Friday, August 24, 2012

do not be negative

My son who studies psychology asked me last night not to be so negative.
Why do you cry every day, Mom? That is not normal.
Say what?
In my emotional state it is normal, I am zapped, I am a mother, I am a grandmother.
I have been crying for a long time now. There are days that I feel very good and the tears are nowhere to be found....then there are days that all I want to do is cry.
Of course I am on Lexapro 2 x 20 well what the ..............

Afterwards I realize that he is exhausted. After 9 weeks of arguments with a priest about philosophie and he passed well because he kept his mouth shut and was frustrated but now come 9 weeks of Algebra and not his strong point.

He shows me the first page and I go: what are they asking for? what does this dot mean,how do you understand the language......I left his room ........

Later he tells me he is all anxiety if he fails algebra he will end with a C at best by May when he gets his associate degree. He is fanatic about his grades. If he quits now he still owes 20000 dollars on student loans and has nothing to show for, he does not know how he will handle this...his frustration turns on mom, I am the only one in the room.
He feels I need help , counseling, I needed that 14 years ago...there was not the time nor the money....OK I could go now and considering it....
His dr has been calling almost every day....she must be worried..

she said for him to have absolute quiet around him....we do not play is like a nunnery here...oh! the dogs do bark for every person who walks by, how they can hear footsteps out there is beyond me...he yells at them and I come running with the bottle of water....I spray them but they are not always obedient...

I am lost at what to do next.

I have 2 days with Brie and Zack.....I am not allowed to cry in front of Zack I get it, I know. I will be so funny I will get an Oscar....

what the f.......I am no longer the one who held all the spokes together and was the
strongest one in the family. My mother did not understand on how I could hold everything together ....that woman is gone...zapped dry in bones and soul...
can a shrink fix me????I doubt it.

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