Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The last reality check,

So Sabrina reminds me, like I need reminding.
"Mom, we need to pick up daddy's ashes today".
"are you up to that, Mom?"
Of course I am, of course. No small wildflower am I, I am a very strong purple orchid.
I stand tall and do not require much attention (Oh yeah?). Well, not so much lately.
I am telling myself every day that I am STRONG.
Dressed in purple today to do what is asked by the Alzheimer Association on their day.

Sabrina goes into the funeral parlor and I am listening to Sinatra on her new radio
gadget. Boy, does she like gadgets, seems this is a new radio for which you pay.
What will be next, she already has worn out some of these blackberries or is it
a blueberry. Who can keep up with this? Who has the knowledge for this?
Who has the money for this.
While Sinatra is singing I am trying to distract myself with all these questions.
Oh there is Nancy now. She never did have the pipes ...Frank kept them for himself.....
Oh...shoot...there is Sabrina holding a green bag with gold letters on it:
Shuller funeral home".
Do they expect me to go shopping with that bag? Scare everyone at the check out.
Opening of the car door, Sinatra keeps on going after all she paid for him this time...
I try and concentrate on his lyrics but Sabrina  will have none of it.
"You want Daddy in the back seat?"She asks.
"No, honey, on my lap".
Reality....I no longer hear the golden voice and I no longer know what to think.
I am holding a very heavy box situated in a useable shopping bag.
Grandson, Mr. Green, would like that.
So I am trying to figure out what I should feel right now.
I caress the box.....no vibes....no one whispering in my ear."It is I, honey, it is I"
I do not find any connection to the green bag and the man I kissed goodbye about 16 days ago.
So this has to be a trick. A horrible trick and I am not going to see him again.
Someone has snatched him away forever.
He promised me he would never leave me except for Rise Stevens, she is dead too.
He probably is asking her to sing to him right now.
Thoughts scramble in my head, I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be normal again.
Sabrina's voice shouts over Sinatra :
"Mom, can we have lunch now?"
"Lunch? Oh yes I need food"
My third or fourth "best friend" is food.
Have the derriere to prove it.
We drive to the restaurant and I suddenly start taking charge again.
Turn to Sabrina and in all earnest ask her:
"Brie , can we leave daddy in this hot car? Do we leave the ac running?"
My gorgeous daughter looks me in the eyes, first with a wondering look and slowly her eyes start to shine and twinkle like they did when she was little and found something very funny.
She burst out laughing like she is never going to be able to stop.
I am in a dream state. What is so funny?
In a mega second I find the answer. I said what?????
So I start to laugh and here we are Brie, Mom, Sinatra and ashes of my loved one in a very cool A/c car and we can't stop laughing and crying all at the same time.

Ashes , ashes, we all fall down from laughter
of course we know that in the game they were referring to the black plague.
We just are not yet used to have daddy in the form of ashes.
He lives in our heart, that is where he is. That is where he belongs.
Good night, Bob, wherever you are.
Watch over me because I am too much in the fog still and I do not want to trip and fall again.

No comments: