Monday, June 28, 2010

World Cup 2010

Of course we now know that some ref's are blind or heaven for bid prejudiced.
The goal for the Brits was there for all to see except for the side liner and the ref.
Come on!!!!These guys have so much power. In hockey the men upstairs sit and judge the videos sometimes for 10 minutes before they give it a call.
No one has to check the soccer ref's.
Their word is gold.
Of course the Brits would have lost anyway, the Germans are young and full of fight to get what they want.
Enough said.
OK so I have some prejudices.
England did not play up to par but I think the USA is getting better and better. It is time that we consider this a great sport. Teach the young ones and they do in my Peter school. Amen to that!!! I for myself see little skills in the huge padded men who try and face each other in combat over a ball.
If you are 290 lbs you may be able to push someone around very quickly,
if you are a giant you may be able to put any ball in a basket.
I do not know much about the last named games but I see logic in my argument. Love soccer.
Love hockey because as son said it takes enormous skills to be able to play it well.

Sabrina's handy work!!!!

Gazebo fixed for another summer!!!!Yeah!!!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

USA lost and sad was I

but I must say that they did their very best, if it had not been for dumb refs
and stolen goals we would still be in the game. It is what it is.
A very hard game to judge is soccer.
Different interpretations and acting. How easy for some to just pretend they are badly hurt so the opponent will get a yellow card. Or a red one as with Kaka who has to sit out a game with a red card he did not deserve. He is the next Pele!!Should still be there with his team.
So I am waiting now with coffee and cookies in hand to view England ~Germany. Ok so you can guess who I want to win.
The German team is brutal, very young too, wonder how they put together such young lads for this but play they can.
England has been too slow to make big waves not to say anything about a goal he "gave" us. (think it was Green the goalie) .
So I am waiting for the big win, go go England or I will for sure pout all day.

Full day and Fun too

Sabrina and Zack came over on a mission. When she shows up in the old truck she does mean business.
That girl can do anything a man can do.
She came to fix the gazebo.
It had been my joy last year, cost me a lot of money , near 400, that is like 4000 in other people's money.
People who can have a good paying job.
I am now the guest of the social security system.
Anyway, we took off the side netting when winter came , it was so sturdy that we left the top on. BIG mistake!
The big snow storm came and broke the
roof, tarp and heavy metal bars.
Finding another 400 was out of the question so I gave up.
Not my Sabrina./ She came with a huge commercial tarp and pvc pipes and reconstructed the roof with the help of
her son Zack (a giant at 14) and my son.
Is it deliciously pretty? No, is it deliciously usable, hell yes!!!!!
I am delighted, I will sit there and read many hours with mosquito killing odors around moi.
While Bob worked on it we went to visit old Bob. He sat in a chair. Head down low. He smiled. I fed him a bit of ice cream. He fell asleep on Sabrina's chest and looked in peace.
Nurse said he lost 10 lbs since he has been there. We figured he lost about 8 in the last 2 weeks, they are not saying.
Rubbing his back is rubbing bones, no fat, Oddly for a man who was never overweight he has a bit of a tummy. Rest is bones. His legs are small and he does not run around the halls like he did 2 weeks ago.
I can't stay away, going back today if daughter Rhonda comes.
Yet to see him that way is pure torture to me. Torture of the heart.
When we returned home Sabrina said she needed more PVC pipes so while she went to Lowes son told her to check out portable A/C units.
Later he ordered her to buy one.
That was a challenge as none of our windows lend themselves so have a pipe sticking out. Bob covered a screen with insulation and cut the hole to fit the pipe and in business we were.
We went from 81 to 76 in a few hours.
It is for my office and it will do very well. I am in 7th heaven as my breathing is difficult in this humid , hot, old house. Bobby too has difficulty with heat so did old Bob but he is in a cool place now.
So it was some day!!!
I went to bed with a smile on my face.
I am sad, yes, that is natural, but think of the crew I have taking care of me.
How lucky is that? How fantastic is that?
How I love them for watching over me like little hawks.
Maybe big hawks.

