I am a creature of habits. They say if you do anything for 21 days it becomes a habit. So I thought (seriously) of breaking the Alzheimer's habit in my head. Ignore it every time it comes up. Look at hubby like he was "before".
Simple, I thought, and I actually did it. For 21 days? Are you kidding?
Honestly probably for 21 minutes.
I did do better in accepting "again" what is "normal" in my house.
I did quite well.
But the last 2 nights old habits surfaced in old Bob's head, the
two mistresses plotting together Miss Insomnia and Miss Hallucination.
They can wreck anybody's beauty sleep.
Bob liked whatever he was seeing, he was laughing out loud. He was making gestures in the air, I think he was picking flowers.
He was wide awake, did not know me and did not know the house either.
Son and I took turns to follow him around.
I just could not go to sleep even knowing that he was being watched.
I just could not do it.
Where was my resolution to forget about this disease? You just can't, it is in your bones, your skin, your heart and your soul.
Every day and night the thoughts follow you and work as you will to avoid them, they are there.
What you want to see as "normal" screams at you and tells you that there is no more "normal".
Lack of sleep makes me do goofy things like putting keys in the fridge and spreading butter on my peach. Then I freak out, oh am I next?
Son answers and asks mehow much I spent on my lunch yesterday and
sure enough I know it to the penny. Son laughs, tells me that NO I am not next, I remember more than he does. I go and take a nap with my dog.