Thursday, November 4, 2010

Reconstruction of self

No, I am not going the Botox way nor the plastic surgery knife.
I am in a process of figuring out who I am.
No longer a wife.
No longer a caregiver.
No longer an auditor.
No longer a shop keeper,
No longer a doll maker.
No longer young, yet I think I am.
No longer able to plan on long trips.
No longer a snowbird in Florida come this January.
the list goes on ...so who am I?
Here is where the reconstruction starts.
OK I am single it sounds better to me than widow.
I take care of my dog.
I cook a bit for my son but I am not his caregiver, au contraire, he is starting to be mine.
I was asked to go back to my old job at Steinmart and I refused, I am too tired.
I try to remember and cream my wrinkles hoping they would vanish.....do not count on it either.
I will try and find short trips I can afford.. Nothing is the same in Belgium anymore
the last years aged everyone, cousin Etienne in nursing home with Alzheimer and strokes.
My childhood friend celebrated 80 and her husband is 86 m not an age to run around shopping like we used to and try every tearoom in town.
Alice is now 86 , I bet she still would love a drink in a cafe but she can't get on the tram , her knees
do not bend that well anymore.
Friend in Mass. is going to be 81 this month, oh God I think it is today I better email her.
Where do I fit in?
Where do I belong in this reconstruction?
Where can I help without being able to hear     ????
I used to be the chef supreme to my husband, he thought I was the best.
Son is very picky, very. How many dishes can I make without vegetables, without gravy?
I am heavy on the gravy, I am a Belgian, we like gravies.
Every day that we had potatoes left from our garden during the war my mom would make
this fabulous cooked potato with onion gravy. It was divine.
Where am I going? How much time left? How much money left?
Worse of all : how much energy left?
I will ponder more of this between my ups and downs.

I have always thought if there is a problem find a solution and start working at it.
No time to waste, do it.
Now I just fill the hours with what I want to do this minute and a lot of it is sleeping.
Kids say normal mourning cycle.
I hate acting like a victim , I am a big girl, I need to find my big girl pants and get with it.

1 comment:

Over Yonder said...

You are a wonderful roll model for ladies such as myself!! SERIOUSLY you are such a woman of grace. I greatly admire you. :) I REALLY want some of those french fries of yours sometime too!