Thursday, July 30, 2009


Most of my adult life I have been the center of our family.
The spoke which helped the wheel keep turning.
I truly took on the job as a matriarch.
I was (I think) capable and thought I would be 95 and still be able to keep everything together.

Think again.
Often now my children question my judgment, of course they would have to,they now have 5 decades under their belt in a brand new cyber world with new rules of how to bring up children they would have
points to make about the old bird's ideas.

That is not that much of a bother to me.
What is becoming an issue, is IF and When and COULD we ever put old dad in a nursing home.
With me, rule 1 would be if I am emotionally able.
rule 2. if we use Medicaid (since we have no portfolios to brag about)
then I also lose his income. Can I survive on just my s.s.?
rule 3. would we ever find a place like home?

th answer to the three rules is almost always NO.

Then there are the new generation of wise birds who know that Mom is spent. Totally spent. Emotionally a zero on a scale to ten. Physically
on a good day 5 on the scale. Spiritually : lost it all.
What is left of her ? nothing from the matriarch who once filled so many blanks. I know what I want. I want Bob in this house till he leaves us and I want to take care of him. I want the energy, the enthusiasm to do it.
I need both of these and I checked all the bottles of Vitamins at Wally world but find not what I want.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Wednesday and I am feeling much better

I upset quite a few of my friends who read this mess.
No I did not go to the doctor, I would have felt very silly.
I took aspirin and rested a lot the last 2 days.
I think I was hyperventilating.
That can cause a black out and loss of feeling in the hands and legs.
I only felt it in one hand.

I do a lot of irregular breathing (noticed son) it works with the turmoil in my brain. Worry (my middle name) concern over everything and most of my worries never happen.

So goes it.

Monday, July 27, 2009

What next

This morning as I was typing everything started to go dark, it seemed like in slow motion. I do not know how long I blacked out but I know I did but did not fall out of my chair so I am guessing it was very short. Right hand was numbing and that I was not hapy about. Took some aspirin and went into my lounger and fell asleep for 3 hours.

I am not feeling myself but hope by tomorrow this too shall pass.
I have a feeling that I am on a threadmill and I cant get off.

Sorry it is all about me. Right now this minute it is so!
Bob is continually cold, even in our Southern heat wave.
He refuses to wear short sleeve shirts.
Well, there goes one part of his wardrobe.

I purchased him nice long sleeved T shirts.
He looked dashing (in my eyes) and returned with
a PINK sweater in top of that.
The nurse at the day care had loaned him a sweater because
he was cold.
Of course, they do have air conditioning there but not in our home.
He runs around outside in 85 degrees with a sweatshirt and he is
sweating but somehow her also shivers.

Yesterday he planted. His version. He cuts off branches from whatever he likes and pushes them in the ground wherever he likes.
Of course when they are all brown in a few days he does not know that his planting was for nothing.
Whereas I plant and seed and when they die I have a lunatic reaction.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Some Garden shots

Just to keep some sort of record, I take photos every year so I can remember
what I planted and what will come up again, maybe! Just a few little shots:
visiting bee
window box
dragon fly over the water feature

Bijou almosty one year old

Grandkids on vacation with us

Thank you Joy for the recipe, I think too much trouble to figure out WW points. I am eating tomatoes, I like that but it does not sit well with my

Oscar has gone back to camp for 1 1/2 weeks and then will return for a few days with his dad. He is a very nicely mannered child and I truly enjoyed him,I did not see much of him as he was with his dad and I wanted to give them the little time they have.

We are awaiting the arrival of Kahleb. He entered the USA on Friday but no doubt has some jet lag. We see Kahleb once a year and he does keep up with the English language and of course is now fluent in Swedish.
He has become very calm and I must say that his stepdad is doing a great job with him. The kid has manners, imagine that!

I am stretching my tolerance during the week ends when Bob is home.
He missed day care too. He does not like to give up a routine, then he becomes more angry and disoriented.

We are is a new phase that I can't discuss here at all.
I have been very open and frank since I started this blog, nothing I kept back so this is a first.
It would require too much detail which is very unpleasant.
I was never a good nurse, not even with my kids, I tried my best but I am just not cut out for that sort of thing. Blood is ok but open wounds, forget it, and other abnormal behavior when it comes to the bathroom I am not
fit for either.

