Sabrina said that if I had to fall I timed it right for I will be on my feet again-real soon-and be able to enjoy the garden and gardening.
"If I had to fall", of course I had to fall!!
I was not about to give up on Bob but I also knew that I was at my end with energy and I would become ill soon if I could not rest more.
In fact it was getting to be more and more work.
My religious and spiritual friends tell me it was divine intervention.
I lost all my spiritual belief within the last 2 years (much to the chagrin of my girls) had finished with organized religion some time ago but thought I was well grounded in spirituality- there is a difference there-.
It is all gone now but what I do know about the fall is that I had hardly slept the night before, had a sinus problem, and when Bijou wanted to pee I was on
habit mode. I put on my leather coat went out the door like a zombie stepped onto a small patch of ice on the top of the stairs and landed down below with the leg under me.
Broken ankle- how convenient was that?
Now I could sleep all I wanted with and without drugs. I do think I overused the morphine button in the hospital, that was divine. I did not even ask
where my husband was, I refused visitors, especially my children. I wanted to sleep, I am quite sure at that stage I did not even want to wake up anymore.
It took days before I knew that old Bob was admitted (for a short time) in a hospital.
7 weeks later now I still sit for the last week in a wheelchair with a grotesque shoe. I sleep when I feel like it.
Still a total of about 16 hours a day is
sleeping. I now know how exhausted I was.
I am not sure how to address the future. I had a marvelous handsome, caring, loving husband for 42 years, well lets say the first 30 were absolutely heaven.
I have a hard time remembering him that way , the very ill Bob sticks in my head.
Had a dream the other day and he was young with his heavy curly head, so handsome and so jovial. I was old and hated the fact that he was young. I woke up so angry, I somehow did not want to remember him that way.
I think I can make a shrink turn into a heavy drinker.
Seeing him in the rest home is very hard. Yet he looks like he is at home.
He roams the halls .Looks into bedrooms , lots of help around.
He will not get lost anymore outside,
he will not get the April allergies which have plagued him for decades.
He will get a shower and he can fight with the young fellows, he will not win like he did with me.
I can rest and try and find my new life.
I can't forget about him but I can sleep when I want to.
Right now I still need that.