Friday, June 25, 2010

lunch with friends part two

Did not want to go.
Had vertigo (self imposed?)
did not want to sit there with long face.
Had a hard time being jolly.
Started out by asking them about their last trip to New England.
I got a bit out of them :It was misty and cold for 4 days!
Then I said : Do not ask me about the kids or anything , Bob not doing very well but that can change again.
So besides that lets talk about fun stuff like my new hobby shaping up very slowly in going back to knotting all my antique necklaces which need repairs.
Ordered the pliers and went to Michaels overwhelmed by the offers of gorgeous beads but the heart is ticking a bit faster if I can resume some of this work which I have not done in 40 years.
Beads are in!!!!
I love beads !!!!
So we turned the luncheon in fun stuff and I am glad I went.
Deb, you helped me with that, seriously!!!
Rhonda said she will come Sunday to go see daddy and I said after England~Germany game around noon!!!

My British facebook pal wrote:
The cup is like WW2
France gave up very early.
The yanks came in late and we are stuck taking on the Germans.

lunch with friends

Lunch today with my good friends L and C, problem is they are the silent ones.
I go blah blah blah for the 2 hours and today is not a good day to go blah blah blah.
I want to stop the nonsense of hurting so much over Bob's condition and want not to share this again and again.
It is boring at best.
No one can help so what is the use?
Hate it that I am such a talker and open my life to anyone.
I want to be the silent type for awhile, it aint going to happen I know.
I have tears sitting ready at the tip of my eyelids and I do not want that anymore either. I have cried way too much, gives you wrinkles too.
The heat does not help, each dog finds a fan to sit in front, the cat sits in he bathtub that should tell us something.
The daily promised thunderstorms are storming in some other county so I have to water the jungle and the mosquitoes have me for lunch. Boy are they hungry!
Reading the new book on Taylor and Burton, so much drinking in there I am beginning to wish I could drink.
Of course, if I do, the psoriasis becomes my skin landscape so is it worth it?
Going to try and be all joy for lunch.
Truly I will try my best.
Maybe I have a glass of wine, oops, can't do that they always treat and I can't get the check EVER.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Solo visit

Took a taxi to and fro.
I just could not stay away from the
nursing home.
I thought he'd eat for me.
He ate a few bites of veggies mush.
He ate the banana I brought.
He held my hand or arm the whole time.
Then he motioned for him to go with me. I said :Sorry , you have to stay here, this is home now but I come back tomorrow. He nodded.
He could hardly walk, he is too weak.
He walked to a wheel chair and sat down.
He did not even look back when I left.'
The whole week it has been one of tears. I so want to bring him home but I am wise enough that is no longer an option.
I am glad I went and at least got a banana in him.
He does not want to drink either.
If it is all about me then I would say it all sucks and I am crushed.
If it is all about him then I would say no one should have to wait for death in such a condition for all these years.
The only consolation is that he is not in pain, at least it does not appear so but then would he know what pain is???

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

the dish drain and pillows

I had that dish drain forever, white  plastic it had served me well, in fact it still looked OK except for the little feet started to peel and hence get rusty.
I felt frivolous and wanted a stainless steel one, so Walmart it was.
Came home and placed it nicely on the side of the sink and felt really pleased , it does not take much to get me pleased.
Then the cloud came, that cloud that has been over my head for so long now.
The memory cloud.
I looked again at the sink and thought :"Bob, you will never see the new drain, you would have loved it. You liked it when I got new gadgets that fit in our lives and made life better".
I started to weep, I could not stop, all because Bob would not see the shiny new drain and he would have loved to put the dishes in there.
Sorry,so sorry, you are already missing changes in the house.
The bed now has 2 dozen fancy pillows on them, you would have done some
growling if you had to move all that.
When I go to bed I put them all in order in the easy chair. It looks like a pillow shop in the corner and I smile, I am well pleased with this new arrangement.
I would not have done it if you were here.
So what is the difference?
I want you to see the new item in the sink but afraid to show you the pillow pile up in the bedroom.
One thought is nostalgia the other (I guess) is about the new freedom.
Still if I could put the clock back......
I would let Bijou chew up all the pillows and smile at the rascal.
How I miss you, oh, how I miss you.

