Thursday, February 5, 2009

End of Freedom

I had it good for a few days.
I was floating. I worked hard during the free hours.
Made sure something nice was waiting for him when he
returned from Day Care.
Last Friday, a repeat performance.
I was warned by way of telephone that he was on his way home.
He had been a bad boy.
He had been knocking at the door and said that he wanted a bus to
Santa Cruz.
Make sense to me. He has asked the same here many times.
I just tell him maybe tomorrow there will be a bus.
Five minutes later he will forget it.
BUT it is different in the day care.
They are afraid he might turn violent.
Upset the other people or hurt them.
Youhave to understand Mrs K. we are afraid for our other patients
he can return and we hope he returns when he is more calm.
At that point I was in no mood to mince words.
I asked point blank: So you want sedated clients, so there would not be
a lot of work?
OH NO NO NO was the quick answer but he must be calmer to mix well
with the group.
So there you have it.
The VA sent Celesta, I am not sure if that will make him sufficiently
calmer for the day care but I have given up.
I was able to give him care for 11 years now and so I will continue to
do so.
Will I be stressed? Of course I will.
Is he difficult? No
Does he work on my nerves? Yes.
You see it is hard when someone is following you every where in the house.
When someone looks into the garbage every five minutes.
When someone drinks 1 ounce of a drink throws it out, opens the refrigerator
and fills another glass only to repeat the whole matter again.
One minute I can go upstairs and clean up his studio the next
he starts screaming that I am upsetting his desk so he can't paint.
He has not painted in 10 years give or take a few.

Every time son goes out the door he locks the door behind him.
Every hour on the hour if not more he checks the mail and
we have to scram to get it or it goes somewhere in an invisible world.

Would I like for him to go back to day care? Yes.
Do I want him sedated all day? No.
Then I can do it here too.

Shoot me if I ever start to forget anything important.
Just give me a whole bag of pills.
I do not want EVER to be such a burden to my kids.
Not ever.
The real husband would just die if he knew what he is doing.
He would be so upset.
There are moments that I can't help it and let the tears flow
he thinks that is funny. No comprehension about sad or happy.
I can get so angry but then why do that?
He does not know what he is doing.
They keep saying in the books (written for idiots) that
it is the Alzheimer's speaking not the person.
Well, hello!, you do not think that I know that?
I have become and expert on the subject,

I better go as he is trying to figure out where to sit close to me.
I am just venting.
Just venting.

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