We do what we have to do.
Not a nurse? You are a caregiver so deal with it!
That is the way the cards have been dealt.
Give me another Lexapro!!!!!

Saturday, July 25, 2009


Green stuff? Yup, Salads.
Geez........anyone who knows me also knows that I never eat my salad
that is for the bunnies. Strictly Bunnies food.
I have a friend who just loves her salads, you would think that she is having an orgasm when she eats a salad.
(Pardon my sexual reference)
Me, I have raised rabbits, I know that they adore this green stuff , now lately there have been problems with the lettuce, the spinach, was there anything else which was contaminated???
Healthy foods, only after you wash them in the washing machine for a half an hour,.
All kidding aside, I ate a salad at a sushi restaurant, I was so hungry I would have started to chew on my glass.
Salad went down easy enough but only with the promise of a California sushi roll.
Diet is on day 5 and I am getting used to it.
I am getting the "stuff" which will help me and not cost me a ton of WW points.
Then there is the running around with the dogs, I get points for that.
The Corgy, over her surgery, now wants to run so I have to do a very fast walk with her to keep up with the short legs running.
Old Bob has been stealing papers today.
Anything with his name on and he steals it and it is gone forever.
Got him in time to rescue the insurance bill.
He appropriated young Bob's favorite Gerber knife and that is not sitting very well. We just can't find it.
So he had to order another one.
Probably buried somewhere outside like he did with my brand new expensive Roomba. It was buried outside and then it rained.
Not great for this housewife who deals with dog hairs.
Hope tomorrow, being Sunday, that he has his best manners.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Bad mood day? Try dieting!

I am so hungry everything starts to look good.
Back on W W for probably the 10th time in my life.
Struggling with the thyroid problem and just want to
fight the weight gain if I can.
The hair falling out is another vanity matter but then
there are wigs in the market.
Heck Dolly has not shown her real hair in 50 years.

So when old B started to physical argument with me this
morning he did meet his match.
I was a lot grouchier than him.
Not as bad as when son tries to stop smoking. Now THAT is a grouch!
So I am going back to the online counting of WW points.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Cherokee journey

I could never live in Nevada. I am a gambler. Probably not as bad as using up rent money. But I am a gambler.
I have been in retail most of my life. My own businesses. If that is not a gambler then you are nuts.
We buy things wholesale hoping to sell retail and make the bucks.
In my case I went to garage sales, auctions, estate sales every week and gambling that what I found would make a good profit.

I have not been t o a casino in years, not since Bob stopped driving.
We have one on a Cherokee reservation about 2 hour drive.
Harrah's is running it.
Bob and I used to go several times a year.
Each would have twenty bucks but the buffet was just the best and I am not so sure that we did not go there just for the buffet.
Bob would have little patience,, we both would play machine poker.
They are limited here to what they are allowed to have within the limits of N C laws. No black jack tables, not for me anyway, too fast.No liquor served either, that is ok with me, can't drink with the psoriasis.

When his 20 bucks were gone he would come and sit patiently next to me
and see how long i would last. Then we would walk out the casino each with 1 buck for good luck in the dollar machine. We never did see them back.

It is a gorgeous ride through the mountains.

It does reminds me of a sad day, we had been to the casino the night before and stayed at our regular motel.
Off season the guy did not even expect a renter but he knew us and gave us a room next to the office. Told us he would not connect the phone but we would have hot water. What the hay, it was clean and cheap and we loved
to be away for a night. (That was before a dog menagerie).
I was sitting on the bed watching Good Morning America and as I pulled up my nylons I saw that Charlie looked puzzled and alarmed.
I heard the words " there seem to have been a plane accident hitting one the the Towers". I did not get the hose on my legs , I just sat and waited and called Bob from the bathroom.
Someone called in to GMA and said he was sure it was a missile from the sound of it. Another call : it is a plane but I did not truly see it, I live nearby and see smoke.
As the cameras started to roll on the towers I am still sitting frozen on the bed and I am watching a plane come and hit the other tower.
I am thinking that my brain is now going 100o thoughts a second and I just THINK I saw a plane going into the building.
I am not sure I understood the reportage for the next 20 minutes.
I was in such a frightened mode that I could hardly budge.
I started to yak about the kids at home and lets get out of here.
We drove to a Mc Donalds to have coffee and I wondered at the orderly line. Did they not know we had been attacked?
Did they not care , no one spoke to no one.
I wanted to shout : Did you see that on TV!!!Did you see!!!
A woman came in and said out loud that the Pentagon had been hit too.
I did not want to believe her.
I thought for sure this was a false statement.
Out we ran with our coffee while I tried to get my kids on the celphone.
Then my best friend who has children living in Manhattan.
My BP must have been out of sight.
I became an 8 year old. I returned to the first day of WW2.
I started to ramble while looking outside the windows for planes.
Like we were going to be attacked in the Smokey's, come on.
Fear of planes attacking has hardly left me in all the years.
It just sits there in my "fear bank" waiting to jump out at any sound of an airplane motor.
Next I told Bob that we were going to till the back yard , get rid of the grass and plant vegetables. I knew we were going to be hungry again.
It took me a long time to know we were safe and we had still food.

