking to sell anything but if I get a surplus I can always give them to the thrift stores.
First I have tons to repair of my own collection.
Walking yesterday without a cane (I did forget it) and shoes , was a new experience. The shoes not so hot, the equilibrium a lot better, the swelling not as bad as a week ago. We are getting along just swell (remember that word?) my ankle and I. I am happy with the handsome Dr. Bones.
Honestly, he has a silk shirt on and silk tie and always admired Sabrina's jewelry. I am there and forget my questions, one can be 78 but still enjoy looking at a gorgeous man.
Time to put the AC on, it is getting warm in here.
I kept putting it off.
Went to Funeral Parlor and made arrangements for Bob. Since I and him wanted nothing but cremation I told Mr.Shuller that he was not going to make money on us. I was right his lowest package deal for cremation was something like 2800.00 , we only needed 1100.00 of his services.
He is the best man, he is kind, does not push you on anything and he took care of our Ari a few years ago. He is a Southern Gentleman. I think he is Southern. Oh well.
It was noon when we left, I am not a drinker and I wanted a stiff drink.
Instead I did what I do better, ate and went shopping.
I spent too much but that the hay.
I have to have a couple of vices.
Still if I had been near my friend L I would have had a few glasses of wine and cheese and just been under the table in no time. I am a cheap drunk.
She is now in Mass.
Old Bob was having a class and we peaked in the glass door , he sat sound asleep in his chair. He thought it was all boring I am sure. We left, we did not want to wake him or disturb the class.
We saw him and that is what matters as he does not remember us.
Back to my old hobby.
During the hippy time, late sixties, we lived in California and had a shop.
Bob, his friend Allen and I we knotted beads until our fingers were raw~slight exaggeration here~ so I am going to get back at it. My new~old hobby.
So I needed equipment. when did I need a magnifying glass with a light no less? They have a special tool to knot now???Where was that in 1968?
Walk into Michaels one day and see the beads. Pure heaven! My favorites since I went to Venice in 1969 are the milifiori ones (one thousand flowers) glass beads. Now you can make your own in resin and classes are everywhere.
Who would have thought?
So it will be a new adventure.
I am no longer looking to sell anything but if I get a surplus I can always give them to the thrift stores.
First I have tons to repair of my own collection.
Walking yesterday without a cane (I did forget it) and shoes , was a new experience. The shoes not so hot, the equilibrium a lot better, the swelling not as bad as a week ago. We are getting along just swell (remember that word?) my ankle and I. I am happy with the handsome Dr. Bones.
Honestly, he has a silk shirt on and silk tie and always admired Sabrina's jewelry. I am there and forget my questions, one can be 78 but still enjoy looking at a gorgeous man.
Time to put the AC on, it is getting warm in here.
Monday, July 5, 2010
4th of July or are we the 5th
I am going to be a wreck all week to figure out what day it is.
OK so it is Monday and the garbage did get picked up but no mail.
Got it!Etched it in my brain!
Tomorrow Tuesday and out day with Sabrina , more paper work to be done.
Hair cut too. Visit with Bob.
I am getting antsy about the trip to Destin. It will be with a lot of young people, should be fun. The rule is no talk about politics nor religion.
We all have different ideas there ,so it is better to have fun and leave discussions for another time.
Will there be oil on the beach is another matter. There is oil in Pensacola.
Not that far away. The young grandsons have plans to go and help, daughter who bosses me quite a bit said I am to stay put and enjoy the beach even from the porch of the house. Rest the leg, rest the ankle, do not fall again!!!
Orders, orders, orders.
The 4th was mighty quiet here in our cottage but I am starting to like it that way.
I am upset about my nightmares , then I do not sleep well and have to play catch up during the day.
My guru spiritual friend from the 1980.s was a no nonsense Brit and he told me that dreams were "rubbish".
But, I have to wonder why I keep dreaming of the sky full of airplanes, it is almost covering all the blue and the clouds. I am watching with people and I tell them all to hide in ditches.
Often it follows with parachutes and strange looking people coming to great us, some nights they are friendly, some night they want to kill us.
I am always frightened and shivering and wake up being terrified.
This has been going on for several months now.
