Saturday, July 31, 2010

after the storm

comes the calm.
I was so angry this morning when I blogged. Now near bed time I am exhausted but in better spirits.
I know that I just can't change the situation.
It is the nature of this disease , the food is of little interest and the afflicted becomes skeleton like.
It is hard to watch, I keep telling myself that if I could have him back home again I could try and feed him more.
To what end? to prolong this horrible state he is in?
How unkind of me.
Do I want him to continue like this, a mere shell of what he was?
Am I crying more for myself or for him?

Good news dept.:
The kids are trying to readjust the marriage, they had a bad bump in the road. I think they can make it work.
28years is long stretch and most of it was good. A relief to my ears today.

Horrible days

It does not get any easier ............
call yesterday.........he fell, did not get hurt.
Nutritionist talking to us
Alzheimer nurse too
questions about when they will take different measures to get him to eat.
His wish would be not to prolong this and we have the paperwork in order for that.
He is losing 1 1/2 lbs a week now. at 126lbs right now, in march before I broke my ankle he was 145.
They say he is also more violent.
He sat with his eyes closed, looked up slightly from the side of his bowed head and took my hands and held on.
Rubbing his back hurts me, it is all bones sticking out.
He then put his hands on this back as to make a cushion there.
Nurse said he is not in pain, I think he is what does she know.
They had short sleeves on him, he is always wearing long sleeves, he is always cold so we changed him.
He has a new room mate, a luny bin, sorry, named Moe.
I am angry, I am hurting, I do not know how to handle all the emotions right now.

Zack came with us. He is a big boy with a soft heart. It looked like he was afraid to touch this tiny man.
Paper work finally in order, more costs for lawyer.
I am a rag today.

Bobby started to show me the beginning of the film....basterds.
The first scene at the Frenchman's house became my film, the girls looking out from the clothe line and see them coming, the interrogation became my story. I may sound like a drama queen but the film totally changed to me standing there, the house being searched, drawers being opened , men with ugly faces, ugly uniforms, men I had learned to hate.
Me standing there looking at the regulator clock, knowing my dad's gun is in the bonnet of the clock.
If they find that, I was told, we will all die immediately.
My 8 or 9 years have not taught me that I should not stare at danger.
The sound of the boots on our bare wood steps are loud. Their language is loud. I hate it.
Father is talking in German to them, my mother is frozen near the stove, rubbing her hands or folding her arms.
Her eyes get grey when she is angry, they are almost black now. I worry when I see that look, it is usually for my benefit when I did something wrong.

They leave satisfied that there is nothing here and they did not like this house to move into.
My father, a cop, (without weapons during the war) must have done some fast talking. He knows them, he was 7 when they invaded Belgium and his father was taken as a prisoner, leaving his mother with 8 children and no food.
He had learned early to steal in their camp and bring food home. He knew too much about them.

The day at the nursing home, the lawyer, the doctor, now the beginning of the movie and I was, am still, a total wreck. While this is going on in my old head my child is having issues in her marriage and can't stop crying.

I go to bed wondering why I had to stay alive, I was in real danger for so many years, so were my parents. They managed to end their lives in peace and quiet and some contentment.
I just do not like the way mine is going right now. I am fucked up today, plain english just fucked up and fed up.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Lunch on Wednesday

an email arrived,
said my friend:
we want you to join us Wednesday for lunch at the cute little inn on Howard street.
 We are celebrating.
I answered : Celebrating what?
He answered : Celebrating Wednesdays!

How lucky to have friends who celebrate Wednesdays!!!!!

I love it.

word for the day:




hot as hell summer

delay vacation

back to nesting and painting

no time for writing

Monday, July 12, 2010

Cheap entertainment

and I mean cheap.
Big Brother started again.
I know it is the most stupid show around but I was curious who was going to join this year.

It was entertaining (?)this time they have a few people with brains , one guy member of Mensa and another with a PHD etc....then there is a Jewish guy who wears a yarmulke , quite religious and only eats Kosher and will go home quite skinny, I am sure.
Then there is the Vegas girl with boobs much larger than Dolly, she does not need to swim, she floats.
She announces on the first evening:"I am just not a stupid bit boob girl, I have brains too. Oh did you see that we have a Jewish guy here, he is wearing his Yom Kippur.".
OK, she could have called it a mitre .

Sometimes it pays to shut the mouth!!!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

World Cup 2010

last game
Holland versus Spain
I love them both.
Lived 20 years only 7 km away from Dutch border.
Lived 5 years in Southern Spain.
Hard to pick a fave.
I may be leaning towards Spain, I love the SOUTHERN Spanish people.
Love them Andalucian's.
Buena Suerta!
I will be glued in my seat this afternoon

Sleeping partner

Hard to get old habits out of the old head.
Wake up in a daze during the night ~as usual~ feel of Bob is still there , yes, i can feel his body against mine. We are OK, he is not up and he is not lost.
Back to deep sleep.
Crack of dawn Bijou decides he has to pee so he licks my face till I wake up.
Dazed I turn around the familiar "body" is replaced by a warm Maltese.
Somehow during my sleep I do not know the difference.
Perhaps that is a good thing as I then continue to have a good night's rest.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