So where did I start this long epistle?
Oh Yes, the gambler!
I so have wanted to go back with my 20 bucks and have some fun at the machines , I know they will eat my quarters, gobble them up 2 or 3 or 4 at a time. Greedy little bastards, and dumb old me but I have fun doing it.
So sue me!

Friends have told me that in August we will spend the day at Cherokee and they will pick me up in the morning and bring me back when I have lost my loot. How negative. I may hit it yet.

So I am in a very good mood because I have a mini trip in sight and Jeannot is always delirious when she can get in a car, bus, plane (forget boats, I get seasick on a pier).

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Since we started this journey the stages have changed.
So now we are more detailed and I thought we were in 7 but not so fast, kiddo. We are in 6.
Wishful thinking ( how brutal) answer is yes.
For I know I am getting ill and that is not the best solution either.
Who will be able to take care of him.

While the brain is being covered with whatever (too tired to look it up again) there is the oddity of what memory one has on any given day.
Yesterday Bob was refusing to go to sleep and wandered about the house all over the place and then gave me the finger when I told him to go to bed.
Now this man never gave the finger to anyone, well, in the car once in awhile to other drivers.
How come he remembered that?

He loves Coke, he has had an addiction to it for years.
I try and curtail it some but not that much, after all what pleasures does he have.
He took a can of coke managed to open it (not usual) poured it in to
cereal bowl, took a spoon and started to spoon it out.
He looked puzzled. I was perplexed because I had not seen that scenario , I then moved the coke into a glass and he drank it not making a sound about
why he had used a bowl.
Why can he do a signal he hardly used and then mess up with a routine he did a thousand times.
That is Alzheimer's. You never know what will happen next.

Saturday, July 18, 2009


What a lovely cool morning this is.
We have had some hot days and no a/c in this old house.
So I have done some heavy duty unlady like sweating!

The dogs are doing fine, Corgi doing well after her surgery.
Bijou just looking for what else he can chew.

Young Bob had a friend for Atlanta visit for awhile which cheers him up.
He only has seen 2 people in the last year who came to visit him.
That is besides Oscar. His son from Sweden will be here next week end,.
I think he is 12 going on 13. Grandmothers should remember the ages.

I am going to do my best to have a glorious week end and finish some of the DVD's from "House".

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Stop already with the dog stories

My head feels like it will explode.
Bob back with hallucinations and weird behavior.
I have been very open in this blog but his latest I just can't describe.
It is just too difficult to work with, too gross to write about.
Even an open book like "moi" can't get it written down.

My hairdresser said yesterday that I am the strongest person she knows.
My friend Lee tells me I always had courage. Both are NUTS, I am neither strong nor have a lot of courage. I just have learned since childhood that
whatever comes your way, you have to deal with it. So you just learn to survive in the condition offered to you. That is all I know.
Sometimes that is very wrong such as staying in a marriage which was debilitating and cruel (for 17 years) thinking that was all that was offered to me. (I was very wrong about that)
However when it comes to illness there is not much you can do but try your best.
A client of my daughter has a husband with MS, he can't talk anymore, can't walk hardly knows how to swallow. She is alone with him 24/7. She had a few hours respite but is concerned that the person may not be able to help him in emergency situation. She runs home quickly after her errands.
That is courage!