Of course I have lived this several times as a child, the planes did come very low to hit the electrical plant and I was trained to run in a ditch when outdoors.
Could this come back up after all these years?
It is mixed with another dream , I have had that one for years now.
I am packing, often stuff we carried in the shop (did we not pack every week end for the shows?) then I have to get on a plane, a car, a van, a train, and I always miss it. No money, lost my tickets, Bob is sick, have too much stuff (that's for sure) I just cant get home and I am crushed and do not know how to solve it all.
Perhaps the mess left in Bob's hoarding studio is coming alive in my dream.
I dont know but I am sure not happy about these 2 in particular.
Almost always Bob is ill with Alzheimer.
It can't leave me even in my sleep.
C.B.said Rubbish Rubbish
is he right?
OK so it is Monday and the garbage did get picked up but no mail.
Got it!Etched it in my brain!
Tomorrow Tuesday and out day with Sabrina , more paper work to be done.
Hair cut too. Visit with Bob.
I am getting antsy about the trip to Destin. It will be with a lot of young people, should be fun. The rule is no talk about politics nor religion.
We all have different ideas there ,so it is better to have fun and leave discussions for another time.
Will there be oil on the beach is another matter. There is oil in Pensacola.
Not that far away. The young grandsons have plans to go and help, daughter who bosses me quite a bit said I am to stay put and enjoy the beach even from the porch of the house. Rest the leg, rest the ankle, do not fall again!!!
Orders, orders, orders.
The 4th was mighty quiet here in our cottage but I am starting to like it that way.
I am upset about my nightmares , then I do not sleep well and have to play catch up during the day.
My guru spiritual friend from the 1980.s was a no nonsense Brit and he told me that dreams were "rubbish".
But, I have to wonder why I keep dreaming of the sky full of airplanes, it is almost covering all the blue and the clouds. I am watching with people and I tell them all to hide in ditches.
Often it follows with parachutes and strange looking people coming to great us, some nights they are friendly, some night they want to kill us.
I am always frightened and shivering and wake up being terrified.
This has been going on for several months now.
Of course I have lived this several times as a child, the planes did come very low to hit the electrical plant and I was trained to run in a ditch when outdoors.
Could this come back up after all these years?
It is mixed with another dream , I have had that one for years now.
I am packing, often stuff we carried in the shop (did we not pack every week end for the shows?) then I have to get on a plane, a car, a van, a train, and I always miss it. No money, lost my tickets, Bob is sick, have too much stuff (that's for sure) I just cant get home and I am crushed and do not know how to solve it all.
Perhaps the mess left in Bob's hoarding studio is coming alive in my dream.
I dont know but I am sure not happy about these 2 in particular.
Almost always Bob is ill with Alzheimer.
It can't leave me even in my sleep.
C.B.said Rubbish Rubbish
is he right?
Monday, June 28, 2010
World Cup 2010
Of course we now know that some ref's are blind or heaven for bid prejudiced.
The goal for the Brits was there for all to see except for the side liner and the ref.
Come on!!!!These guys have so much power. In hockey the men upstairs sit and judge the videos sometimes for 10 minutes before they give it a call.
No one has to check the soccer ref's.
Their word is gold.
Of course the Brits would have lost anyway, the Germans are young and full of fight to get what they want.
Enough said.
OK so I have some prejudices.
England did not play up to par but I think the USA is getting better and better. It is time that we consider this a great sport. Teach the young ones and they do in my Peter school. Amen to that!!! I for myself see little skills in the huge padded men who try and face each other in combat over a ball.
If you are 290 lbs you may be able to push someone around very quickly,
if you are a giant you may be able to put any ball in a basket.
I do not know much about the last named games but I see logic in my argument. Love soccer.
Love hockey because as son said it takes enormous skills to be able to play it well.
The goal for the Brits was there for all to see except for the side liner and the ref.
Come on!!!!These guys have so much power. In hockey the men upstairs sit and judge the videos sometimes for 10 minutes before they give it a call.
No one has to check the soccer ref's.
Their word is gold.
Of course the Brits would have lost anyway, the Germans are young and full of fight to get what they want.
Enough said.
OK so I have some prejudices.
