Wednesday, May 26, 2010

festivals !!!!

Have not been to a festival in a long time. This week end is a double!
Flowers in Hville and White Squirrels in Brevard.
Peter and friend plus Mama will take Meme to both of them.
Life is good, indeed.


A visit to the chiropractor gave me a lot of relief yesterday. Swelling was down 50 %. No pain when going to sleep, no medicine needed.

I found someone who goes often to the same office and will take me along once or twice a week. I think I will do that and see if we can speed up the healing and being steady on my feet.
Yeah Yeah Yeah

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I love you

Today when we visited Bob he was a bit more with it. When we left he said :
I love you!

I pretended that he knew who I was and left with a smile.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The rest home

Visited Bob alone, friends dropped me off. Here is the short version:
Bob sitting in a chair in the hall. Head down. Probably taking a nap. Next to him a woman about 60 years old with a mean look in the eyes, she is in a wheelchair. She is clapping her hands in a rhythm twice, then three times, back to twice. She stares at him. Then she starts to yell at him. He does not budge.I touch him gently not to startle him. He looks at me smiles, ignores the yelling like she is not there. She has pale blue eyes and they look mean and disturbed, her hair is neatly combed.  She yells louder and louder, I get a few words "you do not give a damn" .......another woman comes out of her room , she is almost bald, the bleach blond hair is still flowing on the back of her head. She is paper thin, she is very neat in white slacks and a red blouse, she also is very coherent (a rarity on this floor) she starts yelling back at the accuser.
"You stop swearing at this man, I will have none of it, you swear and I do not like that"
She turns to me and asks if I belong to "him". I answer meekly :He is my husband.
Then she really gets mad because by now the fighter is grabbing Bob's sleeve.
"You leave her husband alone, you are swearing at him, do not touch him"
With that she turns the wheel chair around pushes the noise at full speed down the hall.
Bob did not even see any of it.
He just sits, I gave him a banana and he starts to eat and shows me I should have half. He always did that, he always shared. I tell him he has to eat it all and I wait till it is gone.
It is very quiet now. The rescuing lady comes back and I say "Thank you" she smiles and goes back in her room.
It is so depressing, it is frightening, we think that this too can happen to me.
The thought is very scary. But then I evaluate what just happened to Bob. He just did not pay attention to any of it, he is in another world.
I kiss him goodbye and he waves, I can go he has no objections.
I meet the mean one in the other hallway she is yelling at someone else now.  She has a lot of people like Bob who do not care, me? she scares me.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Painting and hurting

Rhonda started it all with painting the office wall, she has done this as a profession, she is fussy, she takes time.
She fills the cracks on the paneling so you do not know it is paneling under there. I would slap the paint on top!
I am faster, I am also sloppier.

BUT, now that I have open cans of paints around me I am also painting whatever I want to. Old Bob would have protested on some of my wild colors. Old Bob was conservative. I am partly hippy, bohemian, daredevil. Since the house is on the historical (read histerical) roster I can't change the color outside. BUT inside I can now go wild. I am transplanting the Caribean into my office, I need color, warm color.That is my mood now.
No matter that I live in the Blue Ridge Mountain region.
Outside I have been painting whatever planter needed royal blue, turquoise, etc...I have to do it in the morning, the afternoon and evening the ankle is so swollen that I need to sit with the leg up high !!!!The pain is worse now then when I had a cast on! Go figure, I am reading that a lot of "stuff" in there needs healing, tendons, muscle, veins, ligaments, whatever holds my foot together it is healing with some fight.
I am not truly complaining that much, I am lucky I can walk, but I am too much in "doing" and get frustrated. I have time for all this, it will all wait but I am not the waiting type and that I have to learn.
Sabrina coming tomorrow, I am looking forward to seeing Bob and I can ride the electric chair in the store to do my shopping. Sabrina can park in front of the store. Perks to this, I guess, but I can do without them too.

Monday, May 17, 2010


Ari, tomorrow is an anniversary to remember, two years since you left us.
I still see you sitting on the porch with me and hugging me.
I still miss you a lot. Your son looks like you and his skin has that same glow as yours did. He is a nice kid.
He is so polite and I love it when he is visiting us.
Girl, you taught me so very much, you were a diamond in the rough but you were the best advocate for the ones who no longer could stand up for themselves. I had not seen so much devotion before I met you. I did not know people like you existed. Your work was not your work, it was the passion you had to help others in need so you did it with joy and determination.
You were so young and such a role model for the rest of us.
I so wish you were here to talk to me but then you always will be with us.

May 17 2010

So 3 of my Sunday eve shows are finished for th summer. Bummer.
I am addicted to them so now what.
Soon Idol will be over too.

Had a good day yesterday but overdid it and too much pain in the evening, i just do not know when to stop.