World Cup relief.

For about 90 minutes I forget the world and check out the little figures in the giant field           of soccer.
I did not remember how much I had enjoyed this in my youth.
We followed the club at work, all volunteers who were older for the most part and just did not run or kick that well. Most of the time we got clabbered.
Mom who worked in bookkeeping took charge of busses to go to and fro.
We called "amicale". Friendship.
I was a puppy , the youngest on staff as a phone operator and some extra typing.
I loved the trips, since mom sat up front to direct driver and anyone in her site I would scamper to the back where the loud ones were and I enjoyed the merriment and growing up around men for a change.
Old Bob did not like sports, he was an artist above all else. Loved walking and just look at the trees, leaves, flowers, and anything that was nature.
Hated violence of any kind and he found there was too much violence in sports.
Now being alone I suddenly returned to my love of the soccer sport.
I called it football, of course.
THE USA has become better and better at it. Proof is in the pudding, even 2 goals were stolen from us, so far, in the cup by "blind" refs, even so we go on to the next level and I shall have my front row seat in the living room with earphones on not missing a beat, I hope.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

World cup

I still call it football, youth memories are sometimes hard to forget.
I was an avid fan of the Gantoise, the football club par excellence (I thought so) in my gorgeous Gent, Belgium.

Oh that was 6 decades ago , when I could still jump up and down when we made a goal.
When we loved to hate the Brits (they were so good at it ) but most of all they would come across the channel on international games and trash the trains, bars and restaurants. They were nicknamed "The hooligans".
Some of us (like frightened girls) did not want to be near them so we did not try and go to international matches.
I for sure did not go looking for trouble because I knew that then at home more BIG trouble would await me.

So why do I all of a sudden become involved with the world cup?
I am not sure but I had the best time yesterday to watch England~USA.
The fact that we were "given" a goal by clumsy Greene should not diminish the great work on the field by the Americans. I was surprised. The goalie was like a Superman, jumped high and low, continued to work with a broken rib and a pain shot at half time.
America is becoming aware BIG TIME of a sport we call soccer.

I was so surprised to find the joy in watching. Did I watch other Cup's before this? No! Why not?I asked myself and then the answer came.
Bob was not interested.
Did I become so much a part of him?
We just blended like a very tightly woven rope.
BUT????did I give up totally to fit in the blend???
Now that I am riding solo in this new road of mine do I find myself again?
Is this good or bad?
I have not a clue anymore as I am not sure who I am at this point.
Meanwhile I am watching the clock I do want to see Germany's game at 2.30.
Don't guess who I am rooting for.

Before "BoB" I thought I was an artist, albeit a poor one, I thought I was very creative. Over the shower I painted a mama elephant showering her baby.
The girls were small did not know good from bad, they adored it.
Running a Bazar with the Episcopalians (yes, I was that too for awhile) I did all the art work.
The old ladies adored me for it.
then came Bob who giggled himself silly over the elephants and my artistic
vein dried up. I truly in my soul thought I was no longer artistic, perhaps in the kitchen as I can cook and he made soup you ate with a knife. I stood my ground there.