So since I can't add anything more under the A category I have to go back to the dogs. Why? Well, my Maltese who is not yet 1 year old, loves to
find things to chew on. I can't put my purse down (for instance) or he
goes into it, black nose and snoot digging for a comb or a pen, something to chew on. A checkbook looks inviting too. I have struggled with remembering about my chewy friend and putting things up high.

Now he can jump on the bed too, I forgot that. So in 5 minutes time while I put away laundry in the dresser, he had snatched Sudafed from my night stand and chewed away at one or maybe 2 pills.
Son checked on internet. Showed me calmly that for a small dog this can mean dead!The heart races to fast and often a heart attack follows.

9 PM. Back to the ER which we now so well since Carwen had her surgery just 3 days ago.
The vet now calls us by our first name.
Bijou had his stomach pumped and then a charcoal treatment and off we went. I could hardly breathe, this is my baby, this is my kid, friend,
confidant (yes I tell him what is going on) .
Vet said that Bijou would be very quiet and sleepy, are you kidding me?
Bijou was ready to play as soon as we walked in the door at 10 30 PM and
he cost me a week's grocery money too.
If it is not enough that I wake on the hour to check hubby now I also
was checking the crate but his majesty was sleeping better than his dad.
This morning he is fine and I am becoming a detective for what else he can find.
Old Bob is a two year old and I did forget that Bijou is not yet a teen ager
his birthday (1 year) will be next month.
So enough (I hope) with the four footed stories.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


I am a creature of habits. They say if you do anything for 21 days it becomes a habit. So I thought (seriously) of breaking the Alzheimer's habit in my head. Ignore it every time it comes up. Look at hubby like he was "before".
Simple, I thought, and I actually did it. For 21 days? Are you kidding?

Honestly probably for 21 minutes.
I did do better in accepting "again" what is "normal" in my house.
I did quite well.

But the last 2 nights old habits surfaced in old Bob's head, the
two mistresses plotting together Miss Insomnia and Miss Hallucination.
They can wreck anybody's beauty sleep.
Bob liked whatever he was seeing, he was laughing out loud. He was making gestures in the air, I think he was picking flowers.
He was wide awake, did not know me and did not know the house either.
Son and I took turns to follow him around.
I just could not go to sleep even knowing that he was being watched.
I just could not do it.
Where was my resolution to forget about this disease? You just can't, it is in your bones, your skin, your heart and your soul.
Every day and night the thoughts follow you and work as you will to avoid them, they are there.
What you want to see as "normal" screams at you and tells you that there is no more "normal".

Lack of sleep makes me do goofy things like putting keys in the fridge and spreading butter on my peach. Then I freak out, oh am I next?
Son answers and asks mehow much I spent on my lunch yesterday and
sure enough I know it to the penny. Son laughs, tells me that NO I am not next, I remember more than he does. I go and take a nap with my dog.

Monday, July 13, 2009

A sign in my sons's bedroom tells me that he likes dogs better than people.

I am so beginning to know that is a truth for me too.

If you had asked me 10 years ago I would have told you that my "dog days" were over. Once we buried "Julie" decades ago. I told myself "no more dogs".I just knew I was a cat person. Cat's came and went and we never were without a miauw around the house. I adore them.

Then my husband became ill with Alzheimer's and year by year the conversations at the table, in the bed and car dried up.
I am a talker, much to the chagrin of many people, I am an open book and
ask me anything and I have a respond or a story.
The silence in the house bothered me a lot and I was missing the love too. I am a hugger, a kisser, I need the touch of someone who responds to my caring. Husband and I must have hugged dozens of times in a day.
Slowly that too diminished. He was confused about our relationship about who I was and he no longer wanted to be touched. (That has changed again and now he is back to hugging all day long).

I kept thinking that maybe I needed a little lap dog, something to hold and kiss all I wanted to and it would feel soft and warm. I did not even think that I would get a lot of love in return. I just needed something to hold that was my own.

It was voting day , I needed something in the pet store for my water feature , in the pet store were a bunch of puppies of all kinds and colors.
Suddenly Bob looked at one, picked it up, then said : this is ours.
I want it.