We are having bouts of a bit of rain and thunder, I have to watch the dogs they get so frightened that they try and stay within inches of my legs. Do not want to trip!!!!

Young Bob is having bad days. I so wish I could have a magic wand and help him.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sunday May 16 2010

I get up and walk like I am 20.
By noon I walk with a cane like I am 90
By evening there is too much pain to walk unless I Aleve it. BUT I have to learn patience and soon I will walk into town and visit too many stores.

Bob doing well at Golden Living and life is getting better and better, the sun is out and I planted 6 flowers now to the couch and leg up!!!!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Graduation day

I am not a big fan of graduations, for sure it is a hassle when you can't hear what they are saying 1/2 mile away and every one is clapping.
I did owe it to the girl who worked very hard for her chemistry diploma cum laude and will probably become a permanent part of our family.
She and my grandson are an item, have been for some time, probably will never marry but have a great devotion for each other and give each other a lot of space and freedom. She is bound for Africa to work on some project and he is bound for I can't even remember where.
I know Istanbul is in there somewhere ....we are to have a vacation together in July in Destin. Should be interesting.
Wild to think I have the freedom now to go some places if invited. This is a big invitation for me as I LOVE Destin.

Anyway, I people watched while the talking went on and on .....hope these professors are not that long winded in classes.  Asheville is a "new town" so to speak, a lot of young people , a lot of artists. So all style of clothing was to be observed. I went very casual , daughter very dressy, I did not give a hoot. I was there was n't I? I got up extremely early to be there too. Not my style anymore, I am a sleep in late baby these days.
Once home Rhonda continued the project of painting my office , she is a perfectionist , hope we are done by Xmas.
I am content.

Friday, May 14, 2010

He is on a mission

For the first time in 10 weeks I am at peace with Bob being in a nursing home.
Visited him tonight and he was not too concerned about Sabrina or I.
He was showing the cards which came from his sister and nieces.
He was very confused about it all but was rattling on about something that we just could not make out.
Then we slowly walked down the hall to the exit and he did not mind that we went instead he stopped at the ladies lined outside their rooms. They just Sit in a wheel chair or almost falling out of it. He took one little shrivelled hand and kissed it like a gentleman and smiled at her.
I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest.
That was my old Bob, the gentle caring soul, he was back in his element.
The nurse saw my emotion and said :"Yes, he takes care of this wing, he is our caregiver!!!!"
When I came home I finally relaxed and thought that now this was his mission.
Imagine an old lady just sitting in a chair waiting to die and then someone picks up her hand and gives it a kiss.
Even if she had a stroke or has Alzheimer  I just know that she must feel his caring and warmth.
I will sleep better tonight knowing that he is now the caregiver.
I have to know that he does more good there than sitting here by the window all day and falling asleep. He has purpose there and that I never expected.
His staying with me all these years was more about me. I had promised that I would watch him , my own health came in the way and yet I must know that he is in the right place at the right time.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Cool May

We are having weird temperatures, one day it is 80 the next it is 60.
In higher altitudes they have frost at night. I think we are about 2000 feet high.
Mothers day Sunday went well, looked for flowers but nothing got me excited, there is an abundance of petunias in all the stores. They are pretty until it rains.
I am waiting for better plants to come in.
Rhonda will paint my office and we picked the colors and paints at Lowes.
Wild colors I am into right now.
About 4 years ago I wanted red in everything. I am not a person who ever wears red but that was a weird period.
Red= anger, no doubt.
W visited Bob on Sunday since Rhonda had not seen him for awhile , Peter ran before us and Bob spotted him and went over to him. He said: "Oh My God" and shook Peters hand. No hugs.
Then he saw us and came and shook hands. No flicker in his eyes at all.
It was very busy, they were having a tea party for mothers. Lots of folks in the hallway. Bob hung on to my wrist did not want to let it go.
It took awhile to be able to get away.
Have the usual melt down in the parking lot. How I wish that I could still handle him. I have to give in that I can't.
Fortunately for my financial state he has been approved till August for Medicaid.
The bills had started to come in.....
5800 a month is a ton of money!!!!
I can breathe for awhile.

On saturday the sisters met and made up, relief. Relief. Let the drama stop.
The last 10 weeks had been too much of it.

Today is 10 weeks since my fall.
The last 2 days I feel a lot more secure in my walk but the swelling is still there.
I can see a light at the end of the "I want to walk" tunnel.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Nursing homes

In the last 10 weeks I have learned many lessons.
The one I did not want to learn was about nursing homes.
Forced after my fall to give Bob up to strangers we have had to deal with 2 different places.
First one was ok but it was a hospital with a program on observations for people having problems with violence.
Not all Alzheimer patients become violent but it does happen.
Second nursing home who would accept him was more difficult as now they had him written up as "violent".
He does get so when one touches him , wants to wash him or shave him.
For a small guy barely weighing but a bit over 100lbs he can hurt you.