England did not play up to par but I think the USA is getting better and better. It is time that we consider this a great sport. Teach the young ones and they do in my Peter school. Amen to that!!! I for myself see little skills in the huge padded men who try and face each other in combat over a ball.
If you are 290 lbs you may be able to push someone around very quickly,
if you are a giant you may be able to put any ball in a basket.
I do not know much about the last named games but I see logic in my argument. Love soccer.
Love hockey because as son said it takes enormous skills to be able to play it well.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
USA lost and sad was I
but I must say that they did their very best, if it had not been for dumb refs
and stolen goals we would still be in the game. It is what it is.
A very hard game to judge is soccer.
Different interpretations and acting. How easy for some to just pretend they are badly hurt so the opponent will get a yellow card. Or a red one as with Kaka who has to sit out a game with a red card he did not deserve. He is the next Pele!!Should still be there with his team.
So I am waiting now with coffee and cookies in hand to view England ~Germany. Ok so you can guess who I want to win.
The German team is brutal, very young too, wonder how they put together such young lads for this but play they can.
England has been too slow to make big waves not to say anything about a goal he "gave" us. (think it was Green the goalie) .
So I am waiting for the big win, go go England or I will for sure pout all day.
and stolen goals we would still be in the game. It is what it is.
A very hard game to judge is soccer.
Different interpretations and acting. How easy for some to just pretend they are badly hurt so the opponent will get a yellow card. Or a red one as with Kaka who has to sit out a game with a red card he did not deserve. He is the next Pele!!Should still be there with his team.
So I am waiting now with coffee and cookies in hand to view England ~Germany. Ok so you can guess who I want to win.
The German team is brutal, very young too, wonder how they put together such young lads for this but play they can.
England has been too slow to make big waves not to say anything about a goal he "gave" us. (think it was Green the goalie) .
So I am waiting for the big win, go go England or I will for sure pout all day.
Full day and Fun too
Sabrina and Zack came over on a mission. When she shows up in the old truck she does mean business.
That girl can do anything a man can do.
She came to fix the gazebo.
It had been my joy last year, cost me a lot of money , near 400, that is like 4000 in other people's money.
People who can have a good paying job.
I am now the guest of the social security system.
Anyway, we took off the side netting when winter came , it was so sturdy that we left the top on. BIG mistake!
The big snow storm came and broke the
roof, tarp and heavy metal bars.
Finding another 400 was out of the question so I gave up.
Not my Sabrina./ She came with a huge commercial tarp and pvc pipes and reconstructed the roof with the help of
her son Zack (a giant at 14) and my son.
Is it deliciously pretty? No, is it deliciously usable, hell yes!!!!!
I am delighted, I will sit there and read many hours with mosquito killing odors around moi.
While Bob worked on it we went to visit old Bob. He sat in a chair. Head down low. He smiled. I fed him a bit of ice cream. He fell asleep on Sabrina's chest and looked in peace.
Nurse said he lost 10 lbs since he has been there. We figured he lost about 8 in the last 2 weeks, they are not saying.
Rubbing his back is rubbing bones, no fat, Oddly for a man who was never overweight he has a bit of a tummy. Rest is bones. His legs are small and he does not run around the halls like he did 2 weeks ago.
I can't stay away, going back today if daughter Rhonda comes.
Yet to see him that way is pure torture to me. Torture of the heart.
When we returned home Sabrina said she needed more PVC pipes so while she went to Lowes son told her to check out portable A/C units.
Later he ordered her to buy one.
That was a challenge as none of our windows lend themselves so have a pipe sticking out. Bob covered a screen with insulation and cut the hole to fit the pipe and in business we were.
We went from 81 to 76 in a few hours.
It is for my office and it will do very well. I am in 7th heaven as my breathing is difficult in this humid , hot, old house. Bobby too has difficulty with heat so did old Bob but he is in a cool place now.
So it was some day!!!
I went to bed with a smile on my face.
I am sad, yes, that is natural, but think of the crew I have taking care of me.
How lucky is that? How fantastic is that?
How I love them for watching over me like little hawks.
Maybe big hawks.
That girl can do anything a man can do.
She came to fix the gazebo.