I had no idea what kind of white fur ball this was and how much it was going to cost. the black eyes peered at me from under all this white fur and I fell in love.
What is it? I asked the man behind the counter.
A Maltese, a male Maltese.
He is 600.00 but we just had a bad week and if interested right now 450.00
he has papers etc......
Out came the credit card home went the puppy.,

Once the fur ball (smaller than the cat) was home I figured I had been emotional about this and now would start the hard work and I was in no mood.
Bob named him "TOTO" because he loved the movie with Dorothy etc...
Problem was he also called him "The Cat".
We had some time before we convinced him that this was a dog.

Toto turned out to be a jewel to train, usually hard with Maltese breed.
I read everything on the internet about that breed and was happy to read that indeed that was going to be my fur ball to hold and hug all day long.

Enter a tragedy in our lives, my daughter in law, passed on in May 2008.
Accidental overdose, mixing meds from over the counter with hers.
She was 32. She is so missed.

Son moved back home and suffers from agoraphobia, has not been more than 20 yards away from the house in over 3 years. We had to drug him to bring him back to NC. They had two dogs, a Corgy and a rescue old lady dog. Daughter and I ended up in a plane to Texas to take the animals out of the shelter (relatives had put them there). We then drove home with 3 cats meawing and a quiet dog.

So now I am faced with 3 dogs, it took me a long time to decide on the fur ball but three of them? I told son that the extra cats was too much but many were waiting to adopt them.

Not long after the four footers all became good friends an accident took Toto away. I thought my heart would stop. Immediately I had to fill the void and got another Maltese. Bijou is his name. French for jewel.
He is that indeed.

I read a lot about Joan Rivers and her dog being her support group when her husband died, Cindy Adams had surprise gift of a puppy delivered to her after her husband died and she writes about that wonderful experience.
When I read all that I was still dog-less and could not figure out why these broads made such a hoopla about something that looked like a wet rat.
Now I know betteR.

I can't remember anything that happened between Toto and I in the years we shared , I blocked it out. Often I do not remember his name. The love and caring that Bijou brings to me is so enormous it feels like he wants to fill the void and add some of his own to just make me happy.

He is at my feet no matter where I sit. Follows me from room to room and watches over me. If I cry he jumps on my lap and wants to wash my face.
His dark black eyes penetrate mine as if to say "It is ok, this too shall pass".
If I take a nap he sits on top of me and lets me know if someone is at the door.

He is a friend of the Corgy (Carwen) because he knows that she has taken the lead in the house and she is the boss. She is a doll. Smart and quiet.
So does this jewel ever get into trouble? Every day.
It is the chewing game, after all he is still a puppy but when he got a hold
of a huge bag with peanuts while I was writing and not paying attention this did happen :"photo above"

Yup I will join these other gals and tell you that I have gone to the dogs and for most part I like dogs better than people.


Son's corgy dog became "different", her dark eyes looked into ours with a message. She clearly was trying to say something. Then I saw her urinate on the floor and saw blood mixed in the urine.

The "accident" had been happening several times this week and I blamed on our Bijou who is not 100 percent trained.

Did you know that tooth aches, severe belly aches, sick dogs and cats always pick a late Friday night or Saturday morning to start.

Hence the urgent care vet in our town built a most gorgeous building with the very best materials available.

"Carwen" ended up with surgery on Sunday.
She had large stones in the bladder.
and as I write we are still waiting to hear how well she is doing this morning.

It was an anxious week enD.

So I decided to write about the dogs in our lives.
Next lesson

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


Had a call yesterday. An old collector of my husband's work. He calls once a year. Checks on his favorite painter. "What is life like for him?"He asks.
In telegraph style I tell him how far along the artist is after 12 years with a memory loss illness.

The man talks about this decent man, did not smoke, hardly ever drank and lived a good life and now this.......blah blah blah....
He ends the conversation with a surprise request: "You think just for me he could paint me just a small picture?"

At that point I just want to laugh, I also want to call this man by names which I should not utter if I am trying to be lady like.
I did think "You dumb ass, I just told you the man is in diapers".
You think he can sit down and do you a painting when he does not remember to use the bathroom?

Well, the truth is that unless you have been exposed to someone with Alzheimer's/dementia you probably know very little about it.

Often even the children do not know about it if they are at a distance.
A lady I worked with went to N Y twice a year to visit the folks. She knew dad was beginning to forget. After all she thought, he is pushing 80, it is normal.

