I am trying. Oh! How I am trying.
But how can I when I think about Meg back in ICU with blood clots in the heart and lungs, possible damage to her heart, she is a kid.
Zack with bad reactions to the chemo, numbers down, trush, needs blood transfusion tomorrow. Medicine that tastes like hell and he tries to be a kid who does not complain.
I am trying to turn it all around like I used to....trying to see only the good outcomes, the good tests on the way or already in place. Trying to be of good cheer.
Then there is the day today.
Guess none of us are going to forget it, day after Bobby's birthday.
All day 2 years ago, the girls kept talking to their Daddy.
"Please , dad, do not leave us today on your son's birthday, please stay another day..."
I think I heard Brie say that a hundred times and then Rhonda who was with her dad telling him the same and the good soul that he was he did it. He waited till the 5th.
I miss him so, I still think as I am asleep that he is next to me as Bijou tosses and turns close to my back. Sometimes he pokes me with a leg and then I wake up:"What do you want?"...Oh! it is Bijou....you are not here anymore.....I try and go back to sleep without crying again and again....
By day time I am wide awake and remember what I did a few hours ago. I try to think of something fun to do today...like....cleaning my bedroom....Nah!...I think I will try to make some necklaces....
Meanwhile the Big Giant is fit as a fiddle....smoking outside in his wheelchair (against the rules) the man is on oxygen for heavens sake....I am sure he does not want to leave here because he can't think his smokes with him.
I am not sure how long Hospice will keep him.....