It had been my joy last year, cost me a lot of money , near 400, that is like 4000 in other people's money.
People who can have a good paying job.
I am now the guest of the social security system.
Anyway, we took off the side netting when winter came , it was so sturdy that we left the top on. BIG mistake!
The big snow storm came and broke the
roof, tarp and heavy metal bars.
Finding another 400 was out of the question so I gave up.
Not my Sabrina./ She came with a huge commercial tarp and pvc pipes and reconstructed the roof with the help of
her son Zack (a giant at 14) and my son.
Is it deliciously pretty? No, is it deliciously usable, hell yes!!!!!
I am delighted, I will sit there and read many hours with mosquito killing odors around moi.
While Bob worked on it we went to visit old Bob. He sat in a chair. Head down low. He smiled. I fed him a bit of ice cream. He fell asleep on Sabrina's chest and looked in peace.
Nurse said he lost 10 lbs since he has been there. We figured he lost about 8 in the last 2 weeks, they are not saying.
Rubbing his back is rubbing bones, no fat, Oddly for a man who was never overweight he has a bit of a tummy. Rest is bones. His legs are small and he does not run around the halls like he did 2 weeks ago.
I can't stay away, going back today if daughter Rhonda comes.
Yet to see him that way is pure torture to me. Torture of the heart.
When we returned home Sabrina said she needed more PVC pipes so while she went to Lowes son told her to check out portable A/C units.
Later he ordered her to buy one.
That was a challenge as none of our windows lend themselves so have a pipe sticking out. Bob covered a screen with insulation and cut the hole to fit the pipe and in business we were.
We went from 81 to 76 in a few hours.
It is for my office and it will do very well. I am in 7th heaven as my breathing is difficult in this humid , hot, old house. Bobby too has difficulty with heat so did old Bob but he is in a cool place now.
So it was some day!!!
I went to bed with a smile on my face.
I am sad, yes, that is natural, but think of the crew I have taking care of me.
How lucky is that? How fantastic is that?
How I love them for watching over me like little hawks.
Maybe big hawks.
Friday, June 25, 2010
lunch with friends part two
Did not want to go.
Had vertigo (self imposed?)
did not want to sit there with long face.
Had a hard time being jolly.
Started out by asking them about their last trip to New England.
I got a bit out of them :It was misty and cold for 4 days!
Then I said : Do not ask me about the kids or anything , Bob not doing very well but that can change again.
So besides that lets talk about fun stuff like my new hobby shaping up very slowly in going back to knotting all my antique necklaces which need repairs.
Ordered the pliers and went to Michaels overwhelmed by the offers of gorgeous beads but the heart is ticking a bit faster if I can resume some of this work which I have not done in 40 years.
Beads are in!!!!
I love beads !!!!
So we turned the luncheon in fun stuff and I am glad I went.
Deb, you helped me with that, seriously!!!
Rhonda said she will come Sunday to go see daddy and I said after England~Germany game around noon!!!
My British facebook pal wrote:
The cup is like WW2
France gave up very early.
The yanks came in late and we are stuck taking on the Germans.
lmao
Had vertigo (self imposed?)
did not want to sit there with long face.
Had a hard time being jolly.
Started out by asking them about their last trip to New England.
I got a bit out of them :It was misty and cold for 4 days!
Then I said : Do not ask me about the kids or anything , Bob not doing very well but that can change again.
So besides that lets talk about fun stuff like my new hobby shaping up very slowly in going back to knotting all my antique necklaces which need repairs.
Ordered the pliers and went to Michaels overwhelmed by the offers of gorgeous beads but the heart is ticking a bit faster if I can resume some of this work which I have not done in 40 years.
Beads are in!!!!
I love beads !!!!
So we turned the luncheon in fun stuff and I am glad I went.
Deb, you helped me with that, seriously!!!
Rhonda said she will come Sunday to go see daddy and I said after England~Germany game around noon!!!
My British facebook pal wrote:
The cup is like WW2
France gave up very early.
The yanks came in late and we are stuck taking on the Germans.
lmao
lunch with friends
Lunch today with my good friends L and C, problem is they are the silent ones.
I go blah blah blah for the 2 hours and today is not a good day to go blah blah blah.
