Friday, April 9, 2010

Friday March 9 I think

Home 2 weeks now and the picture is changing. I am getting much better.
Head is starting to get clearer. Anxiety is starting to fade. Work needs to be done around the house so I get antsy to get up and go.
Visited Bob and he is doing fine, he is cared for and he totally ignores us when we go to see him. When Sabrina left this morning to bring more clothing and say hello he shooed her away. Made
a signal with his hands that he did not want her in his space.
That is the only thing that saves me.
He does not know us at all anymore, there is no recollection. Three weeks ago when he was at ParkRidge and we walked in he would come to us and shake hands , now he is much further in the fog and chases us away.
He is on trial in a very quiet wing, if he does not behave well he will go back to the unruly wing which is somewhat noisy. There is a lady there who sits in her wheelchair and sings to the wall all day. Well, singing is not exactly the right word.
 I am settling into the new life at home,
I can leave out a scissor without freaking out, do not have to hide my rings anymore. I can leave my drink out without it dissapearing , same with Bobby. So many things that I am free off now.
The waterbill was down 1/3 because the sheets were not washed every day in the last weeks.
I can get up in the middle of the night or sleep all night. No more watch dog for a wanderer.
Slept till 10 this morning.
I tire easy but the "shoe" wich protects my ankle weighs 8 lbs. It gets heavy to
keep lifting and by evening I am washed  out.
Today, Sabrina and I had a fun day.
Went to Steinmart to see my buddies and everyone said that I looked so much better. Went to Denny's to have my usual "banana split" . It was heaven.
New plants came into the tent across from Dennys and I had to be rolled into the tent - knowing that tonight there is again a frost warning I decided to just look and not buy.

2 1/2 weeks before the next phase of rehab. My therapist said I was doing so well and I continue the work out so she no longer feels the need for visits.
I am delighted.

A bench for shower from the loan closet makes it so that  I can take a shower now too. Yeah!!!

I invited myself to Sabrina for all the parties she will have next and for all the street festivals I have missed in the last 10 years. I want to hear the loud music, see all the vendors, eat BBQ and perhaps even learn to like a beer.
Stella Artois being Belgian I should try it once.
I want noise, people and laughing around me, I want life again.

A broken ankle changed our life completely, for all of us k"s.
I did not want to give up old Bob, but I knew in my heart that it was wrong because I was becoming more and more exhausted. Sometimes I could not add 2 plus 2. I forgot so much, my head almost always spinning. Vertigo became a problem. I felt I did not want to live another hour and thougths of suicide were constant.
That is all the norm for caregivers of long standing years. We all sound the same, I talked to many over the years.

Now for the time left to me I have hope and I still want to travel as my budget would permit. I still want to be part of the world and be a gardener without my plants being ripped out and watch the
watermelon grow till they are ripe.
All this was no longer possible in the last years.
I have so much still t o do and offer.
I am finally back in the world of the living.
I am horribly feeling sorrow for the end my best friend has to face, the good thing about it- if there is a good part- is that he knows no more - he lost the man he was and become a walking stranger- the time will come that he will look in the mirror and not know who he is looking at. How very sad to end your life that way.
How very sad.

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