Sunday, August 31, 2008

Excited about election

Now that the cards are on the table and we know the players so we can see
who should win the jackpot.
Geez, are we going back to the middle ages?
This Alaska bird has been on ice too long, she should take a trip tp San Francisco and
visit some gay couples, she should go to New Orleans and see what a hurricane can do and expected to do again, she should visit New York and check out where the towers where.
She should visit out soldiers in the major hospitals , she needs to pray that her son does not
end up there.
Least of all she should visit China, one must be nice to the people we owe money too, no?
Maybe bring them a salmon or two.
Go talk to the nut house in Iran, check out what legacy Bushy has left behind.
Alaska???Where is that? at the end of the Carnival Cruise.

Hillary could not be cloned so this is the answer????????

I am having such a great time this week!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Biden more than Obama , the man is not a wealthy politicians, what does that mean to little old me? Means he did not collect a lot of "do re mi" from the people he owed favors too.
He did not fill his pockets with special interest , if he had he too could have many houses.
He is a regular Joe. But one with brain power and he can talk.
I do not care if he takes the air out of the room as some say, I love what he has to say,
I learn from him.
On to November, Obama time and lets home Teddy can be there in January as he promised.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


Yesterday was a bad day, I went shopping with daughter and upon my return son handed over his dad and said:"You can have him".
Translate= I had a bad day with him.
Old Bob was agitated , he stayed that way the whole evening so I had us go to bed early and gave him his Tylenol PM hoping he would sleep.
Today, I was home from work, he got up about 10 and looked like he did not know me.
That kind of day again, I told myself.
Told him that I was here to take care of him.
His answer was: I do not know who I am, where I am, I am confused, I need Carla,
all this is said with great difficulty as he can't make a sentence.
The Carla, or Caren could not come out very well and we know no one with that name.
I thought maybe we were back to the car issue.
He sat with his hand around his head and was clearly in a bad state.
After awhile , after cajoling, hugging and kisses he seemed to be happy with that
attention and rested a bit.
The rest of the day he went from room to room , looking at his paintings, inspecting son's room, and mumbling. In and Out, jacket on and off. It is 85degrees so the jacket is not needed
but on it goes and he refuses to take it off.
I am exhausted from watching him. Worried he would wander.
Asked work to cut my days to 4.
If I can find a way I want to be home now.
I am getting so tired.
I sleep but have mostly nightmares or somebody who wants to take away my Maltese.
I feel like I am 90 , these days.
Even so I also think that the adjustments at the chiropractor are helping.
ok so I got all this off my chest, now on to the convention tonight.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Comparing notes.........................

We all seem to have some cross to bear.
A young friend of mine was told by her charming husband that he wanted out of the marriage.
They are in the middle of the hussle about mortgages and will no doubt loose the house.
He is fed up being poor so , I am guessing, he thinks that leaving his wife and 2 children is
going to be the answer.
The poor girl , in her thirties, is beside herself.
She does not know how she can afford to live with her 2 teen age girls with the small salary
she earns.
As I was falling asleep I was thinking about her.
I saw the big tears rolling down her cheeks and nothing much I could say but hug her.
I sent her to the place of abused women. They have ways to find lodging and stuff like that
to start over again (I hope).
My troubles seemed so small next to hers.
I looked at my husband who was just snoring and talking to himself in between the noise.
I was wondering what he must be dreaming/
Does the memory come back in your dreams?
Our lives are almost over but that girl is starting a shaky road.
But .....another thought came to me and that was a photo of myself
age 36 , alone with 2 girls, ages 8 and 10.
Had not worked in ages, I had insisted on being an at home Mom.
Did I make it?
I sure did and I did so much better when that life was behind me
and I started anew.
So I started to think about my friend and saw her smiling in her future surroundings.
She will be fine.
We all have a crooked road now and then.
Eventually it becomes straight.

