Saturday, April 26, 2008

Bad mood days

Been in a bad mood for a few days and can't get out of it.
Have not been listening to the news lately because I can't handle that either.
The Corgy is finally back to chasing the cat and Toto.
We have no idea what Bob is feeding these animals.
He is sneaky about it.
Funny how he remembers there are No No's but not why we should not
feed them milk etc...
I am afraid to buy anything with chocolate in.
Then we read that onions too are bad for dogs.

Old B is constantly giving bad looks at the son.
I told Bobby yesterday that I usually tell him "it will get better" but with this problem
that does not work anymore.
It will not get better.

Getting hot so Bobby put the screens in the windows, we do not have AC,
Old Bob keeps coming and closing the windows.
He is afraid of intruders.

I am glad that I still have a place to go to work.
How long they will keep us open and if there is hope at
the end of this recession tunnel , I do not know.

I know very little these days , just to be in a bad mood
and I hate that. It is not my nature to run around
like that.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Time Out

Had two days and one night away from the house.
Sabrina , my grandson and a friend took some time off to
go to Tennessee.
The mountains were in full bloom withe dogwoods and
purple wild plum trees.
It was just magical to see the new greens on the trees and
a bit of snow on the tops of the Smokey's.
I left old B with young B and it turned out to be a great combination.
Bobby cooked , fixedhis coffee the way he likes it and gave his meds.
When I walked in and asked foolishly "Did you miss me?"
He said"No. why?"
I said " I was gone 2 days" and the sweet man said:
I did not notice it.
I was delighted for I did not feel guilt that I had left him.
It was a dangerous question for if he had indeed missed me then I would
not dare to go out again.
So all is well. I had a great relaxing time and everyone survived !!!!
Sabrina told me that we will try and do this every month.
We are surrounded by the great mountains and lakes so we can
always find a place within 1 or 2 hour ride.
It is great to get a "normal" view of everything and be out once in awhile.

Monday, April 14, 2008

3.30 in the morning and no place to go

I am back to the habit of not sleeping a full night. Three o clock in the morning and I wake up to demons rushing about in my head. I can come up with more "what if"s" then anybody I know.
Even so yesterday was an OK day. We had a good sale at the store and met our goals so I could be busy counting money and put in a few hours more. My friends in Belgium became grandparents.
Bob was doing ok.
Of course I am worried about the Corgy, she is not herself and just sits in a corner where we can hardly see her. When we take her for a walk she digs her feet into the dirt and refuses to come back in the house. She will need to see a vet but how to get her to one is another story.
Bobby's car broke down and the girls are working tomorrow.
There I go with the "what if" scenario.
We had dogs when I was little. My father raised German shepherds and I we never had shots and all that stuff we do today for animals. We gave them kitchen scraps and they seemed to be
doing fine.
I better get some sleep. I am rattling and rattled.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Great day

Thank God it is Friday say the bureaucrats but I start my week on Friday.
It does not matter, one day blends into the next day.
But this Friday I had lunch with two good friends and I had verbal diahrea as always.
I am becoming my mother.
When she had a visitor, the visitor was a prisoner to her talks.
I am a talker. So be it.
Also I have few people to talk to these days since Bob and I were talking non stop to
each for 30 years of our marriage.
What in heavens did we say to each other?
I know we talked all the time. what is worse we almost always agreed with each other.
The last 10 years have changed all that, slowly the talks were gone, the conversation dried up
into a dry pond. The idea fading from Bob's mind on what subject he should pick or answer me on.
So my dear friends have all the patience in the world and listen to me for 2 hours.
Is my life so interesting? Au contraire it is boring to the max.
SO C and L thank you for being there.
You are better than the 150 dollar shrink!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

green star on eBay

Oh I did not mention this milestone.
I made 5000 feedback on eBay
and 100 percent positive.
I am quite proud of that.
Almost 8000 sales too as duplicate buyers do not count.
(they will change that)
So I got a green star now and a letter from eBay with congrats.