He was placed in different wings of the place to see where he would fit the best. He did well in the second wing but the head nurse did not think so. It seems she was understaffed and could not keep an eye on him. He did go into other people's rooms and tried to find things in their chest of drawers. (Common with A. they like to hoard)
So there had been some agitation.
Worse the nurse said and I quote" I do not like your father here"
So daughter called in the powers in charge and he was put into another wing. They seem to like him there.
An ideal place? No! Where else can you go? all the centers with lock down for Alzheimer are filled for the moment and some with waiting lists.
and then there was my experience in my rehab center. Newly acquired by a large company that place was run with total order and most of all staff who cared. I felt like it was a spa.
Their A unit is filled up too.
We are a very small town and the choices are not many. We did learn by chance that there are differences.

Mother's day week end

I am not one to celebrate special days.
In fact it is one of my pet peeves.
If you can't be nice to me during the rest of the year then do not bring me flowers on birthday's, mom's day or any other holiday.
Holidays are a marketing tool, fine for the rest of the world. I just like it
when I know I have kids who care all the time.
No need for gifts to let me know how they feel.
Of course, I say that after I got the nicest gift from son (because I asked him- hypocrite that I am)
he gave me a very sturdy gardening bench, one I can sit on, turn it over and I can put my knees on and pull myself up again.
Last year I no longer could get up from a sitting on the ground position. A knee is not responding to that command!
This bench is fabulous as I now have it in the arms to push myself up.
Thanks to the rehab people and my 4 lb bar!!!!
So this week end the girls and I will go out to lunch, still celebrating Sabrina's 50 th birthday plus Mom's day and
then on Sunday Rhonda will take me to the garden centers and plant in my garden what I buy.
I will remember the flowers and mothers day just fine.

Thursday, May 6, 2010


Recuperation from the broken ankle is much slower than I anticipated.
But then I am slowly understanding the gravity of the injury.
Like my kids remind me daily :"Mom, do not over do it"
"Mom put your leg up"
I truly do not need their reminder as within 30 minutes of getting up the ankle and foot swell up like a balloon.
I have more discomfort now then when it was healing.
I hardly took a pain pill in rehab, none since I came home but now it is a daily Aleve.
The foot is fine and does not hurt at all
when I wake up, the swelling just adds to the discomfort and I am not a happy camper.
I see not a hundred but a thousands
projects that I want to do and they are
all on a backburner.
So I fall asleep in my recliner (a jewel!)
while watching reruns of Judge Judy!
I think I may have a law degree before I will get to painting the house!!!!

Monday, May 3, 2010


Is no posting better than posting when one is grouchy?
Grouchy for no good reason at all?
the much needed rain does not help either.

So I will stop it here

Sunday, May 2, 2010

May 2 2010

Old Bob doing well at the new wing he was placed. A new fellow came in and Bob took him by the hand and walked around the long hallways.
A nurse asked them where they were going and the new fellow said:
We want to find the working exit!
They tried all of them.
Of course they are all locked.
But the male nurse said that Bob is o helping people and walking around with them.
He is very caring, the nurse explained and I know that.
He always was. Just do not wash him and shave him and he will be fine.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

May 1 2010

So I have been in a snit all day long without a reason.

Went to the funeral service of a long time friend. She was 93. I just can't imagine being alive till 93. For one thing I do not have the money for living such a long life. Especially that at the end you have to get some bo bo's and they cost.

Drs. , nurses, hospitals, rest homes, the numbers are just making me dizzy.
I think even the well to do must be amazed at the costs.
Average rest home in the South 5800.00 a month. Not so long ago it was 4000.00 ~ it just rolls so easy out of the mouth's of the administration....5800.00 and then there is hair cuts extra , medication extra.
At one of the Alz.meetings a woman showed a bill for a psychiatrist who visited her husband once a week.
Her husband could no longer speak and was on the very last stage.
I forget the price for the expertise of the shrink communicating with an Alzheimr patient but the wife did hire a lawyer and got quite a bit slashed from her padded bill.
OK, so that did not bring up the mood.

the month of May

Tradition back home: give muguets~lily of the valley~to anyone to bring them luck~I went into the garden , big foot and walker and managed to give myself some "bonne chance".
I imagined the street venders in Gent on every corner with baskets full of lily of the valley. I know every lapel has a sprig of it and the scent is heavenly.
My kitchen now smells of them and I should be in heaven.
Instead I am having big time blues for second day in a row.
What gives?
I do not know.
I could sit here and cry buckets if I would lt myself but I am a big girl now.
Yup, a big old girl.
Bonne chance to all my friends, it is the first of May.