Wednesday, June 17, 2009

NO TITLE FOR TODAY

it had been working up for that, I am sure, I did not see it coming, yesterday was just another day like all others. Bob came home at 4 from day care.
Somehow he decided he could not hang up his tower in the bathroom so he hung onto the bar till it broke away from the wall.
Somehow this was what broke the camels back on my patience for the day and I started a low soft crying jag, it took up steam and within a short time I was howling like a wounded dog. Son held me and did not say a word.
I do not know how long that all took and what was it all about.
I knew somehow I was reaching a deadline of some sort, more like a dead end.
I felt that I wanted to go for a long walk and never come back.
I was too tired to walk, to exhausted.
When my daughter called she knew I was in trouble and shortly she
came and got daddy in her car for the night and day at her house.
I think this is a first in 11 years.(we are going into our 12th year).
This morning I found out that I still think he is here and that I still do
my routines the way I usually do, checked the bedroom over and over again then figure it out " he is not here".
I am thinking that my life is totally wrapped around his needs.
I am on an automatic rolling walkway and I can't get off anymore.
Sure the 4 hours a day help with day care but I am left with 138 that he is mine. That is a full time job with little left for what truly interests me.
When I am finished with "bare minimum" housekeeping then I am tired and fall asleep, sometimes at my computer.
If he catches me sleeping he wakes me up for he thinks I am not supposed to be in that situation.
I am an the end of my rope.

2 comments:

Over Yonder said...

I"m so sorry! Alz really truly stinks. I've seen too much of it but only a glimpse compared to you. You are an amazing woman though. I hope I have half as much strength/patience if I am in your shoes one day. You do need to take care of you...

Marcus said...

Sounds a little like Caregiver Burnout to me...get a hold of yourself and ask for help!Learn the signs of Caregiver Burnout and do something about it before it happens to you.
Indications that a caregiver needs additional assistance:

1. Not sleeping
2. Crying uncontrollably
3. Not getting things done
4. Anger at and hitting your loved one
5. Relationships with others deteriorating
6. Increased drinking, smoking, use of drugs
7. Poor appetite or uncontrolled eating
8. Retreating into yourself
9. Thinking no one else can adequately care for your loved one and
refusing help.
10. Always feeling sorrow, guilt or hopelessness
Save The Care Giver Website...
http://www.geocities.com/caregiving4alz/save_the_caregiver.htm
Save The Caregiver is a must for all caregivers!