Monday, January 4, 2010

Dear Diary,

Remember when life was simple and you wrote : Dear Diary, everyone hates me, my mother is mean to me....blah blah blah." or something in the genre of "he smiled at me, does it mean he loves me?"

How simple was it all, or was it?

I once wrote a note that I missed my father (he had left us) and I got an enormous slap in the face from my Mother.
She was not supposed to find my note. We were too poor to have a diary book to write in but if I found paper, I would write on it. No matter that the butcher just brought a cheap sausage in it. No matter the fat or blood I would write notes.
I did not know that I was venting my feelings.

So here we are 7 decades later and I am still venting.

Dear blog,
the last 3 days were not easy.
No respite with day care.
I am worn out.
Last night he did not want to sleep in our bed, he wanted the people out of the living room, he did not like what I fixed for food, he continuously gave milk and people food to the dogs and I threw away more precious fresh food - read I am a ww2 products cant stand to throw away- . The 701.00 bill from a bad stomach on my dog is still laying heavy on my stomach.

So when he started to yap about this and that I should have (hate the" should" word ) been quiet but I was tired from him following me, being cold (it is 12 F outside-heater is very old-only gives out so much) so I yapped back and since we are now both deaf, it does get on people's nerves.

No not the imaginary people in the living room but the nerves of my son were also on the edge and he yelled at me to STOP. I said :"I am venting" and he answered :"Go vent on the phone to my sisters, I do not want to hear it".

First reaction was that I now was also angry at son. Then I thought about it in the calm of the night and figured that he has a point too. He no longer sees the father he loved so much and the father has been telling him every day to GET OUT! My responding to ridiculous Alzheimer talk is just ludicrous and I know it .

So I sit down the next morning (now) and write in my diary.......dear diary..................

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I can really identify with that. I have ALWAYS needed to write. Talk? eh I could take it or leave it but I have to write. I am very thankful for my blog. It keeps me semi sane. :)