Saturday, May 18, 2013

BECOMING A RECLUSE

My children know it, some friends know it, more important I KNOW IT.
I have become Greta Garbo and want to be alone.

I have to make an effort to go out to get groceries with my designated driver or to go out to eat or even to go and buy flowers,

I have dear friends , I have known them for over 40 years. They do not stop to invite me to weekly luncheons.
I have used all the excuses and I am running out of new ones. Every time the day of the engagement comes I am waiting for the phone to ring so that they will tell me that they can't make it.
I stew about what to wear. I have enough to fill a large closet so not to worry about that.
When I am finally dressed another 1/2 hour and a dozen earrings and none I like.
I drag my feet and watch the clock. They are enormously punctual. I start to be very anxious.
I do not want to go out. This house is such a safe place for me. I do not need anything else anymore.
I have accepted that I am alone, that old Bob will not come back. No longer the rides in the mountains on a moments notice. No longer surprise visits to and from kids.
Things are regulated now and I have to know when to be ready.

Son has agoraphia, he can't leave this house, he has his space and I mine but now and then he reminds me :"Mom, do you know how happy I would be to be able to go out to lunch or shopping? Do not become like me!"

My friends picked me up today and once I see them I am happy to be with them.
I can't hear a lot of their conversation so I end up taking the 1 1/2 hour we are together.
They know all the ins and outs of my kids, my situation and they listen quietly.
No judgment, no suggestions, they just listened to what must be the most boring lunch time they have every week. When we walk out the Catholic guilt enters and I think to myself :"what did I do now" same as last week. Verbal overload. Guilty.
They drop me off at my castle and I figure that I had a very nice lunch and look what I would have missed.
I would have missed seeing them healthy and ready for summer trips and a very business life they lead yet still I know they will call again and I will go the round again saying I truly do not want to do that.

3 comments:

Sabrina Kensinger said...

Bob is right, he would give anything to be free. I remember all to well the panic attacks when out with friends. I was lucky they went away and yet it still comes back every now and then, until I remind myself "I don't do that anymore!" "We" will be back on track soon and hopefully our (now) Fridays together will be our new normal!! Keep on fighting you fear!!!

Angela said...

Brie is quite right...it is all too easy to give in to "becoming a recluse"...it is just NOT in your nature and never will be!!
You have a hearing problem, that's all...you are an educated interesting, very knowledgeable, funny, lovely woman, but I don't think hiding away is in your nature.
You need to pace yourself a little bit maybe....too much has been happening in your life recently all at once...and then you were the best customer any garden centre could wish for the last few weeks..please slow down just a little and don't deny your lovely friends of over forty years the pleasure of your company...
Hugs x

Jeannot said...

OK OK OK Girls, I hear you. Lee talked to me ,she is 2 years older, she said that what she read she remembered her mom saying and now she added I do that too. It's an old lady thing, wait till you are 80!My two brats!