June 8th - his birthday

Soon it will be the first birthday without him and without cakes
and well wishers.
Last year we went to the home and brought the large cake.
He was very confused about it, ate a little bit of it.
Did not want to sit in the special room and was uncomfortable
until we walked back into his hall way and the familiar nurses.
He would be 85 this year.

I miss him so much.
I dream about him almost every night and I tell people:
He has Alzheimer he does not know you.
Sometimes he drives and I say to him that he is not
allowed to do that, he ignores me, of course.
The years of caring have taken a toll on me mentally
as well as physically. I am a very changed person.
How so?
Sometimes I am bitter, it is not my nature to be so.
Sometimes I feel that life is cheating us.
Sometimes I wonder why I thought our golden years were going to be so
good.
I did not prepare for Alzheimer, who does?
He over came prostate cancer and he was very healthy.
I was the one who came down with bronchitis and bad throats.
He sat , read his Bible and Mary Baker Eddy so I figures as a
devout Christian Scientist he would overcome anything.
He spoiled me too much with his kindness and being a gentlemen.
Also Gentle.
He was such a nice human being.
I was so lucky so I should shut up already!
Looking back on the last 3 years I just do not know or comprehend
from where I did get the stamina to do the housework and watching him
day in and day out. The laundry was always in piles being behind.
Sheets had to be changed every day and often the covers too.
Food had to be smashed like for a baby.
He had to be dressed and he did not want to bathe.
A biggie.
How did I sleep at night when I was searching with my arm to see he was still in bed. I did that for months but stopped doing it a few weeks ago.
I am thinking that Bijou is him when I wake up < a few minutes later I
remember everything. Not Bob, it is Bijou.
Where did my courage come from then and why am I lacking it now?
I use the word "courage" in a French sense.
Mother always said : "Courage" meiske" she'd mix the French and Flemish like
we always do (that generation). I hear her whisper it and I am thinking
what the ....do I need courage for?
What is there to do?
Whatis there to look forward to?
Never mind, I ran out of my Lexapro for 5 days now.....so next week I will
be more alert.....need my drugs I think.