Turn around a bad day

Bob wants to go home to his Aunts and Uncles, a new one, if they were still alive they would be about 120 years old. Time to put the alarms on so we can catch him if he leaves.
I am going out in the yard just about measuring how tall my perennials got. I just have to see something positive because my head is splitting.
Ok so I am doing well after I saw that the Dutch Iris did not freeze after all and are in buds!Yeah!
Bobby's seed planting is coming along too and some of the roses are wielding buds.
The weather man said we will drop another 15 degrees again tomorrow.
That is not so hot!
Tomorrow, another day.
Tomorrow big 12 hour sale at the store.
We better sell or we will have more hours cut.
We are having some really nice duds at 75 Percent off.
Glad it is evening and I can go to sleep soon and forget the world.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Slowing down

A relative of ours has written negative letters all her life. When the letter comes you are afraid to open it. The kid broke an arm, the car broke down, the boss was mean, the rain would not stop,
the mattress is old, the new TV sucks, and on and on.
So , at this point in my life, I am afraid to write to my friends for I am not always in good spirits but I try. Who wants to hear about all the bad news???Just turn on TV and you have a belly full.
But this blog I started for those in the same boat such as us and so we can just uplift one another or we can read that we are not alone and what some of the solutions are.
For instance I always think that with the Namenda and Raznil (?) old Bob has been able to last quite long without falling quickly into never land.
It is costly but I would recommend it.
Get driveway alarms , sign up for the bracelet in case he/she is lost , a must.
Lately we have alarms at the doors inside the house.
The last few weeks a lot of small changes are surfacing.
He forgets to do the dishes which he was religiously doing before I would come home.
The other day , I asked to walk the dog.
He pointed to the cat.
I showed him Toto, he took him outside and stood there in the driveway with
a dog who had his legs crossed but daddy decide he would come back in.
He had no idea what to do with the dog.
He hides more stuff.
He does not warm up to son, instead he looks with anger at him.
He sleeps between bites of lunch and dinner.
He sleeps watching the birds.
Yet he refuses to take a nap in bed.
He talks very little these days.
He has problems making a sentence.
He looks frail.
The people at the post office told me yesterday they were shocked to see him
looking so ill when we were there last week.
He does not look ill, he is frail and skinny.
He looks like he is not here most of the time.

Last Friday I lost it at work, not proud of it,
I want to be professional .
Daughter called me and said she would pick me up shortly.
I hung up and after hearing her voice I just let it all out.
I just cried and cried.
My manager had to count my money and do the deposits I just
was a blubbering idiot who could not count.
I did not want to go home so Sabrina and I drove around
all afternoon from Walmart to Target to Sams.
Once there I would not know what I needed either.
To make matters worse it was that afternoon that I found out
about our friend's letter which was returned with a Deceased stamp on.
I am coming out of it.
Sabrina my grandson and I will go for 2 days to Gatlinburg TN and visit the new acquarium.
Fishes calm me down even sharks.
Sometimes I tell myself to go deep into the boots and pull up some more
hope, courage, and stamina. That was always my mother's message.
Sometimes my 10 1/2 boots are too big to dig in.
Sometimes one needs to cry buckets, and mother always said that then
you do not pee so much either.
Voila that is all for the Belgian wisdom

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Another loss

A long time ago I canceled my long distance service as Bob started to dial foreign countries. That was then. Now he would not even know how to dial 911.
No need to reinstate the long distance for our friend in San Francisco has left us.
It was a big shock. He was younger than us.
I wrote him a letter on March 5th and it was returned the other day with a notice:
diseased .
I did not believe it. Knowing Allen, I thought OK he packed and went to Palm Springs
which was his aim for when he would retire.
Daughter searched the internet and found his building and started to call people.
She soon found out that he had passed away alone in his apartment late Feb.
She also found out the number of his daughter.