Saturday, August 16, 2008


I was surprised to hear from someone asking me on how to travel with a spouse who is afflicted with dementia/Alzheimer.
She reminded me that I had gone away with B after he was diagnosed.
So the memory film came into action.
Two experiences come to mind. Numero Uno!
Our friend in San Fran wanted to return to Spain, we had been there the year before
and we travel well together. I am guessing it was about 5 years ago, Bob was still able to drive.
By then I had spent a great deal on very expensive medication. The cost was around 600 to 700 a month and we truly did not know if it would help. (It did) My saving dwindling too fast I just had to refuse to go anywhere. Next thing I know tickets were purchased for us and we went together to Torremolinos. I had the promise from our friend that with the two of us to watch over Bob , what could go wrong?
First of all , in a great deal of the restrooms in airports you have one big hallway to the toilets.
You can get in on both sides and you come out in different aisles. Not always but it can happen. It happened in the Madrid airport when B got lost and we had to go search for him.
Incident number one, none of us had thought about. I watched him like a hawk when he used the fascilities in the airplane and making sure he knew where I was standing , waiting for him.
During our vacation it was not too bad, we did have 2 to keep an eye on him.
However one day when I went shopping for our lunch, our friend decided to smoke on the balcony, Exit Bob who decided to find me.
Lost again, we were lucky our tour guide saw him in a side street and brought him back.
We each had a sofa bed situated in a corner so I quickly put them together , in that order B would have to step over me at night and I would wake up.
Our friend did not perceive the emergency in the situation, B could still have conversations and just had glitches of not knowing where he was.
I knew better, by then I knew how quickly he could get lost, outside a bathroom in a restaurant, sightseeing with others, he also learned to follow me and vice versa.
Our visit went pretty well, it was a bit of a chore to be on "watch" all the time but we also had a lot of fun.
On the way home we missed our last plane. We had to taxi from Kennedy to La Guardia in 5 o clock traffic, the foreign kid drove from one street to another and I was wondering if we
were still in NY state. Fortunately he knew his way and got us there just in time for us
to wait in line in case someone was a no show.
All of this was enormous confusion for B. He just did not get it.
He just did not know what was going on and as we ran in the long aisles of La Guardia
I constantly had to grab him to move quickly and stay with me.
Then he decided he needed the bathroom so I had to ask a gentleman to make sure he came out of the right exit. I almost went in after him, I guess I could have been arrested but at that moment did not give it much thought.
3 minutes before take off we were assigned seats, separate seats.
Try that one!!! I brought him to his seat in the back and returned up front waving all the way so he would understand that I was on the plane.
I was a wreck, sweating from running, anxious, hungry and afraid to use the bathroom myself till we went into the plane.
When we landed I was in the mainstream of people getting off and I just could not get to the side till he came, pushing and shoving I found myself right by the door of the plane and stopped there to catch him. He had other ideas, he went by the stewardess ready to get into the cockpit, not a wise move. I think 3 people jumped him while I was screaming out his name.
We got home and I decided that a plane trip with him was not going to happen again, not ever.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Watermelon lesson

My boss has the sweetest little tike, she is 1 1/2 and is starting to talk.
Today we tried a new word :"watermelon"
No way can I explain how she pronounced it, there was a lot of bl bl sound.
Watermelon was not exactly the sound we got.
We giggled and teased the poor kid in repeating it over and over again
and she knew she had an audience so she continued her babble.
This little vignette was in my memory bank all day and it brought me a smile.
Then I came home with my own watermelon and started to carve it.
Husband looked at me and then the fruit and he truly looked very
puzzled. Only last week did he have some and enjoyed it.
As I brought him a plate I pointed to the watermelon and said:
Help yourself to watermelon, dear.
He looked at me and then the counter and said "thank you" he picked up
his glass of milk and put it on the plate.
The watermelon is no longer in his vocabulary.
Is it to eat? Obviously he did not know that.
I was just comparing my day, a child excited that she can say the word and
an older person who no longer knows what he is looking at.
One is starting life and one is leaving.
The lesson was so small yet made such an impact.

I thought that just last week he knew this and now it is gone,
just last day makes a difference.
One day surprises you even when you KNOW in your heart that it will

As the tears are starting to surface I am fighting the flow.
How many tears can we produce in a a life time?
How many did we shed in the last 10 years?
Why are they always ready to just run down your cheeks and overwhelm you
with grief.
You know the diagnosis, you know how it will play out, you know all the facts so
why can't you just calm down and face the situation for what it is?
I have tried, there have been periods when I do very well but for the most
part I fall apart.
Chloe rejoices at her new word and Bob thinks a watermelon is a glass of milk.
So this is life, old girl, learn to cope with it.
Try to laugh at the old man and say : Silly man this is your milk! Here is a slice of
Simple as all that! or is it?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Why blog?

