I kept asking myself :"Will there be a life for me after Alzheimer?"
I could not picture such a thing.
I was totally immersed into Bob's disease and consequences.
I was totally out of control and that is hard for me.
I need to be in charge and have some control.
Alzheimer robs a human being of all dignity, of happy and sad memories, of the joy to know that you used to love and are being loved, robs you of being an active part in the society.
When you are diagnosed your life has started to slip already and the good part is that you do not know it. But how long will it be before your body gives up? The brain will just keep leaving you but it is up to the other functions to fail you into death.
The caregiver is in charge of keeping your body whole and watching that you don't go and play in traffic, so to speak.
The brain of the caregiver is going full speed with suggestions:I must do this, I must watch this, I must , I must, I should, I should, the consequences are to dire so you are on alert 24/7.
I no longer knew what regular life was. So I wondered "what will it be when he is gone?" How will I cope? How will I survive financially? How can I be without him?
Yesterday I found that there was truly life after Alzheimer.
Walking in the neglected yard I was scouting the ground for signs of something
new coming to life, a daffodil or tulip Maybe? where there tulips last year? I dont know. The crab grass is still dormant so I have to wait to see what will pop up and I look at my window boxes and wonder what I will put in them this year.
I feel alive and well.
Then I remembered the feeling deep inside of me that the other years I just did not give a damn, I did not clean up the yard, did not trim back, did not blow my budget on plants like I used to do.
The yard, the house, none of it mattered anymore. I gave stuff away to strangers, and liked it when it was gone.
Frank and Sabrina came to clean up end of season, I did not care.
I said thank you and did mean it , glad it looked a bit neater but down deep I did not give a hoot.
That was pretty much the last 3 years.
Before Bob left me in September I had the ankle breaking in 3 pieces that too set me back some, so I was grounded for a good 6 months and only now do I feel it has totally healed. What a blessing.
Some people suffer with this all their lives, pain etc...
I could dance if I did not have the vertigo creeping in and fall flat on my derriere, not a pretty sight.
So yesterday in the garden, looking for life in the grass and flower bed I just knew, just knew there was life after Alzheimer and glory be I am probably going to go overboard on my plant budget again and I am going to be OK with money because this Grandma Moses is making jewelry.
Life is good and Bob I miss you but I also know you are here to watch over me.
No way if there is a chance in an after life , no way will you leave me be alone.
I got to know that and start looking for blue butterflies.