Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas is over with

Well, in a few more hours.
I am starting to feel the relief.
Why? Oh! Why? is it so hard to be of joy at the holidays?
I think Bob was so busy with Christmas and decor and I was always so busy cooking days ahead of time....it was exhilarating...it was fun...we waited eagerly for the kids to come and mayhem to start.

None of this now for several years, near the end of his disease he hated people coming into the house, he hated even Bobby moving in. He did not know any of us anymore and he got angry.

I am tired of telling this blog how much I miss him, but I do, it does not leave me.
he is like a blanket woven with tears hanging over my shoulders. I cry and cry and then fall asleep crying. I am a mess.
So no wonder that I ended our dinner with tears...yikes...Merry Christmas to all and be of good cheer...............Sabrina held me tightly and said she loved me while she was battling her own tears....brave souls we all pretend to be ...but the Fishers have funeral and memorial to face this week.
I have asked to be excused. I told Brie I loved how we did with Bob, brought his ashes to the river in the forest, simple, no speeches of goodbye, we all there (kids and I) knew he was a gentle, kind, loving man and we had told him that many times when he was alive.

I am going to bed, I found a book for my Kindle and will get lost in that I hope...."Behind the beautiful forevers" Katherine Boo.
When I will read that non fiction story I probably will know how lucky I am to be in my warm bed with a roof and four walls......a hiatal hernia complaining because I ate too much...

1 comment:

Rhonda Lee said...

Repetition of a feeling isn't repetition, it's the expression of a feeling that never went away and is present.

You semi-apolgize for writing that the feeling is still there. Where do we, as humans, get the that we "should" feel this way or that in any given time frame?

I think by sharing the missing, each and every time you experience it, you're educating us about you, and grieving and mourning. You're telling us there is no set formula for it.

Perhaps in the sharing you're telling others "It's okay to feel what you're feeling because I'm feeling it too." Therein, perhaps, comes the comfort. I think that was the notion behind starting your blog -- to be honest so that others might know what lays ahead.

Christmas for our family is huge because Dad was such a Christmas nut. Our first remarkable memories as a new family were our first Christmas together. I love it that you displayed your collection of Santas this year. It felt like Dad was there.

~ Love, Rhonda