My best friend in Mass. tells me that she keeps up with me via my blogs.
Oh boy! Oh boy!
Why do I blog?
First of all it started because husband's family were in denial about his condition.
Every phone call was sort of questioning me if I was telling the truth.
Why? because on the phone he could make conversations talking about the childhood and all "seemed" well.
So I started the blog in order not to have to write to them what was going on.
Did it help? I do not think so.
Then the habit started to pour out myheart and soul in these pages when I was
down and out.
So , dear Lee, you read about my worst times.
Blogging was quite new to me but I am a fast typist so that seemed better for me
than doing my own diaries.
I would put them in a safe place on my desktop or some other computer file and then forget about it and erase them when I did a clean up.
The blogs also remind me of other days when things really shook my cage and how I got out of it that particular day.
Yesterday, for instance I was quite angry at the man who now lives here.
As I wrote before I was sort of nursing tomato plants even with the water restriction and son was very proud of his watermelons growing so well.
So, yesterday the water melons got picked by old B. problem is they were the
size of a golf ball.
I was not a happy camper and figured that I can still go and buy a watermelon but
that was not helpful to my reasoning.
He had not a clue that he even did it and what they were.

Pondering over my last 10 years I noticed that Alzheimer affected me tremendously.
It is not about just learning to deal with it or ignore it.
It affects your very inner core.
For instance I had my RED period. I am not a "red" person. Never wear it and just
do not buy "red" trinkets except for an elf or two with a red hat on , they are in the garden blending with the roses.
About 5 years ago, I NEEDED red color in my life. I bought a large print full of poppies and hung it over the bed. I bought wine colored curtains for the bedroom ,they even have little red beads on them, very appropriate for a bordello but not for my bedroom and I loved them.
I was looking everywhere for vibrant , jump into your face colors.
That was 5 years ago.
Now I want beige curtains like I had before. Too bad I gave them all to the Goodwill as my budget does not exactly allow another set of curtains and drapes.
What's up with the colors? I asked my children.
One said :You are angry and the other said that I want to cheer myself up.
I have not a clue.
I know that everything inside of me has changed to and fro on almost everything I knew
before Alzheimer came to stay.
My enormous faith changes from day to day.
Why am I being punished like this? (Old Catholic coming out again)
Why does he have to finish life in this slow motion with all his joie de vivre and
artistic ability gone.
Where is he now? Does he see people he talks to?
Will I be around long enough to take care of him.?
Often it is more about MOI than about him and then the guilt sets in.
What kind of a wife am I? Did he not take care of me with so much love all these years?
Indeed MOI is leaving me too. I am so often exhausted from seeing him do the same thing minute after minute. He goes into the fridge every 3 to 5 minutes in a day.
He always wants to drink, whatever he finds he drinks or puts it into a glass and hides it
behind something and gets another glass etc..etc..
so what is so bad about that?
Nothing really but when you watch it 24/7 , when you cant get into the bathroom because that is the next stop every 5 minutes, when you can't be understood all of this adds up.
With a child you can say"no more drinking for the next 30 minutes". That does not work
with Alzheimer, he does not know what you said the second after you said it.
My joy time is when I lay down in bed at night and try and sleep.
The bad time is at 3 a m when I wake up and decide the monsters will get me.
The money monsters, the "what is next " monster, how can I keep my sanity monster....
about 5 o clock I am exhausted and think that 7 will be here soon and I have to go to work.
Then I worry if my son will hear him if he would fall or have a stroke or go out.

The man said it at the Alzheimer group some 8 years ago now:
Nothing in your life will ever be the same again!
I did not want to hear it, now I know better.

Dear friend in Mass. you have known me forever, I am a fighter, I am a survivor,
I am holding on. Not to worry

Party at the Biltmore

I was invited, I did not want to go. I wanted to stay home and just crash ,ignore what is outside.
I had to make sure I had a nice presentation as I was going to a party of my daughter's employers.
They were serving prime rib, I can't remember when if ever I ate prime rib. It was never in my budget. So that does not appeal to me.
Finally, I thought if I continue this trend of not wanting to go somewhere I am going to be agorophobic like my son.
So I tried on several outfits till I did not care what I looked like and threw something on
dressed up with jewelry , a touch of lipstick and ready to go.
Daughter too was in no mood to go but we made sort of a gloomy pair on the way to the
house where the festivities were.
It's a grand house, mind you, In fact the biggest privately owner castle in the USA.
It is the Biltmore house. All employees were invited and could bring a guest . Appreciation was given by the Cecil's who own the place.
The dinner was great, I had very nice juicy turkey , daughter's plate was covered by the
prime rib!!!!One could even go for seconds if one could finish the first plate!!
The son and daughter who took over the management of the "House" gave speeches of thanksgiving to the employees.
They are extremely low key. They do treat their employees very well.
So I sat on the terrace with the Vanderbilt ghosts peering out of their windows , I think they must have been pleased and I was too that I made the effort to get out and enjoy
an evening with my gorgeous daughter.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Flowers are wilting so am I

Flowers are beginning to wilt as we are on a water restriction program.
I am sad, my farden is always a joy.

Had a very busy week , Grandson from Sweden visited often during his vacation here.
He was a sweetheart. Grand son , almost teen ager Zack was here a few days, then Peter the other 9 year old and then Oscar from Texas.
A lot of male interaction.
Sometimes B had to interfere and give them some rules.
Most of the time was spent playing different games.
Some outdoor stuff but the 90 plus heat stopped that rather quickly.

Next week back to normal./
Old dad will be happy , too much commotion

I walked home today and went out to lunch by myself at a restaurant in the old mini mall where I had my shop for 27 years.
The decor had changed, the owner had changed.
It was not too busy there for lunch anyway.
I invited all the people from the past to join me to lunch, wherever they are............
Big John, little John ,his wife, Inez, Carol, Louise, Boyce.....
we lost a bunch in those years
I did enjoy my lunch, I even had my back to the big flat screen on the wall.
I wanted to be alone with my own movie.
It was amazing how it all came back.
I saw Carol in her old store before she moved with her counter in the middle and a smile on her gorgeous face.
Louise across the hall in the first craft shop that Hendersonville had.
She was stern and a no nonsense lady.
Carol would run in the afternoon to the ice cream counter which later became the Samovar.
The center mall was quiet.
Bob had a one man show there.
Must have been about 1976.
My little shop was minuscule, I paid 90.00 rent a month.
SOmetimes it was hard getting that together.
Had B's paintings and some antiques we brought with us from Europe.
Inez had her beauty shop when we came in there.
She lasted forever and left us with lung cancer as did the Samovar owner , her name I fergot.
Every hairdo that came out of the beauty shop was the same.
The old ladies loved Inez.
I could still see the opening of the Samovar.
A couple of young yuppies had opened a restaurant named the Alley Kat and it
was a great success so with that in mind they came to our
deserted mini mall and opened up the Samovar.
A brass Samovar was standing in the middle of the wall.
I felt sorry for these people as they were putting a lot of money in that area.
Opening day came and the yuppies were lined all the way to the parking lot.
I had never seen anything like it there.
We had it made, the restaurant is what kept us alive.
Oh Gosh ...too many memories for one blog.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


Now I am pissed.
But it had to happen.
Too much sunshine, no rain= restrictions.

Hendersonville implements mandatory water restrictions
published August 5, 2008 11:13 am

HENDERSONVILLE – Hendersonville residents will not be permitted to water lawns or fill swimming pools as the city implements mandatory water restrictions.


Hendersonville officials made the announcement today, citing the drop in the flow of the Mills River.

Because Hendersonville provides water to Laurel Park and Saluda, those towns will also be required to implement mandatory restrictions.

“As the Mills River continues to drop in flow, the city of Hendersonville is implementing mandatory water restrictions to ensure our ability to meet the core water needs of customers," according to a news release from the city. “By declaring a Phase II water shortage condition, the city and county will enforce restrictions on a number of uses, and violators may be subject to disconnection of their water service or a fine of up to $500.”

Until mandatory restrictions are lifted, the following restrictions are in place:

• Watering of lawns, shrubs, trees and flowers is prohibited.

