Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A new life?

This morning I feel like I am on vacation.
No, I have not been drinking and I am not even taking the
recommended inhaler. I am just fine and dandy.

The change as I said before is my free time.
Time to do what I want.
I have not had this in so long.

In fact I always went to work with my husband,
if it was the shop, the shows, or him painting at home, we were
always together.
I liked it that way and so did he.
On occassions he would do an art show on his own and then
I felt strangely free and ran around the house wondering why
this was "fun" . Just to be alone now and then was fun but I
still wanted to see him with open arms when he returned.

Now that the daily routine SEEMS to be set and he goes to day care.
(Well behaved) He gets into the van without a struggle, and
comes home happy that he "worked" so well.
Now I am FREE from about 10 to 4 , WOW.
I can do what Jeannot wants.
The freedom is new to me, I either accomplish a lot in a day
and feel delighted or I accomplish almost nothing and try
not to feel guilt.
My moods have gone a complete turn around.
I told the kids that I can take care of him another 20 years if it
stays this way..................

OK so I know better but I am not going there.
I will not spoil the mood for the day.

I also am learning via email about other people.
I now met a lady in her 60's who has : polio, (in a wheelchair)
cancer (her chemo made her legally blind, deaf in one ear and loss of taste and smell).
She lives alone, she is brilliant and had a great career but now all this ....................
I do not think that for one single minute I have a right to sit on a pity pot.

When we look around us we may see the pretty houses with manicured lawns,
tulips cropping up, people walking their dogs and little children around the
block but we never know what goes on behind that door and windows
covered by lacy curtains.

There are lives going on in there and some have tragedies of all kinds and some
have it better but we do not know as we stroll or drive past them.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

websites of interest for women

For more than a year now I have enjoyed reading the website
WOWOWOW , supposed to be fore women over 40 and since I am
going to be 77 soon I doubly qualify.

All kidding aside, it is a fun website with many points of view
and there are ladies under 40 joining in.
Politics, gossip, health, problem solving, just about everything is
being discussed here.

The founders are a bunch of ladies, well known to almost all of us.
Marlo Thomas, Leslie Stahl, Candice Bergen, Liz Smith, Joan Buck,
Joni Evans to name a few.
All very bright women and the staff share the daily news, past
happenings, literature, art etc..........

It is here that I found out there was a website which helped me
get a VA pension for my husband. I did not know about it until
a WOWER told me.
That helps me a lot also managed to pay for day care.

The other site is
It is a site for health issues mostly at this point for people
who have children with autism.
The site was started iN Seattle and has a great following.
I started to write in there for Alzheimer's caregivers but I sort
of got lost in the autism flurry.
Amazing how many parents are facing this today.
In my own family we have 2 boys afflicted with some type of autism.

Try them and see if this is your cup of tea.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Tug of war Carwen always wins

Valentine Day and all is well with the world

I am very excited, my son in law, Frank, came to cut down my overgrown
trees and shrubs and started to refurbish my driveway with new little stones from
the river. They are a terra cotta color and when the rain will come they will wash
the dust of them and be truly nice to walk on.

I am getting excited like every year when the tulips and daffodils start to show
their small green leaves. We know we will still have cold weather but they do
not seem to care.

Old Bob was in day care all week.
No way the Celexa has taken a hold yet, I do not see a difference
but there is a difference in the nurse's mind so thatis what counts.
"Oh Mrs K. he is so nice and calm"
Oh Mrs nurse I should reply someone gave you a placebo reasoning.

I am delighted when he goes, it gives me the time to take charge
once again of the house and move things where I want them.
Bobby takes up minimum of space, he is nesting in the smallest
nest in the house.

When Bob comes home he is all excited to see me and walks from room
to room and takes inventory of everything.
Looks like he forgets during the day what was here in the morning.

It has been a good week.
I am also happy that my Grandson Jimmy called from Madrid to wish
me a nice day. How nice of him.
Good kid.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Good day

I am on cloud nine.
I had a very good day.
Bob in day care, nurse said he behaved somewhat.
I keep telling myself that these people are trained (supposed to be)
to work with these kind of patients. Where is their patience?

