Thursday, April 15, 2010


Now he is in a nursing home.
He does not know when we visit.
Follows the nurse around but lets us be
wherever we are standing.

Loves to see what the nurses have in their cart. He is territorial. He thinks everything belongs to him. (except us)

We visit for awhile and then go out and
cry our eyes out in the parking lot.

Caregiving at home has stopped.
Getting things together for our next visit becomes a habit, writing cards to him with pretty pictures-hoping he will like them - what else can we do?
I always say WE as I need a driver to get to the home.
He does seem to look at the wheelchair but then the place is full of them so probably nothing special to him.

I find myself in such a state of confusion. I am so relaxed now at home, little to think about by myself and planning for the day I can walk again on 2 legs. Son helps a lot.
We talk a lot now. We are learning to joke again and to laugh often.
I am starting not to look at the bedroom door, the bathroom door and no longer lock the back door. I keep reminding myself "it is OK, he is not here".
Then the thoughts begin to swirl , twist and turn. What is he doing now? Who watches him? What can he eat? Can they shower him without medication?

I can't let go of it all,
it is like the happy thoughts and the sad wondering ones are  like hairs mixing and twisting in dreadlocs.
They are so tightly interwoven that they become one big ugly mess.

Then I have to sit down and try to undo it all. Try and reason. Yes, you gave it 13 years, yes, you had to break a promise, it c ould not be helped.
Can you truly take him home when you are on the mend? He has gone so much backwards. 3 Doctors said NO MORE.

So that is where I am right now.
Finished with the work yet still so much
to be done before I return to being me without guilt.

Wonder if it will happen.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Is the inertia in control or just when I allow myself to think? If I was active --but no: I am active at work but sliding down a mucky slope. The beauty I used to see around me easily is just rare snippets now. I see but but do not connect. Maybe if we had a vacation but I am sure there are places that I couldn't go without ghosts. Have I always been a person made of this recipe? Is that why mother chided me for being moody, becasue it was ugliness to her? It is just a place though I don't attribute a judgment to the place. How is he doing? ...without me?