I had known this guy since I met Bob in 1967. He was a character and always could make me laugh with his repertoire of jokes and life anecdotes.
He had several careers in his life. When one became boring he switched, money was not
his aim, he just wanted to do something different.
I admired him the most for 8 years he gave of himself in a hospice with aids patients.
At a time they were dying every day , Allen was witness to this and tried his best to be
a part of what he could do for their last days.
So he hired a bus and took some of the guys to gamble one more time in Tahoe.
Or he would get a cab and take them to a movie. He did not care if they needed oxygen with them
or went in their robes. He still took them where they wanted to go.
He had a giving nature without limits.
At my shop he once bought 27 gifts for the women in the office.
His first thought when we went somewhere together was to buy jewelry for his
daughter. After that it was for his friends. I did not dare look at anything more than
once or he would buy it for me.
He brought Bob a huge gold ring with a diamond in it and to this day knowing Allen'
I have no idea if it is a CZ or a diamond and it does not matter at all.
Bob lost it in his early stages and when I found it again I put it away, I knew he would not want that ring lost. He still wears a watch Allen gave him and he forgets to set it but it is
a showy piece and he wears it on top of his sleeves so people can see his fancy
He asked us to go to Torremolinos with him for a month. I told him it was not in my budget.
Can we plan for next year. We used to travel there with Grand Circle and it was a bargain
arrangement but that year out of my reach. I did not even think about it anymore until Grand Circle called me and said Mr. W. had made arrangements for all 3 of us to be in Spain next
He had not told us and I was absolutely in shock. I have a hard time taking gifts and that
one was bitter sweet. How could we repay him ????Bob promised him a watercolor and that is all he wanted. We had a ball. We took a tour to Marocco and I think he purchased every thing each kid was offering him. He had a very soft spot for children in need. He had been there.
He was not a wealthy man in fact he was still working full time and overtime at his job in a hospital and he was 73. He was a born caregiver and generous to a fault.
He went into a bar and saw this gorgeous embroidered Chinese opera shawl hanging on the wall,he told me that he knew he had to have it to give to me. He asked the man what he wanted for the shawl , the man thought about it and said : your leather jacket!
Allen took of his jacket and walked home with the shawl. I have it on display but now I am
thinking of packing it up and put in a box, how dumb is that?
I think he would want me to show it off.

Old Bob met him in San Francisco and together with another friend they rented a flat.
Allen complained about all the operas Bob would play and the horrible soup he made.
All 3 were cut ups and had a blast. Allen tried marriage 3 times but it was not to be
his life long dream. In the end he liked being alone, go when and where he felt like it.
My husband is saved a lot of pain in his Alzheimer state. He has no idea of what has happened
but one day I know they will be together and have another shot of brandy.
Bob does not handle death very well and that would have been devastating.
Allen was more than a brother to him, Allen was always there to listen and to guide him in
his artistic career. Allen always loved us all and today even my kids are mourning and rejoicing that they have the memories with Uncle Allen.

You behave yourself Allen , and wait for us.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

My yard os for the birds

I had about 6 bird feeders in my yard, most are squirrel proof. The kind with a motor so the squirrels go for a ride if they decide to come for dinner. Young Bob has bought most of them for me for presents. Enter young Bob who comes to help and he has another half dozen feeders.
Lucky for me I found a good food mixture at Sams which is reasonable.
Years ago when Bob started to sit a lot in the kitchen, we decided to put the feeders right
by the window. The bird people told me it would not work as it is too close by the house.
They were wrong, birds came. I had dozens of the finches, the redish ones but the yellows
were not to be seen.
Two years ago we put up feeders by the living room window which is now Bob's rest area.
Lot of birds, but the yellow finches still did not come.
Now that young Bob rearranged the feeding stations somewhat we suddenly have droves of the yellow finches and more woodpeckers.
He put up the thistle feeders were they eat upside down.
It is such a joy to look out and see the birds taking turns on the many feeders.
When I walk the dog in the morning there is such a noisy concert that even my deaf ears are
hearing it.
As I see it, it is great entertainment for old Bob. He calls me whenever a cardinal shows up
but he can't remember the color. It just breaks my heart that this genius painter now can't see red or can't remember what to call it. Then again I turn it around and say"at least he is enjoying the birds and gets more excited about the cardinals then the others, so something is triggering still the artist within.
Got to run and visit Sams for more seeds...........