I remind you that I had a wonderful marriage. No question. He treated me like a queen until he lost his mind.
Do I have regrets of the loss of "self", no cause I did not know it and now I am finding , very slowly, the young girl and woman from the past.
Not that bad, leave me be I need to see soccer...oh pardonnez moi , football

Friday, June 11, 2010

Fall again? Yup

Walking Bijou in the yard, tripped on whatever , fell flat on my face, well mostly on my left knee (now bleeding) and right hand.
Could not get up as I did not have my cane (foolish me) and can't put the weight on the ankle yet for that job.
So I sat on the pebbled drive way hoping that Bobby will miss me anytime now.
The mosquitoes are out, they had a feast, new fresh blood, they did not even have to dig.
Bijou decided to sit on my lap but soon started to bark at nothing...that got son wondering and the rescue was at hand.
I got my usual lecture, do not go out without a cane. Watch were you are walking.
The ankle was inspected and I am OK,
he washed my knee and put on band aids and all is fine.
I am just a klutz.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Doctors or vultures?

It just amazes me that in a rest home when one is in the final stages of Alzheimer, that all the drs come out of the woodwork to FIX things.

This week it is the hearing.
You know what he would do with hearing aids? You know how hard it would be for him to even hear at this point?
Do you understand Alzheimer patients? They do not want change, they do not want commotion. They want to plug along at the pace they are in for the moment.
They do not remember what it was to hear everything, they do not want the glasses anymore (Bob threw his away ages ago), they most certainly do not want false teeth at this time.
They no longer comprehend!!!!
They no longer care!!!!
Doctors, please know that and if you dont know that you are very ignorant.
If you do know that then you are out to milk Medicare and your fellow Americans.
Do not touch my husband, I mean it.
Do not send me bills like you did this week for tests not covered by Medicare which we did not order either.
For shame.
Understand what an Alzheimer/dementia patient needs are.
Someone to feed them, someone to keep them clean, someone to watch that they do not wander.
Besides that they do not like changes not commotion.
They do not need to hear or see a world they no longer understand, if the teeth are bad feed them baby food, flan, rice pudding, Ensure, milk shakes.
Hug them when you can.
and for heavens sake do not send a psychiatrist like a friend of mine had to pay for.
Keep all the Drs. out of that rest home and give me some caring loving nurses, that is the need for my husband.


Finally some response on the Facebook bullying for grandson. Some one has promised us that it is being taken care off and that we should not worry.

Hope he is right.

No pain BUT

I found the secret to not having pain with my ankle.
I sit all day with the leg up and then hardly any swelling and no pain.
Is that what everyone was telling me when they said "take it easy, slow down"?
OK for how long can I just sit , house is going to fall apart on top of me not counting everything outside that is growing double!!!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

84 years

Yesterday he was 84.
The Gemini did , of course, not remember that.
The girls and I went with sheet cake to the home and had a bit of a private party in a nice cozy room.
When I spotted him he had his head down, nurse told him to look up but he did n't. I lifted his face to kiss him and
he looked like it was too much trouble to look up. His back is bent lower and lower with every visit.
He did enjoy a piece of cake and a banana. I rejoiced, at least this much in his stomach. They now feed him alone in his room, he does not like dining room distractions.
I could not stop crying.
This was the fist birthday away from home. We always had a celebration of some sort and he always like birthdays and Christmas.
All thoughts of how much work and
problems existed when he was home just fly away when I see him.
I just want to pick him up and bring him home. It is not to be.
I have to admit that I can't do that any more. Heck I have problems standing upright with this slow healing ankle.
He is still my best buddy but he does not know it.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Bad week 2

Last week was great for getting hot under the collar with our school systems and the law.
Grandson is 14, he is 6 feet 2 and heavy set. He has had bullies since middle school. This past week he had someone start a fight by hitting on the head with a bottle. He had "enough" so he punched him. Well, even so h did not start the fight that started an ugly ball rolling for both parties.
No longer do w say "boys will be boys".
Fine, thought this was over with when a face shows up on his facebook site.
The face of another 14 year old holding a cocked gun towards the camera with a threat: If you do that again I will kill you.
Something in that vein.
He also had photos of a bunch of riffles and guns and a Confederate flag.
I am sure the weapons belong to his father but to see this on the site was alarming.
It took almost a week before it was taken off the Facebook.
Reports were made to the school principal, the police, the magistrate.
At this point we have been told that it is in the "right hands".
W can only hope.
Grandson who is in advanced math/algebra studies had tests this week and could hardly concentrate.
We can't say again "boys will be boys", we now had Virgina Tech, Columbine, a girl committing suicide over bullies and so on.
No doubt the boy needs help , he was not involved in the original argument and is not even a friend of either my grandson nor the other kid.
The police tell us that it is not a threat if you have a condition if you do that I will do that.
So that makes it ok then????
OK to point a photo with a gun aimed for you to see this as aimed at your face?
Frightened? maybe not but concerned ?
hell , yes. I am.