New camera so I can try and see if eBay is going to pick up a bit
still have oodles of linens.
My camera was outdated and s l o w.

Here a photo of Carwen and Bijou

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Valentine Day 1969

Valentine’s day 1969. I wore a pink dress with matching coat, purchased second hand from my dentist’s wife for 12.00.I can’t remember what he wore.
My two girls in Sunday dresses. We drove during a bad storm,trees falling and mud slides. Yet we all were laughing all the way from Brookdale to Santa Cruz.

We were to be wed. We had lived together for a year. Much to the chagrin of the ECW women. I had become a fallen woman but I was going to make it “right”. I did not give a darn.

Rain poured at the Unity church, a ten minute ceremony with Perry Como singing, my girls nervously giggling and I was a married woman.
The trip home on the winding road became a hazard, no one would go out in this kind of weather but those who wanted to make it legal.

Fourty years ago, the very best years of my life. Behind me that day, a sad childhood, an abusive 17 year old marriage, before me what was to be?
My darling adopted my girls, we had a son, we lived in different places,
as an artist painter can paint wherever he wants.

We were always honeymooners. We always walked holding hands. Fell asleep holding hands. Always together glued by the desire to not let anyone or anything come between us.

The glue did not hold as Alzheimer’s came and divides us. He does not
know about that day 40 years ago, does not know who these gorgeous women are who call him “Daddy”. This year however I will celebrate by myself and know I had the best and no one can steal this.
I will fall asleep holding his hand and I will pray that I have what it takes to keep giving him the care he deserves and needs.
He is my Valentine.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

End of Freedom

I had it good for a few days.
I was floating. I worked hard during the free hours.
Made sure something nice was waiting for him when he
returned from Day Care.
Last Friday, a repeat performance.
I was warned by way of telephone that he was on his way home.
He had been a bad boy.
He had been knocking at the door and said that he wanted a bus to
Santa Cruz.
Make sense to me. He has asked the same here many times.
I just tell him maybe tomorrow there will be a bus.
Five minutes later he will forget it.
BUT it is different in the day care.
They are afraid he might turn violent.
Upset the other people or hurt them.
Youhave to understand Mrs K. we are afraid for our other patients
he can return and we hope he returns when he is more calm.
At that point I was in no mood to mince words.
I asked point blank: So you want sedated clients, so there would not be
a lot of work?
OH NO NO NO was the quick answer but he must be calmer to mix well
with the group.
So there you have it.
The VA sent Celesta, I am not sure if that will make him sufficiently
calmer for the day care but I have given up.
I was able to give him care for 11 years now and so I will continue to
do so.
Will I be stressed? Of course I will.
Is he difficult? No
Does he work on my nerves? Yes.
You see it is hard when someone is following you every where in the house.
When someone looks into the garbage every five minutes.
When someone drinks 1 ounce of a drink throws it out, opens the refrigerator
and fills another glass only to repeat the whole matter again.
One minute I can go upstairs and clean up his studio the next
he starts screaming that I am upsetting his desk so he can't paint.
He has not painted in 10 years give or take a few.

Every time son goes out the door he locks the door behind him.
Every hour on the hour if not more he checks the mail and
we have to scram to get it or it goes somewhere in an invisible world.

Would I like for him to go back to day care? Yes.
Do I want him sedated all day? No.
Then I can do it here too.

Shoot me if I ever start to forget anything important.
Just give me a whole bag of pills.
I do not want EVER to be such a burden to my kids.
Not ever.
The real husband would just die if he knew what he is doing.
He would be so upset.
There are moments that I can't help it and let the tears flow
he thinks that is funny. No comprehension about sad or happy.
I can get so angry but then why do that?
He does not know what he is doing.
They keep saying in the books (written for idiots) that
it is the Alzheimer's speaking not the person.
Well, hello!, you do not think that I know that?
I have become and expert on the subject,

I better go as he is trying to figure out where to sit close to me.
I am just venting.
Just venting.