I want to stop the nonsense of hurting so much over Bob's condition and want not to share this again and again.
It is boring at best.
No one can help so what is the use?
Hate it that I am such a talker and open my life to anyone.
I want to be the silent type for awhile, it aint going to happen I know.
I have tears sitting ready at the tip of my eyelids and I do not want that anymore either. I have cried way too much, gives you wrinkles too.
The heat does not help, each dog finds a fan to sit in front, the cat sits in he bathtub that should tell us something.
The daily promised thunderstorms are storming in some other county so I have to water the jungle and the mosquitoes have me for lunch. Boy are they hungry!
Reading the new book on Taylor and Burton, so much drinking in there I am beginning to wish I could drink.
Of course, if I do, the psoriasis becomes my skin landscape so is it worth it?
Almost!!!
Going to try and be all joy for lunch.
Truly I will try my best.
Maybe I have a glass of wine, oops, can't do that they always treat and I can't get the check EVER.
I go blah blah blah for the 2 hours and today is not a good day to go blah blah blah.
I want to stop the nonsense of hurting so much over Bob's condition and want not to share this again and again.
It is boring at best.
No one can help so what is the use?
Hate it that I am such a talker and open my life to anyone.
I want to be the silent type for awhile, it aint going to happen I know.
I have tears sitting ready at the tip of my eyelids and I do not want that anymore either. I have cried way too much, gives you wrinkles too.
The heat does not help, each dog finds a fan to sit in front, the cat sits in he bathtub that should tell us something.
The daily promised thunderstorms are storming in some other county so I have to water the jungle and the mosquitoes have me for lunch. Boy are they hungry!
Reading the new book on Taylor and Burton, so much drinking in there I am beginning to wish I could drink.
Of course, if I do, the psoriasis becomes my skin landscape so is it worth it?
Almost!!!
Going to try and be all joy for lunch.
Truly I will try my best.
Maybe I have a glass of wine, oops, can't do that they always treat and I can't get the check EVER.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Solo visit
Took a taxi to and fro.
I just could not stay away from the
nursing home.
I thought he'd eat for me.
He ate a few bites of veggies mush.
He ate the banana I brought.
He held my hand or arm the whole time.
Then he motioned for him to go with me. I said :Sorry , you have to stay here, this is home now but I come back tomorrow. He nodded.
He could hardly walk, he is too weak.
He walked to a wheel chair and sat down.
He did not even look back when I left.'
The whole week it has been one of tears. I so want to bring him home but I am wise enough that is no longer an option.
I am glad I went and at least got a banana in him.
He does not want to drink either.
If it is all about me then I would say it all sucks and I am crushed.
If it is all about him then I would say no one should have to wait for death in such a condition for all these years.
The only consolation is that he is not in pain, at least it does not appear so but then would he know what pain is???
I just could not stay away from the
nursing home.
I thought he'd eat for me.
He ate a few bites of veggies mush.
He ate the banana I brought.
He held my hand or arm the whole time.
Then he motioned for him to go with me. I said :Sorry , you have to stay here, this is home now but I come back tomorrow. He nodded.
He could hardly walk, he is too weak.
He walked to a wheel chair and sat down.
He did not even look back when I left.'
The whole week it has been one of tears. I so want to bring him home but I am wise enough that is no longer an option.
I am glad I went and at least got a banana in him.
He does not want to drink either.
If it is all about me then I would say it all sucks and I am crushed.
If it is all about him then I would say no one should have to wait for death in such a condition for all these years.
The only consolation is that he is not in pain, at least it does not appear so but then would he know what pain is???
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
the dish drain and pillows
I had that dish drain forever, white plastic it had served me well, in fact it still looked OK except for the little feet started to peel and hence get rusty.
I felt frivolous and wanted a stainless steel one, so Walmart it was.
Came home and placed it nicely on the side of the sink and felt really pleased , it does not take much to get me pleased.
Then the cloud came, that cloud that has been over my head for so long now.
The memory cloud.
I looked again at the sink and thought :"Bob, you will never see the new drain, you would have loved it. You liked it when I got new gadgets that fit in our lives and made life better".
I started to weep, I could not stop, all because Bob would not see the shiny new drain and he would have loved to put the dishes in there.