Mother was on the phone once a week did not share much with her child.
It is that generation when we did take the vows very seriously. We must take care of each other even when old. !!!

By the time this lady went for her last visit to NY she found her mother completely covered with bruises. She found out that daddy was not the sweet man anymore and was quite brutal in his treatment to his wife.
He was quickly put in a nursing home and mother in an assistant living place. Not a minute to soon. Dad died shortly there after and mother is now recuperating slowly from what was a hell for several years.
She thought it was her own hell and not to be shared with others.

Several decades ago, being in the antique business, I purchased tons of stuff from a man who was going to an assistant living place with his wife.
His wife, he told me has Alzheimer. I had never seen somebody with Alzheimer, I did not know what to expect.

Time to pick up the stuff and the lady of the house was dressed in a nice dress, her hair nicely combed. She sat on a chair, legs straight down and rigid. I said "Hi there!" No response.
I smiled, no response.
We filled up the van and there she still sat in the middle of the room
and we needed the last chair upon which she sat.
Husband came and said :Come on , dear, these people need your chair.
She looked puzzled. She did not budge.
"We need the chair, Carol." A harsher tone.
Still no movement.
I asked if I could come and get it later. He said NO and was very grouchy at that point.
He proceeded to pick her up under the arms and force her out of the chair.
She became angry and tried to hit him but she was so frail.
I started to cry. I thought the man was cruel.
I saw the empty house which had been her nest for decades and now her last piece of furniture and he forced her out of it.
I often thought about that scene.
I no longer think the man was cruel at all. She had not a clue to what was happening and he wanted her in that safer place waiting for them.
He too no doubt did not enjoy to have to do this but he did it.
I just had a great deal to learn about dementia/A.

So I guess I must forgive the a.. who wanted a painting from my
artist husband. OH You thought I was a lady? Fooled ye

Friday, July 3, 2009

A day off and away

Daughter said she would pick up dad for the day as there was no day care and she wanted to give me a break with grandson visiting.
At the last minute we decided, she and I, that I would join them and just hang out at her house while she had to do some cleaning.
The weather was grand, as slight breeze cooled us to be comfortable. I had nothing to do there so I brought my book and quickly fell asleep on the
outdoor swing. It was just great. My Bijou at my feet and my head resting on old dad's lap. We had a fine day.

I knew at home my kitchen floor needed to meet with some soap and water and then I figured that tomorrow with hot dogs and hamburgers and all the boys here that it would get worse. So ...forget the floor....sleep .....
rest and relax. Just fabulous.

If I had been home I could not have done this, I would have done the floor and redo it again on Sunday after the celebration.

Someone asked what Freedom did mean to me.
My answer is always the same.
I KNOW what freedom means, I also know what it means when your country have been invaded by an enemy.
Freedom for me started when we were liberated in our small village in the Flanders during WW2. The war was not yet over and the battle of the Bulge was still to be fought. We in the North counted our blessings.
We were FREE.
I never have taken that word, the feeling, for granted.
Happy Freedom, may the whole world find it.


We have a relative who lives on the other coast. We have communicated by phone and letters for decades. I can't remember one time that I had the guts to open up the letter as soon at it came in. I would let the letter sit there, on the table, move it to the desk, move it a bit further so I did not have to look at it.

Then guilt would set in. This person took the time to sit and write! This person may have something good to share. You need to read this.
So...I would slowly use my letter opener and in slow motion open the envelope. I already knew what was in it. The car no doubt needed a transmission, one of her kids would be in jail, she needed a walker for new injury, or she had another funeral to go to.
I can't remember ever having read her be jolly about ANYTHING.

I pondered on this the other day when another letter arrived with the dreaded return address. I know this person has problems, I know life is not easy for her. Yet I have a dislike to reading about it over and over again.
Then it hit me, hit me right in the eye. Lordy, I had become that person too.
I am living, dreaming,talking, reading, writing, observing a disease called Alzheimer"s. I have become the "bad news lady" in my conversations, writings, emails, blogs.

So for a week I am deciding to TRY and not give that disease another minute of my time.
I am becoming so damn boring and this has to stop.
I should not be writing letters which sit on someone's desk and he/she is afraid to open it and have to hear the laments of a caregiver.
It is what it is so it can't be changed.