Bad week

This blog started out mainly for coping with Alzheimer in the family.
That now very familiar title given by the Dr. who found this sort of dementia and it now present in a great deal of families.
The blog was my salvation, mental salvation at a time of great despair.
I had several years of the decline of my best friend , partner, husband , under my belt but my deterioration was slow like his decline and kept creeping in further and further into several mini break downs.
The crying was constant.
I did not ever say why me? or why us?
but I constantly was trying to stop it.
Slow it down. Put my head in the sand at times and figure that I was just exaggerating his behavior.
I tried to avoid giving up the driving because it would be extremely upsetting to him but it would be even worse for me (if I was going to be honest).
I do not drive and so my wings too were going to be cut.
So I started to wonder how to overcome all the emotions, anger, guilt, exhaustion, sorrow, helplessness, loneliness.
There were thousands of "what if"s"
Legal and financial matters became my problem completely and they did not frighten me as much as I was used to take over that part but the future now ~that no longer were there paintings to be finished or restoration to be acquired,~ that part looked very grim.

The ones closest to me who knew I could not afford counseling advised me to write a blog and so I started.

It was a salvation of sorts. It helped ,that and my dose of Lexapro, took off the edge of the despair.

Now we are at the end of the blog?
Now that Bob is in a nursing home is it all finished?
Not at all.
In the last 3 months we have learned tons of the red tape.
It still amazes me that people are so
ill prepared when they KNOW there is a problem.
Talked to someone this week end, my age, husband has been diagnosed with memory loss due to hardening of the veins in the brain.
Dr said : it may go slow and it may go fast.
I said: Of course you have ready:
Your will.
Your power of attorney with someone you trust to handle the finances and the medical situations which may come up.
Have you considered if you want to
be resuscitated or kept on tubes?
What about him and you?
All papers in order?
He is a professional retired navy, did you talk to a social worker at the VA yet? For a professional soldier there is room at the inn if he becomes unable to stay at home. For Bob that option does not exist even if he is a Vet. he was not a professional soldier.
Do you know , I told my friend, that he is able to get a pension.
If he was 90 days in the service during a war, even stationed stateside, even if he never fired a shot, he is eligible and so is the spouse. It is according to your income today,
My friend was flabbergasted.
She had NOTHING in order, not even a will and they own 2 houses!
So right now I get on my soap box and tell all to be ready.
If daughter had not the power of attorney in her hot little hands the day I broke my ankle and she had to hunt for a place for her dad , she would have had problems on hand.
The paperwork for Medicare, for admitting, for survival orders etc...are never ending when you are least able to cope.
I was alert up to a point. After any surgery you are not running on all motors like before. You are somewhat in a daze. I let daughter handle everything and she had the knowledge and the authority to do so.
We did all this 5 years ago when Bob was still able to sign his own papers and had a vague idea what was going on.
I even forgot where I had the papers but what a nice surprise to remember them when we needed them.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Memorial day

I have some catching up to do.
Most of you know my affection for the WW2 vets.
They were a welcome sight in my youth in the Flanders. They were a welcome sight for my grandparents and mother in WW1.
How could I ever forget ????
I try to tell the stories to the young who are willing to listen and not roll their eyes in boredom.
So I did with my grandson Peter and his friend, they wanted to know more and more. We went to the old cemetery and put little flags on the Veterans graves.
Soon the boys were reading names and dates and went looking for others.
It started to sink in.