Sorry,so sorry, you are already missing changes in the house.
The bed now has 2 dozen fancy pillows on them, you would have done some
growling if you had to move all that.
When I go to bed I put them all in order in the easy chair. It looks like a pillow shop in the corner and I smile, I am well pleased with this new arrangement.
I would not have done it if you were here.
So what is the difference?
I want you to see the new item in the sink but afraid to show you the pillow pile up in the bedroom.
One thought is nostalgia the other (I guess) is about the new freedom.
Still if I could put the clock back......
I would let Bijou chew up all the pillows and smile at the rascal.
How I miss you, oh, how I miss you.
I felt frivolous and wanted a stainless steel one, so Walmart it was.
Came home and placed it nicely on the side of the sink and felt really pleased , it does not take much to get me pleased.
Then the cloud came, that cloud that has been over my head for so long now.
The memory cloud.
I looked again at the sink and thought :"Bob, you will never see the new drain, you would have loved it. You liked it when I got new gadgets that fit in our lives and made life better".
I started to weep, I could not stop, all because Bob would not see the shiny new drain and he would have loved to put the dishes in there.
Sorry,so sorry, you are already missing changes in the house.
The bed now has 2 dozen fancy pillows on them, you would have done some
growling if you had to move all that.
When I go to bed I put them all in order in the easy chair. It looks like a pillow shop in the corner and I smile, I am well pleased with this new arrangement.
I would not have done it if you were here.
So what is the difference?
I want you to see the new item in the sink but afraid to show you the pillow pile up in the bedroom.
One thought is nostalgia the other (I guess) is about the new freedom.
Still if I could put the clock back......
I would let Bijou chew up all the pillows and smile at the rascal.
How I miss you, oh, how I miss you.
World Cup relief.
For about 90 minutes I forget the world and check out the little figures in the giant field of soccer.
I did not remember how much I had enjoyed this in my youth.
We followed the club at work, all volunteers who were older for the most part and just did not run or kick that well. Most of the time we got clabbered.
Mom who worked in bookkeeping took charge of busses to go to and fro.
We called "amicale". Friendship.
I was a puppy , the youngest on staff as a phone operator and some extra typing.
I loved the trips, since mom sat up front to direct driver and anyone in her site I would scamper to the back where the loud ones were and I enjoyed the merriment and growing up around men for a change.
Old Bob did not like sports, he was an artist above all else. Loved walking and just look at the trees, leaves, flowers, and anything that was nature.
Hated violence of any kind and he found there was too much violence in sports.
Now being alone I suddenly returned to my love of the soccer sport.
I called it football, of course.
THE USA has become better and better at it. Proof is in the pudding, even 2 goals were stolen from us, so far, in the cup by "blind" refs, even so we go on to the next level and I shall have my front row seat in the living room with earphones on not missing a beat, I hope.
I did not remember how much I had enjoyed this in my youth.
We followed the club at work, all volunteers who were older for the most part and just did not run or kick that well. Most of the time we got clabbered.
Mom who worked in bookkeeping took charge of busses to go to and fro.
We called "amicale". Friendship.
I was a puppy , the youngest on staff as a phone operator and some extra typing.
I loved the trips, since mom sat up front to direct driver and anyone in her site I would scamper to the back where the loud ones were and I enjoyed the merriment and growing up around men for a change.
Old Bob did not like sports, he was an artist above all else. Loved walking and just look at the trees, leaves, flowers, and anything that was nature.
Hated violence of any kind and he found there was too much violence in sports.
Now being alone I suddenly returned to my love of the soccer sport.
I called it football, of course.
THE USA has become better and better at it. Proof is in the pudding, even 2 goals were stolen from us, so far, in the cup by "blind" refs, even so we go on to the next level and I shall have my front row seat in the living room with earphones on not missing a beat, I hope.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
World cup
I still call it football, youth memories are sometimes hard to forget.
I was an avid fan of the Gantoise, the football club par excellence (I thought so) in my gorgeous Gent, Belgium.
Oh that was 6 decades ago , when I could still jump up and down when we made a goal.
When we loved to hate the Brits (they were so good at it ) but most of all they would come across the channel on international games and trash the trains, bars and restaurants. They were nicknamed "The hooligans".
Some of us (like frightened girls) did not want to be near them so we did not try and go to international matches.
I for sure did not go looking for trouble because I knew that then at home more BIG trouble would await me.
So why do I all of a sudden become involved with the world cup?
I am not sure but I had the best time yesterday to watch England~USA.
The fact that we were "given" a goal by clumsy Greene should not diminish the great work on the field by the Americans. I was surprised. The goalie was like a Superman, jumped high and low, continued to work with a broken rib and a pain shot at half time.
America is becoming aware BIG TIME of a sport we call soccer.
I was so surprised to find the joy in watching. Did I watch other Cup's before this? No! Why not?I asked myself and then the answer came.
Bob was not interested.
Did I become so much a part of him?
We just blended like a very tightly woven rope.
BUT????did I give up totally to fit in the blend???
Now that I am riding solo in this new road of mine do I find myself again?
Is this good or bad?
I have not a clue anymore as I am not sure who I am at this point.
Meanwhile I am watching the clock I do want to see Germany's game at 2.30.
Don't guess who I am rooting for.
Before "BoB" I thought I was an artist, albeit a poor one, I thought I was very creative. Over the shower I painted a mama elephant showering her baby.
The girls were small did not know good from bad, they adored it.
Running a Bazar with the Episcopalians (yes, I was that too for awhile) I did all the art work.
The old ladies adored me for it.
then came Bob who giggled himself silly over the elephants and my artistic
vein dried up. I truly in my soul thought I was no longer artistic, perhaps in the kitchen as I can cook and he made soup you ate with a knife. I stood my ground there.
I remind you that I had a wonderful marriage. No question. He treated me like a queen until he lost his mind.
Do I have regrets of the loss of "self", no cause I did not know it and now I am finding , very slowly, the young girl and woman from the past.
Not that bad, leave me be I need to see soccer...oh pardonnez moi , football
I was an avid fan of the Gantoise, the football club par excellence (I thought so) in my gorgeous Gent, Belgium.
Oh that was 6 decades ago , when I could still jump up and down when we made a goal.
When we loved to hate the Brits (they were so good at it ) but most of all they would come across the channel on international games and trash the trains, bars and restaurants. They were nicknamed "The hooligans".
Some of us (like frightened girls) did not want to be near them so we did not try and go to international matches.
I for sure did not go looking for trouble because I knew that then at home more BIG trouble would await me.
So why do I all of a sudden become involved with the world cup?
I am not sure but I had the best time yesterday to watch England~USA.
The fact that we were "given" a goal by clumsy Greene should not diminish the great work on the field by the Americans. I was surprised. The goalie was like a Superman, jumped high and low, continued to work with a broken rib and a pain shot at half time.
America is becoming aware BIG TIME of a sport we call soccer.
I was so surprised to find the joy in watching. Did I watch other Cup's before this? No! Why not?I asked myself and then the answer came.
Bob was not interested.
Did I become so much a part of him?
We just blended like a very tightly woven rope.
BUT????did I give up totally to fit in the blend???
Now that I am riding solo in this new road of mine do I find myself again?
Is this good or bad?
I have not a clue anymore as I am not sure who I am at this point.
Meanwhile I am watching the clock I do want to see Germany's game at 2.30.
Don't guess who I am rooting for.
Before "BoB" I thought I was an artist, albeit a poor one, I thought I was very creative. Over the shower I painted a mama elephant showering her baby.
The girls were small did not know good from bad, they adored it.
Running a Bazar with the Episcopalians (yes, I was that too for awhile) I did all the art work.
The old ladies adored me for it.
then came Bob who giggled himself silly over the elephants and my artistic
vein dried up. I truly in my soul thought I was no longer artistic, perhaps in the kitchen as I can cook and he made soup you ate with a knife. I stood my ground there.
I remind you that I had a wonderful marriage. No question. He treated me like a queen until he lost his mind.
Do I have regrets of the loss of "self", no cause I did not know it and now I am finding , very slowly, the young girl and woman from the past.
Not that bad, leave me be I need to see soccer...oh pardonnez moi , football
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