Sunday, August 14, 2011

closing in on the 1 year..........

he is on my mind all the time now.....I am working on emptying his chest of drawers...I find all sorts of treasures, bottle caps, rubber bands, used stamps...the G string I once bought him decades ago...(Ha Ha) cards I wrote him ....rags...a bag full of pens (mostly dry now)....pennies all over the place...

on Sept 5 it will be one year since he left us....

I ran away two days before that..I left daughter Rhonda in charge to be with him and she took this to mean "do not leave him" , she stayed with him day and night.
For this I am indebted to her.
I was at the end of my rope, I had watched every change day in and day out.
Thirteen years, I had watched ...first he still knew how to drive well and we did our usual day trips ....I started to tell him when to change lanes..when the light was red and he needed to stop. Then the decision to take the license away..he never forgave me for that one.
I watched how much he loved his coffee till one day he looked at me puzzled and said he would never drink that stuff...when I said he drank it every day of his life he looked at me and said :"I never would drink that".
Lucky for me he kissed me till the end. But then at that time I think he was kissing every one.
He dressed himself quite well for a long time then like a switch had turned off he put his pants on backwards and could hardly walk but did not notice the reason for that .....when I wanted to change it, he turned grumpy and said not to touch him.
I saw when he would smile as I crawled in bed and cuddled next to him and then I saw that the eyes grew angry and he told me"Get out of my bed, no strange women come in my bed". I slept on the couch bathing in tears.
He stopped walking the dog, he often would kick the dog as he was not happy with movements around him.
If a workman had to come in he would yell and tell him to get out.
His house and garden were his territory and he felt no one but him should be there.
He started to hide things....hid my hearing aids for which I was still paying, we never found them, hid my new Roomba (a Christmas present from Bobby) but he hid it under leaves and it got soaking wet. $400 down the shute, "they" fixed it but it never worked well again.
One day he said :Oh it is gone and laughed very hard...I said what is gone?
He pointed to his pinky, he had worn my insignia ring from my teen age years on his pinky since we met. The ring was gone. He managed to show me that he had flushed it in the toilet. I am sure it was by accident as he was losing weight.
I managed to buy him a sterling wedding band and switched his gold one and hid it
ditto with his father's ring. I did not want them to go down the sewer too.

I can and may still write a book about it all but today I am beginning to feel that the 5th is near. Review the year and go forward knowing that I did all I could for him while alive. I love him so much. If there are soul mates then he was it.
I am no longer sure about that title. I know he was the one who gave me life.
A very good life full of love. I was 36 when I met him and that was the day I was born. What happened before was not that pleasant.

1 comment:

Gypsy said...

I'm reading your blog. You must be wrong. Wasn't it just yesterday that he left. It doesn't feel like almost a year at all. I found a penny yesterday and put it in my pocket. I lost it when I changed clothes. I was walking Cali today and wanted my penny back. I keep each one. There near the grass was another penny. Thanks Dad, glad you're here with me. I couldn't do the trip without you.