A good day

't was a good day today, I ran around smiling, forgetting most of the time that I limp a bit. Forgetting the ouch now and then and just writing and smiling.
Saw the game Germany~Spain.
You can guess who I rooted for.
They won!
Now Sunday the finals for first and second place : Holland and Spain
I am fond of both places.
Growing up 7 km from the border and then having 5 great years at  the Costa del Sol, Spain.
Even the very very poor kids in our village would kick around a "football" as they called it. You don't need thousands of dollars in equipment to hone that sport.
So either one who wins I will be happy with. A nice position to be in.
Now what made me smile again all day?
a nice letter from my friend LM.
An invitation for lunch on Friday with C and L.
A cool office. Thanks to the portable A C,
trying not to think about the electric bill it will bring.
Bobby in very good spirits. Love that kid, well, "man".
On to bed!

Visit to Shuller

Yesterday was not a fun day.
I kept putting it off.
Went to Funeral Parlor and made arrangements for Bob. Since I and him wanted nothing but cremation I told Mr.Shuller that he was not going to make money on us. I was right his lowest package deal for cremation was something like 2800.00 , we only needed 1100.00 of his services.
He is the best man, he is kind, does not push you on anything and he took care of our Ari a few years ago. He is a Southern Gentleman. I think he is Southern. Oh well.
It was noon when we left, I am not a drinker and I wanted a stiff drink.
Instead I did what I do better, ate and went shopping.
I spent too much but that the hay.
I have to have a couple of vices.
Still if I had been near my friend L I would have had a few glasses of wine and cheese and just been under the table in no time. I am a cheap drunk.
She is now in Mass.

Old Bob was having a class and we peaked in the glass door , he sat sound asleep in his chair. He thought it was all boring I am sure. We left, we did not want to wake him or disturb the class.
We saw him and that is what matters as he does not remember us.

Back to my old hobby.
During the hippy time, late sixties, we lived in California and had a shop.
Bob, his friend Allen and I we knotted beads until our fingers were raw~slight exaggeration here~ so I am going to get back at it. My new~old hobby.
So I needed equipment. when did I need a magnifying glass with a light no less? They have a special tool to knot now???Where was that in 1968?
Walk into Michaels one day and see the beads. Pure heaven! My favorites since I went to Venice in 1969 are the milifiori ones (one thousand flowers) glass beads. Now you can make your own in resin and classes are everywhere.
Who would have thought?
So it will be a new adventure.
I am no longer looking to sell anything but if I get a surplus I can always give them to the thrift stores.
First I have tons to repair of my own collection.

Walking yesterday without a cane (I did forget it) and shoes , was a new experience. The shoes not so hot, the equilibrium a lot better, the swelling not as bad as a week ago. We are getting along just swell (remember that word?) my ankle and I. I am happy with the handsome Dr. Bones.
Honestly, he has a silk shirt on and silk tie and always admired Sabrina's jewelry. I am there and forget my questions, one can be 78 but still enjoy looking at a gorgeous man.
Time to put the AC on, it is getting warm in here.

Monday, July 5, 2010

4th of July or are we the 5th

I am going to be a wreck all week to figure out what day it is.
OK so it is Monday and the garbage did get picked up but no mail.

Got it!Etched it in my brain!
Tomorrow Tuesday and out day with Sabrina , more paper work to be done.
Hair cut too. Visit with Bob.

I am getting antsy about the trip to Destin. It will be with a lot of young people, should be fun. The rule is no talk about politics nor religion.
We all have different ideas there ,so it is better to have fun and leave discussions for another time.
Will there be oil on the beach is another matter. There is oil in Pensacola.
Not that far away. The young grandsons have plans to go and help, daughter who bosses me quite a bit said I am to stay put and enjoy the beach even from the porch of the house. Rest the leg, rest the ankle, do not fall again!!!
Orders, orders, orders.

The 4th was mighty quiet here in our cottage but I am starting to like it that way.

I am upset about my nightmares , then I do not sleep well and have to play catch up during the day.

My guru spiritual friend from the 1980.s was a no nonsense Brit and he told me that dreams were "rubbish".
But, I have to wonder why I keep dreaming of the sky full of airplanes, it is almost covering all the blue and the clouds. I am watching with people and I tell them all to hide in ditches.
Often it follows with parachutes and strange looking people coming to great us, some nights they are friendly, some night they want to kill us.
I am always frightened and shivering and wake up being terrified.
This has been going on for several months now.
Of course I have lived this several times as a child, the planes did come very low to hit the electrical plant and I was trained to run in a ditch when outdoors.
Could this come back up after all these years?
It is mixed with another dream , I have had that one for years now.
I am packing, often stuff we carried in the shop (did we not pack every week end for the shows?) then I have to get on a plane, a car, a van, a train, and I always miss it. No money, lost my tickets, Bob is sick, have too much stuff (that's for sure) I just cant get home and I am crushed and do not know how to solve it all.
Perhaps the mess left in Bob's hoarding studio is coming alive in my dream.
I dont know but I am sure not happy about these 2 in particular.
Almost always Bob is ill with Alzheimer.
It can't leave me even in my sleep.
C.B.said Rubbish Rubbish
is he right?