• Vegetable gardens may only be watered once a week up to one inch of water.

• New or existing pools may not be filled.

• Washing of sidewalks, decks, driveways, patios, or homes or buildings is prohibited.

• Washing cars is prohibited, unless at a commercial car wash which recycles water.

• Operation or filling of ornamental fountains, pools or ponds is prohibited.

• Drinking water at restaurants shall not be served unless requested by the patron.

• Operation of water-cooled air conditioners is prohibited, unless the water is recycled.

• Any other unnecessary use or intentional wasting of water is prohibited.

According to the release, residents can help with the city’s enforcement effort by reporting violations or problems to the city’s Drought Response Hotline at 233-3215. A coalition of Hendersonville water and sewer employees, city code inspectors, city police and county sheriff deputies will be used to enforce the Phase II water restrictions.

Voluntary conservation above and beyond the mandatory restrictions is strongly encouraged, according to the release.

Use of rainwater or other recycled water for any of the above uses is not restricted. For instance, the city will continue to use recycled water to water plants in planters on Main Street.

The city of Hendersonville water system serves a population of over 60,000 residents in Henderson County, and draws its water from the Mills River. The city also purchases water from the Asheville.

In addition to its direct customers, the city provides water to the Town of Laurel Park and Saluda, both of which will be required to implement mandatory restrictions based on Hendersonville’s restrictions. A decision to lift mandatory restrictions will be made based on continued monitoring of customer usage and the rate of flow in the Mills River.

I spent too much money flowers to see them die in August.

Hate this.

We have been catching rain water this summer but that supply will soon be gone.

I will have to shut down the water feature and let it dry

where will the frog go? Return the fishes to Sabrina/

Anyone know a good rain dance?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Fear is my middle name

Fear of rejection, fear of sounding dumb, fear of not enough money, fear of asking too many favors, fear for others, fear of others.

Seems the older I get and the less control I have over my life the more fear walks in.
I do not like it.
How to conquer it? I dunno.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Day is over

It is evening and the day went well because they had me working in the shop till 6
I am exhausted but it will do me good towalk that much, maybe get the mud out of my head.

Bob again gave milk to the dogs when I just told him not to.
Ate hardly anything, keeps giving it to the dogs.
Gave him his milkshake so he would have something in him with calories.

Glad it is time to go to bed.
Last night I opened a shop again, what a nightmare that would be.
Went well in my dream but thanks no longer for me.

Good night world.
Goodnight Ari wherever you are, if you meet Meme tell her I miss her but it is good that she is not here to hear my complaints , or is she?

Day is over

Another hot week

The temps have been way too high for this old gal.
The fans are working overtime in all the rooms.
I keep seeing this image of Elizabeh Taylor on a porch in the South fanning herself
was it "a cat on a hot tin roof?" or was it "Giant?" I think Orson Wells was in it too.
So this is the South, I thought, I will not go there.
Well, I have been here over 30 years now.
Get used to it old gal.
You are not going anywhere else or are you?

Home life makes me again angry, I can't make up my mind , be angry, cry, make jokes of it all,
in what file can I find the right mood.
Lets see, there is a file here "Everything is great with the world"
Yeah right.
Oh here is one" Pick yourself up and just do one step at a time"
OK that file will do for today but I can make the steps with a bit of anger.

The whole week I looked at B like he was a stranger.
He is a stranger, he stole my husband.
He continues to think all cars are his.
He checks doors all the time.
We tell visitors to lock their cars.
The girl across the street locks her car!

So far he left the tomatoes alone, one is making it into a red shade without his
assault. Great!
So far 3 watermelons have been allowed to get bigger.
I check them perhaps 4 times a day.

We got a sort of nanny camera and we can see where he goes in
the front and back yard.
It is a great tool, ot was inexpensive, we got it at Toiys R US

Son goes into different modes of grieving but he does not talk much.
He is moody.
I always want to please people so I am trying to see if I can fix it only
to aggravate his mood.

I no longer enjoy my work as I used to but then also I do not want to
come home after work.

What is this a nagging day?
Lets see if I can get to work and see if I can hear some laughter, we are
having an employee day with discounts and chicken and ice cream.