Thursday, October 14, 2010

kiss the chef? I don't think so

Weird week end it was and weirder week so far.
Of course I took up cleaning some closets, things which belonged to Bob had to be sorted out.
Most went to Hospice shop but he hid so much I had to be very thorough in checking pockets and such.
Slowly I am thinking about items which are no longer to be found.
Then man across the street told me Bob gave him a small painting.....
Bob did like to give things...s I am also searching for a lovely bracelet given to him by our friend L.
One of a kind made for him.
Frustrating .......................

Then I needed new blankets, wondered where I had stored the winter ones, then  remembered.
Bob had started to look for scissors and when he found one he cut up our best winter blankets.
A little corner here then a strip there and I have not a clue what he was going to do with this.
I remember how angry he was when I took away the scissors and told him that he ruined the blankets. He had no idea and looked at me with hatred in the eyes.  I am sure I did too.

The fact that we are bringing his ashes t the forest on Sunday is also on my mind.
Very much so.
It will not be easy and sort of unreal unimaginable .

I am feeling like I am on steroids or something, I sort of want to leave my skin behind and crawl out. Now that makes a lot of sense does it not? Wow, where is a shrink when I need one.

Books are written about mourning and perhaps I should read one,
BUT I need a manual on how to do a re-entry in "regular" life.
I am lost after all these years with one focus in mind.

I invited dear friends of ours who stood by me and deserve a nice luncheon in my house.
They have taken me out for lunch for years now and I could not reciprocate because Bob did not like changes in the house nor visitors.
I am supposed to be a fairly decent cook....that is..I was.
I have been thinking about this lunch day and night for days now.
What does one serve for lunch? What do they like?
I have not made coffee for 6 in decades, how many spoons to a cup? Forgotten.
Finally I bought some very nice cheeses and wil hopefully remember on how to bake a nice bread to go with it.
 You would think the queen of England is coming, these are very old friends, we go back almost 40 years.They would not give a damn if I gave them dry bread and water. Why am I so petrified of company in the house? I used to cook for 20 or 25 people and be so excited about it, cooked 2 or 3 days on a big meal .
Where did I go? Where is the woman from the old days?
Did caregiving so rob me of the normal lifestyle. Dr House on TV tells us that Normal is Overrated.
Guess so.
I ll be back on Tuesday to let you know how this luncheon ended.
Coffee may be so strong to put hair on your chest.
There is so much cheese that we may all need prunes with it to make life better, you get my drift.

And then there is the party.
Yup, I am invited t Sabrina's Halloween party.
Always tons of food but bring your own booze if you want to do that too.
I am excited about that but...but...hearing is such a big problem .....with tons of noise it is not any better....they will ask me if I like the new paint job in my office and I will answer somthing like :Yes, I am going home tomorrow afternoon, I miss my dog......just saying...a party is something to think about too.

When if ever will I be in the same shoes I wore before Alzheimer entered our door? When will I fit into society again? When will I cook with great joy again? When will I stop the crying and looking for Bob and memories in every walk I take. Why is it so hard to become "self" when "self" was almost destroyed and completely lost for years.
Like I took on the job one hour at a time with Bob for all these years I have to learn to be my own caregiver now and be kind to myself and learn to laugh and joke again.

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