Saturday, December 26, 2009

catching up

It has been awhile since I blogged.

This was and is a blog about my experiences as a 24/7 caregiver to my husband who has Alzheimer.

We are entering the 13th year since his diagnoses.
He is healthy of body and the mind is gone to another land.

This past year was my worst year.
Perhaps because I am worn out.
Perhaps because there I am just too tired all the time to fight it.
Perhaps I have not much left to give.
Perhaps I feel to sorry for myself.
Perhaps it is all becoming too much to my own
memory bank and the concerns that amidst being so immersed in a hundred things to remember that I am concerned about being next.

My respite this year was great, 4 days I was gone.
Daughter Sabrina took in old dad and the other two kids helped too.
There was surprise on all fronts about how much attention is needed.

I was invited to a special birthday for a special friend. She lives in Mass.
Her children paid for my trip and off I flew to
the North.
I was surprised to be among people who do not have to watch someone.
I had time to just sit and ponder, have a glass of wine, cheese and just talk with my best friend.
I could sleep as long as I wanted, did not have to wake up and wonder if the other side of the bed was empty.
I could get used to that.

This year there was violence. Unexpected , totally out of character, but there it was.
Aslap on the face, the ear red and in pain and I could not imagine that this little guy did this to me.
Where was my gentle , ever nice to me, husband.
More medication from the VA and it helps a bit but anything (visitors) can set him off.
A light which he thinks should not be on and
the swinging of the arms start.

I have learned what to look for and how to avoid the blows.
He hit son too. Then again he thinks we are strangers.

So why did I not blog?
I just did not want to bring down the whole world with my sour words , tearful phrases, begging for better days.

Having said that , if you are reading this and you are taking care of someone then you know how I feel and you will know you are not alone in this fight for survival.

I keep telling myself that there is life after A.
I do not want to go first, that would cause chaos in my family.
So I started to diet and try and be healthier the hard part is the mental part.
They, meaning, all involved in this illness keep saying that we have to take care of ourselves first.
If we don't too many of us will become ill.
So I am trying.

We had a nice Christmas eve and he looks good in the photos because the new medication also enhences his appetite. So I already had to purchase new pants as the waist was expanding.

I wish all of you a terrific New Year.
May you have peace in your hearts.
May you dream pleasant dreams.
May you have travel to experience the world around you.
May you be healthier than last year.
May you be prosperous.
May you love the job you are in or find the best one yet.
May all your loved ones be there with you and for you.
My list could go on forever but you got the picture
Happy New Year

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