how will it all end

March 19 2010
I am still in rehab with the broken ankle.
How will it all end?
How w ill the pain stop?
I want to see Bob and I don't want to see him changing like he is doing now.
I want to go home and yet how will I sleep in our bed without him there?
I want to throw out his clothing like he had never been there.
Why be so angry?
I am the one who stopped the scenario with breaking my ankle or I would
still be there with him.
Sick and tired, yes, and he beligerent? yes.
How can I continue? We had 42 years together.
Its like a woven tapestry full of our memories of trips, good and bad days, feast or famine days,
but always the love between us. How can I finish the tapestry and put on a border to
make it end or do I continue with just my colors and finish it for the both of us?
Tonight I am aching, aching so badly.
He was my best friend.
How do I continue? why do I continue?
I am so confused, so tired, so alone.
When someone comes in and is jolly I want to close the door behind them and
say : Please stay , please stay.
 Nothing is funny anymore and nothing is interesting anymore.
How can I continue? Someone tell me, how can I survive this pain.
I thought I had said goodbye for 13 years, I thought to be so
so tired that I would welcome to give him in a nursing home.
Now it feels like I just never wanted to say goodbye, in the end that is why
I kept him  with me. I did not want him to leave, down deep I just
wanted him to stay forever, even in his state of mind. he was still there and I could still hug him and
often he would return the hug.
Someone tell me how can I be without him?